Archives for October 2024

Introduction: How I Learned to Let Go
Today’s overprotective, failure-avoidant parenting style has unintentionally weakened an entire generation’s competence, independence, and academic potential. By removing setbacks, mistakes, and challenges from our children’s paths, we rob them of the very experiences that teach resilience, innovation, and resourcefulness—qualities essential for becoming capable citizens.

Research shows that the ability to stay focused on a task and pursue long-term goals—known as grit—is the most reliable predictor of success, even more so than academics, extracurriculars, test scores, or IQ. Gritty students succeed, and failure is the crucible that forges grit.

When parents prevent failure, children become less engaged and motivated, with diminished enthusiasm for education and ultimately lower chances of success. However, by stepping back and focusing on a love of learning and independent inquiry, parents can actually help grades and test scores rise over time.

To help children make the most of their education, parents should aim to let go and focus on three main goals: embrace opportunities for failure, encourage learning from setbacks, and build positive, supportive relationships with schools.

Chapter 1: How Failure Became a Dirty Word: A Brief History of American Parenting

At its core, parenting often brings up a simple question: “How do I know if I’m a good parent?” For many, the answer lies in moments when parenting feels rewarding—like when children are safe, happy, and fulfilled. We feel especially validated when we rescue our kids from disappointment or setbacks: picking up a favorite book from the library or rushing in with a forgotten mouthguard just in time for a game. In these moments, we reassure ourselves: “Yes, I’m a good parent today.”

However, true parenting success lies in fostering autonomy, nurturing independence, and instilling resilience—a sense of self grounded in genuine competence rather than artificial confidence.

Parenting for tomorrow, not just for today. This means parenting with the long term in mind: making choices that build children’s skills to navigate the future, not just solve today’s challenges. It’s about the courage to prioritize what’s best for tomorrow, even when it doesn’t feel immediately satisfying.

Chapter 2: Why Parenting for Dependence Doesn’t Work: The Power of Intrinsic Motivation

INTRINSIC MOTIVATION: THE HOLY GRAIL OF PARENTING

Removing external pressures and rewards encourages children to engage in learning for its own sake. While rewards can prompt short-term compliance, they often dampen genuine interest and intrinsic motivation. Put simply, if you’d like your child to stop doing his schoolwork, pay him for good grades.

Parents should aim to preserve children’s natural curiosity by backing off and provide autonomy, allowing them to set their own goals and make choices.

Give school – aged children control and autonomy over where, when, and how they complete their schoolwork:

• Establish nonnegotiable expectations, such as “Homework will be completed thoroughly and on time,” or “Curfew is at ten and I expect you to be here or call if something comes up.”
• After those expectations are made clear, older children should be allowed the autonomy to figure out the precise manner and strategy they will use in order to fulfill these expectations.
• As long as your expectation is that homework will be completed thoroughly, and on time, where, when, and how they complete their homework should be up to them.

Self-imposed goals offer a safe space for children to experience failure without feeling defeated, fostering resilience and sustained engagement.

COMPETENCE: CONFIDENCE BORN OUT OF EXPERIENCE

Competence is built on both ability and experience. It’s developed when children handle real challenges, gaining confidence through their efforts and resilience.

Praise should focus on resilience and persistence, which nurtures a growth mindset and intrinsic motivation.

Once children get a taste of success, particularly success born of their own efforts and persistence, it becomes addictive. This is the lovely thing about competence: it’s a self – fulfilling prophecy.

CONNECTION: RELATIONSHIPS ARE WHAT MAKE AUTONOMY AND COMPETENCE MEANINGFUL

Strong relationships with parents, teachers, and others are central to fostering a child’s motivation. Autonomy-supportive parenting strengthens these bonds, creating an environment where children value effort, welcome challenges, and persevere. Overparenting, on the other hand, signals to children that they cannot succeed without our constant support and help, stifling their growth mindset.

DESIRABLE DIFFICULTIES LEAD TO MASTERY

Small, manageable challenges—”desirable difficulties”—promote cognitive and emotional growth. Efforts to retrieve and apply knowledge, though demanding, deepen learning and enhance retention. Encouraging these productive struggles equips children for lifelong learning, grounding them in the resilience needed to tackle complex tasks independently.

Chapter 3: Less Really Is More: Parenting for Autonomy and Competence

Autonomy-supportive parenting sets clear, consistent expectations and combines emotional presence with gentle guidance. One of the greatest benefits is that it reduces the need for negative behaviors like nagging, hovering, and directing.

SETTING BOUNDARIES AND CREATING STRUCTURE
Kids thrive on our expectations, and they flourish when given responsibilities of their own and the education they need to carry them out successfully.

Children need structure to feel secure and capable. Setting clear, consistent limits reassures them, creating a stable environment where they can safely test boundaries and stick to those expectations and employ consequences when those expectations are not met. Effective autonomy-supportive parents establish expectations for behaviors (like “curfew is at ten”), offer guidance when necessary, and enforce consequences for unmet expectations. This balance between limits and freedom allows children to explore with confidence.

CREATING NEW HABITS

In The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg explains that habits come out of a basic feedback loop: a cue, the routine, and the reward. Autonomy-supportive parenting uses cues and routines to create sustainable habits without excessive direction. Allowing children to develop habits independently fosters resilience and responsibility.

Avoiding Common Controlling Behaviors
Controlling parents often:

• Offer unsolicited advice: This “help” (e.g. “do it this way”) feels more like nagging, which undermines autonomy and trust.
• Take over tasks: Doing things for children instead of letting them learn through action (e.g. I’ll just do it, you go play).
• Use extrinsic motivators: Relying on rewards for chores or academics, which weakens intrinsic motivation.
• Provide answers or the correct answer before the child: Solving problems too quickly stifles children’s learning.
• Make all decisions: Dictating choices about activities and priorities discourages independence.

Autonomy-Supportive Techniques
Instead of controlling, autonomy-supportive parents:

• Guide toward solutions: Encouraging children to think critically and find answers on their own.
• Allow mistakes and help children understand the consequences of those mistakes: Mistakes are learning opportunities, helping children understand consequences and build resilience.
• Value failures as much as the successes: Encourage reflection on challenges, praising persistence and growth rather than only success. Find the lessons in the failures. Help them discover new ways to cope and recover from their mistakes in order to do better next time.
• Acknowledge feelings of frustration and disappointment: Validating children’s frustrations shows empathy and helps them work through setbacks.
• Provide feedback: Rather than fixing errors, guide children to discover and correct them independently, building confidence. (e.g. Look down at your buttons; something looks off — can you figure out what’s wrong?)

Chapter 4: Encouragement from the Sidelines: The Real Connection Between Praise and Self-Esteem

Saying, “You are smart” labels a child’s identity rather than their effort, potentially causing them to avoid challenges that could threaten this label. When children receive praise focused on effort—such as, “I’m proud of how hard you worked on editing your story”—they learn to value the process, fostering a growth mindset where they understand intelligence and skills improve through effort.

The single most important thing we have with our kids, beyond our enduring love, is our credibility. By telling kids that they are good at something when they are patently not, we ruin that credibility and do little for their self – esteem as the truth at some point will be revealed. When my kids do not have an aptitude for something, I don’t shy away from telling them, but this means that any praise I do give them has that much more value.

PRAISE FOR EFFORT, NOT INHERENT QUALITIES.

Instead of “Great job on that test! You are so smart!” try “Great job on that test! What did you do this time in your preparation that worked so well?”

ADOPT A GROWTH MINDSET IN YOUR OWN LIFE, EVEN WHEN IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.

Better yet, let them see you continue to stretch yourself after you fail so they will understand that failing at a task does not mean that the person is a failure.

DON’T REINFORCE MALADAPTIVE REACTIONS TO FAILURE.

Encourage children to acknowledge their shortcomings honestly. If a lack of effort contributed to failure, help them recognize this without cushioning the truth, fostering accountability and realistic self-assessment.

MAKE SURE YOUR CHILD KNOWS HIS FAILURES, DO NOT LESSEN YOUR LOVE OR OPINION OF HIM.

Reassure children that your love and opinion of them remain unchanged by failure, which helps them face setbacks with confidence. Your support softens the sting of disappointment and strengthens their resilience.

LET YOUR CHILDREN FEEL DISAPPOINTED BY FAILURE.

Let children sit with their feelings after a setback instead of rushing to resolve the situation. These are their failures, and learning to process disappointment independently is crucial for growth.

DO NOT OFFER TO RESCUE YOUR CHILD FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS MISTAKES.

Rather than rescuing children from the consequences of their mistakes, help them problem-solve and see failure as a chance to grow. Guide them in analyzing what went wrong, finding useful takeaways, and devising a strategy for future attempts. Real learning occurs when children rebuild from setbacks with newfound insights.

Chapter 5: Household Duties: Laundry as an Opportunity for Competence

Children naturally want to feel capable, but as parents, we often take away their chance to contribute meaningfully by doing everything for them. Household participation isn’t just about chores—it’s an essential first step in helping children become responsible, contributing family members. When we take over tasks, we unintentionally send the message that we don’t expect competence from them.

Parents often resist assigning household duties for various reasons:

• It’s faster if I do it myself.
• They will just do it wrong anyway.
• Kids should be kids while they can; they will work when they grow up.
• My house will look disgusting, and people will judge me.
• My kids will look disgusting, and people will judge me.

However, encouraging children to take on “family contributions” (as opposed to chores) sends an empowering message that their help makes a big difference in the family.

GREAT EXPECTATIONS AND GENUINE ACCOUNTABILITY

Set clear expectations for children’s responsibilities and hold them accountable without resorting to cash rewards or bribes. Explain early on that each family member contributes to household tasks. This long-term approach encourages responsibility more effectively than short-term rewards.

STEP AWAY AND HOLD YOUR TONGUE

Once expectations are set, give children the space to fulfill them without nagging or correcting. Vicki Hoefle’s “duct-tape parenting” technique recommends holding back—even if it takes duct tape on your mouth! Avoid redoing their work, as they’ll notice if you go behind their back to “fix” things, which can be demotivating.

Praise children for their effort, especially when they had to problem-solve or stick with a task that wasn’t easy. Recognize persistence rather than perfection.

DITCH THE LOLLIPOPS

Instead of using material rewards as a default, focus on non-material rewards like positive reinforcement. If you do give a reward, delay it to prevent directly associating it with the task. Emphasize the intrinsic reward of doing a job well and praise their effort, patience, and perseverance, especially when the task requires multiple attempts to succeed.

Chapter 6: Friends: Accomplices to Failure and the Formation of Identity

Parents matter much less in the development of our children’s nature than we’d like to believe, and that peers, not parents, shape much of our children’s behavior and experience of the world.

Children develop empathy by seeing and hearing other people’s reactions and emotions, and when we don’t allow our children to experience the full brunt of those uncomfortable moments, we deny them a glimpse into the consequences and impact of their actions on others.

THE PUSH AND PULL OF PLAYDATES

To foster real friendships, prioritize in-person interactions over digital companions. Set up playdates with a variety of children, as these early experiences help kids build social skills and learn to navigate different personalities and scenarios.

FRIENDSHIPS IN THE MIDDLE YEARS

Instead of controlling friendships, create a welcoming space for your child’s friends at home, allowing them a comfortable place to gather. Establish basic expectations—like letting you know where they are when not at home—without stepping in to resolve every conflict or managing their social life. Let them experience social ups and downs naturally.

Managing “Bad Influences”
As children enter adolescence, friends play a more significant role in identity formation. It’s vital that you stay out of your child’s social choices, particularly in adolescence. Even if a friend seems troublesome, avoid directly criticizing the friendship. Instead, ask open-ended questions to encourage reflection and communication like:

• “What do you like about Mike?
• What do you two do together?
• You seem to be spending a lot of time around Mike
• What is it that you find interesting in him?”
• “Kevin seems different from your other friends. How did you guys become friends?”

Offer to host friends to stay informed about the relationship dynamics and express trust in your child’s decision-making.

If you’re genuinely concerned about a friend’s influence, try these alternatives before intervening:

• Gather information: Talk to teachers, coaches, or other adults who may know the friend’s character.
• Meet the friend’s parents: Discuss any concerns and clarify your own family’s rules.
• Clarify your expectations: Reinforce your standards regarding issues like drugs or alcohol.
• Encourage other activities: Arrange safe, engaging alternatives, which might naturally limit time with problematic friends.

When to Step In or “Snoop”
Only consider “snooping” if specific, concerning changes arise, such as:

• Sudden shifts in behavior, health, or personality.
• Significant drops in communication or willingness to talk.
• Evidence of drug or alcohol use.
• Noticeable declines in academic performance or study habits.

If these signs are present, investigate with care, ensuring your actions stem from a genuine concern for your child’s well-being rather than simply a dislike of their friends.

Chapter 7: Sports: Losing as an Essential Childhood Experience

Sports provide a unique setting for parents to bond with their children, often during car rides to and from practices or games. These moments allow for open, unguarded conversations that might not come up in the day’s usual rush. In these relaxed settings, kids are more likely to share their feelings about the highs and lows of sports—excitement, disappointments, or exhaustion—fostering a strong parent-child connection.

The Core Purpose of Sports
Children begin sports for fun, exercise, and to learn teamwork and sportsmanship. Even as stakes rise and competitive pressures increase, these should remain the primary goals. Ideal sports parents are the ones you never hear from the sidelines, supportive, present after games to offer comfort and guidance through heartbreaks—like being cut from the team or handling an injury.

Guide to Successful Sideline Parenting

• Be the Parent, Not the Coach: Avoid shouting instructions from the sidelines, criticizing the coach’s decisions, or questioning referees. Never, ever, bad-mouth the coach in front of your child. This destroys your child’s trust, respect, and faith in his coach and creates a real emotional dilemma for your child.
• Don’t Project Your Athletic Dreams: Let your child’s sports journey be about them, not a way to relive your own achievements. Regardless of your own background, each child should pursue sports at their own pace and interest level.
• Encourage a Growth Mindset: Emphasize effort and resilience, making space for failure as part of the learning process. Sports only get harder as children advance, and a growth mindset allows them to embrace challenges as part of growth.

Knowing When to Quit vs. Failure
Understand the distinction between productive struggle and persistent, unfruitful struggle. Not every struggle leads to success, and sometimes quitting can be a positive choice. In these moments, help your child reflect on the value they’ve gained from sports—whether it’s fitness, fun, or life lessons in resilience, teamwork, and sportsmanship.

Chapter 8: Middle School: Prime Time for Failure

Middle school introduces challenges in organization, planning, and time management, skills that adolescents are still learning. These essential abilities, known as executive function, enable students to manage their time and resources effectively—a process that comes with practice and the occasional failure.

THE NAME OF THE GAME IS EXECUTIVE FUNCTION

Executive function includes skills like managing time, setting goals, and staying organized. Mistakes—like late assignments or lost items—are natural opportunities for growth. Allowing kids to experience these minor failures helps them learn to create systems that work, strengthening their independence.

THE STRUGGLE FOR SELF – CONTROL

To help with focus, some students benefit from a subtle signal—like a tap on the shoulder—that reminds them to concentrate. This gentle prompt supports self-awareness without embarrassment.

LIMBERING UP FOR MENTAL FLEXIBILITY

• Create Predictability: A family calendar provides stability, and consistent routines, especially for sleep, are critical.
• Promote Independence: As soon as children can, encourage them to manage their own schedules. In times of unexpected change, model calm to help children learn to handle transitions smoothly.
• Keep your child on a regular sleep schedule, even on weekends and vacations. Studies show that it takes a long time to recover from even a small shift in sleep routines, and sufficient sleep is key to almost every aspect of developing executive function.

Supporting working memory:

• Have your child’s hearing tested. Hearing and working memory are unrelated, but kids with hearing deficits often look a lot like kids with memory impairment, so go ahead and check that off the list first thing.
• Checklist and Mnemonics: Written lists and mnemonic devices help children retain steps for tasks.
• Audio-Recording: For students who struggle to remember instructions, audio-recording lectures (if allowed) can be beneficial.
• Clear Instructions: Break down tasks into manageable steps, like teaching laundry in stages (sorting, washing, etc.), with checklists as needed.
• Teach Critical Listening: Ask children to identify key points from information they hear, such as asking your child, “What do you think were the two most important ideas in that story?”

Guiding self – awareness and task progress:

• Make expectations crystal clear from the get – go. Ideally, model the task with them the first time they attempt it, and talk about tricks and tips for getting the task right.
• Encourage children to measure their own progress by comparing completed tasks to the expected outcome (yours or the teachers). If they miss the mark, help them identify steps for improvement. Praise effort and use mistakes as learning opportunities, fostering self-evaluation over time.
• The more kids learn how to look at their own work and measure it against external expectations, the better they will get at measuring their own progress and working up to those expectations.

Initiating and Following Through on Tasks

• Maintain a Calendar: Use daily, weekly, and monthly calendars to visualize time management.
• Talk about time management. If a child needs to complete three tasks before bedtime, talk about how long each task might take and how much time remains in the day.
• Timers and Alarms: Set alarms for task transitions, so the timer—not the parent—acts as a reminder.
• Model Time Management: Show your children how you budget time for tasks like meal prep, emphasizing that responsibilities require planning and effort.

Encouraging Organizational Systems
By sixth grade, children should begin managing their own schedules and systems. Choose a time to organize once a week.

Weekly organization sessions are helpful, and experimenting with binder organization (one binder per subject, with tabs for notes, homework, and tests) lets them find what works best. For durability, invest in reinforced loose-leaf paper, which can reduce the likelihood of lost work.

Chapter 9: High School and Beyond: Toward Real Independence

As children progress through high school, the goal of parenting shifts from managing to supporting their growing independence. Rather than shielding them from failure, parents should help teens learn to cope with setbacks and view them as growth opportunities.

Ninth Grade: Deer in the Headlights
Freshman year can be overwhelming. Encourage your child to proactively seek help from teachers by:

• Asking for clarification on assignments,
• Admitting confusion, and
• Establishing relationships with teachers.
  Teachers appreciate students who take initiative, and this builds a foundation for confidence and self-advocacy.

Tenth Grade: My Favorite Year
Sophomore year brings the chance to make choices in coursework for the first time. Support their newfound independence by allowing them to select classes that interest them. This freedom fosters a sense of control and autonomy, helping them take ownership of their education.

Eleventh Grade: Crunch Time
Junior year is often a stressful period, with pressure intensifying around academics, college prep, and future planning. Encourage your child to take risks, even if it means occasional failure. Trying for ambitious goals builds resilience, and even one successful “reach” could lead to a significant opportunity or passion.

Twelfth Grade: The Final Frontier
As the college search begins, giving teens control over their college choices allows them to invest meaningfully in their future. Northwestern University’s parent guidelines advise parents to:

• Let go,
• Allow mistakes,
• Show belief in their child’s abilities, and
• Be interested, not intrusive.

Conversations to Support College Transition
In the months leading up to freshman year of college, foster independence through autonomy-supportive conversations:

• Goal Setting: Ask your child to imagine their ideal first year of college and identify actionable steps to make it happen. Breaking down goals for the first month of campus life can ease the transition.
• Identifying Allies: Encourage your child to connect with mentors, advisors, or peers on campus who can provide guidance.
• Roommate and Academic Issues: Emphasize that roommate conflicts or academic concerns should be managed independently. Professors and administrators prefer to hear from students directly, so stepping back allows your child to build problem-solving skills and confidence.

Additional Autonomy-Building Strategies
Other independence-focused strategies for the transition include:

• Supporting your teen’s organization skills (like managing deadlines and balancing activities),
• Encouraging financial responsibility through budgeting and managing expenses, and
• Fostering accountability by discussing expectations for academic and personal growth without imposing your own goals.

This stage-by-stage support helps teens develop confidence, autonomy, and resilience as they prepare for life after high school.

Chapter 10: Letting Go, Gracefully
The ultimate goal of parenting is to raise children who can navigate life independently, cope with failure, and pursue meaningful goals without constant guidance. To do this, parents must embrace the often-difficult task of letting go, trusting that children will grow stronger through their own experiences and mistakes.

Allowing Failure as a Learning Tool
Children learn best by facing challenges and working through mistakes. When parents step back, children can build resilience, learn self-reliance, and gain the confidence to tackle future obstacles. Lahey encourages parents to see failure not as a reflection of their parenting, but as an essential part of growth.

Trusting the Process
It’s natural to want to protect children from discomfort but trusting them to work through struggles fosters self-trust and a sense of competence. Parents should trust that the lessons they’ve instilled will help children make sound decisions, even when they encounter setbacks.

Fostering Long-Term Motivation
Extrinsic rewards may seem helpful in the short term, but intrinsic motivation—finding value and satisfaction in the task itself—leads to lasting engagement and personal fulfillment. When children learn to set and pursue their own goals, they develop a more meaningful sense of purpose.

Being a Supportive Presence
Rather than stepping in to fix problems, parents can offer guidance and empathy as a sounding board. Listening and validating feelings shows children they are supported, even if they’re handling the challenges themselves. This approach builds trust and strengthens the parent-child relationship, especially as children grow into adulthood.

Letting Go with Grace
Love, trust, and patience are key as children navigate their own paths. By giving children the space to fail and recover, parents set the foundation for a resilient, independent adult who can thrive without constant intervention.