Chapter 1: No One’s Crazy

People’s lifetime investment decisions are heavily anchored to the experiences they had in their own generation. If you were born when the stock market was strong, you invested more in stocks than those who grew up when stocks were weak.

Financial decisions are often made based on emotions rather than pure logic and are influenced by a person’s background, experiences, and emotional relationship with money (e.g., lottery tickets—poor people buy more lottery tickets than rich people because they feel like it’s their only shot at wealth, not because it’s a mathematically sound choice).

Chapter 2: Luck & Risk

When people succeed, they tend to credit their skills and hard work rather than external circumstances. When people fail, they often blame bad luck rather than poor decisions. However, both luck and risk are unpredictable forces that influence financial outcomes (e.g., Bill Gates is successful because of a lucky break—he attended a school that had one of the first computers).

Be careful who you praise and admire. Be careful who you look down upon and wish to avoid becoming.

• Realize that not all success is due to hard work, and not all poverty is due to laziness. Keep this in mind when judging people, including yourself.

Focus less on specific individuals and case studies and more on broad patterns.

• The more extreme the outcome, the less likely you can apply its lessons to your own life, because the more likely the outcome was influenced by extreme ends of luck or risk (e.g., Warren Buffett’s investment success).

Chapter 3: Never Enough

There is no reason to risk what you have and need for what you don’t have and don’t need.

Ask yourself:

• At what point would earning more money no longer change my quality of life?
• What risks am I willing to take—or not take—to achieve financial success?

The hardest financial skill is getting the goalpost to stop moving. If expectations rise with results, there is no logic in striving for more because you’ll feel the same after putting in extra effort. Happiness = results – expectations.

Social comparison is the problem here—no matter how much money you have, there’s always someone richer or more successful. Chasing status through money is a never-ending game.

Enough is not too little—enough is realizing that the opposite—an insatiable appetite for more—will push you to the point of regret.

There are many things never worth risking, no matter the potential gain: reputation, freedom & independence, family and friends, being loved by those you want to love you, and happiness.

Chapter 4: Confounding Compounding

Warren Buffett’s real secret to wealth isn’t high returns but the fact that he has been investing for over 75 years.

Many investors focus too much on high returns instead of maximizing how long they let their money compound.

Chapter 5: Getting Wealthy vs. Staying Wealthy

Getting rich and staying rich are different skill sets.

• Getting rich requires taking risks, being optimistic, and making big moves.
• Staying rich requires humility, fear, frugality, and risk management.

Survival is the key to long-term success.

• Avoid unnecessary risks that could wipe you out.
• Focus on being able to invest for decades (e.g., compounding), not just a few years.

Survival mindset:

1. More than I want big returns, I want to be financially unbreakable. And if I’m unbreakable, I actually think I’ll get the biggest returns because I’ll be able to stick around long enough for compounding to work wonders.
2. Planning is important, but the most important part of every plan is to plan on the plan not going according to plan (have a margin of safety).
3. A barbelled personality—optimistic about the future but paranoid about what will prevent you from getting there—is vital.

Chapter 6: Tails, You Win

Rare but powerful events (tail events) have an outsized impact on outcomes.

• Warren Buffett’s portfolio is heavily influenced by just a few of his best investments.
• Failure and small losses are part of the process. You don’t need to be right all the time—you just need a few big wins.
• Make sure you stay in the game long enough to catch a tail event.

Chapter 7: Freedom

The ability to do what you want, when you want, with who you want, for as long as you want, is priceless. It is the highest dividend money pays and the broadest lifestyle variable that makes people happy.

Freedom isn’t about being rich – it’s about flexibility. You don’t need millions to achieve freedom; you need enough money to avoid being forced into decisions you don’t want to make.

Chapter 8: Man in the Car Paradox

People desire wealth and status not for the possessions themselves but for the respect and attention they believe those possessions will bring. However, in reality, people rarely admire the owner of luxury goods—they admire the idea of owning them themselves.

• When you see someone in an expensive car, you don’t think highly of them—you think about how you would feel in the car. This is the “man in the car paradox.”
• Chasing status through material possessions often leads to a cycle of dissatisfaction—people keep buying more to impress others, only to find that admiration is fleeting or nonexistent.
• True respect and admiration come from qualities like kindness, generosity, and humility, not material wealth.

Chapter 9: Wealth is What You Don’t See

People assume someone is wealthy because they drive an expensive car or live in a big house.

However, wealth is hidden—it’s income not spent. Wealth is an option not yet taken to buy something later. Its value lies in offering you options, flexibility, and growth rather than immediate material possessions.

The most financially successful people don’t seek validation through spending; they build lasting financial security by prioritizing saving, investing, and financial freedom over material possessions.

Chapter 10: Save Money

Building wealth has little to do with income or investment returns and a lot to do with savings habits.

• Building wealth doesn’t require a high income, just good habits.
• The value of wealth is relative to what you need—past a certain level of income, what you need is just what sits below your ego.
• Many rich people stay broke because they spend everything they make.

You don’t need a specific reason to save.

• Savings without a spending goal give you options, flexibility, and security.
• Flexibility and control over your time is an unseen return on wealth.

Chapter 11: Reasonable > Rational

Many financial experts emphasize making purely logical and rational decisions (e.g., optimizing every investment for the highest returns, minimizing taxes, or avoiding emotional biases). However, people aren’t robots—they have emotions, fears, and personal goals that influence financial decisions.

• Instead of striving for perfectly rational financial decisions, being reasonable is more sustainable.
• A strategy that helps you sleep well at night and stay invested for the long run is better than a theoretically perfect but difficult-to-stick-with plan.
• Example: Paying off your mortgage early may not be the best financial move mathematically, but if it gives you peace of mind, it’s the right choice for you.

Chapter 12: Surprise!

The biggest financial and economic events in history are often the least expected.

• Uncertainty and surprises are a constant in the financial world. The best approach is to embrace flexibility rather than assume you can predict the future.
• Two dangerous mistakes when relying too heavily on past investment history:
  • You’ll likely miss outlier events that drive major financial outcomes. History does not repeat itself exactly, it surprises us in new ways.
  • History can be a misleading guide to the future because structural changes occur (e.g., 401(k) plans are only 42 years old, Roth IRAs were created in the 1990s).
• The further back in history you look, the more general your takeaways should be. General things like people’s relationship to greed and fear, how they behave under stress, and how they respond to incentives tend to be stable in time.

Chapter 13: Room for Error

The future is unpredictable, and mistakes are inevitable. A margin for error protects against uncertainty.

• No financial plan goes exactly as expected—having extra savings, flexibility, and conservative assumptions helps you survive surprises.
• Expect the unexpected—don’t assume perfect outcomes. Don’t rely on best-case scenarios, but instead prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Example: Morgan Housel assumes his lifetime returns will be 1/3 lower than the historical average.

Chapter 14: You’ll Change

Who you are today is not who you will be in the future.

• Many people make financial plans based on current wants and ambitions, assuming they will remain the same.
• However, people evolve significantly over decades, and their values, priorities, and preferences shift in ways they never expected.

Two key lessons for long-term financial decisions:

1. Avoid extreme financial plans.
2. Don’t choose between a low-income life of contentment or endlessly chasing wealth at the cost of happiness. Give yourself options.
3. Rigid financial goals can lead to regret. Many people work hard to achieve a goal, only to realize they no longer want it.
4. Be comfortable with changing your mind.
5. Avoid the sunk cost fallacy—anchoring decisions to past efforts that can’t be refunded makes you a prisoner of your past.

Chapter 15: Nothing’s Free

Like everything else worthwhile, successful investing demands a price.

• The price of earning high returns is enduring market volatility, fear, doubt, uncertainty, and regret.
• Many people expect high rewards without paying the price, but tolerating short-term pain is the necessary cost of long-term financial success.

Instead of trying to avoid risk, investors should reframe volatility as an admission fee rather than a fine. It’s not a punishment for bad investing; it’s the cost of participating in the market. The key is being mentally prepared for ups and downs so that you don’t make emotional decisions that hurt your long-term gains.

Chapter 16: You & Me

Different people play different financial games based on their personal circumstances.

• What makes sense for one person may be completely irrational for another.
• Investors have different goals, time horizons, and risk tolerances.
• Reacting to short-term noise when playing a long-term game can hurt your financial success.

The most important financial skill is self-awareness.

• Identify the game you’re playing and make sure your actions align with your strategy.

Housel’s game:
“I am a passive investor, optimistic in the world’s ability to generate real economic growth, and I’m confident that over the next 30 years, that growth will accrue to my investments.”

Because everyone has different risk appetites, timelines, and financial goals, there is no universal right or wrong approach—only what works for each individual. Problems occur when people take advice meant for someone else’s financial situation instead of recognizing their own unique needs.

Chapter 17: The Seduction of Pessimism

Pessimism sounds smarter and gets more attention than optimism. People take bad news seriously because it feels urgent and immediate.

Why do we believe pessimism more than optimism?

1. Money is ubiquitous—bad financial news affects everyone.
2. Pessimists extrapolate current trends indefinitely and ignore how markets adapt.
3. Progress happens slowly, while setbacks happen suddenly and dramatically. Example: Technological advances occur over decades, while market crashes happen in days.

Chapter 18: When You’ll Believe Anything

People’s financial beliefs are often shaped by their personal experiences, emotions, and the stories they tell themselves – rather than objective facts or data.

• Human’s seek patterns and explanations for financial success and failure, even when randomness plays a big role.
• The more you want something to be true, the more likely you are to believe a story that overestimates the odds of it being true.
• Everyone has an incomplete view of the world. But we form a complete narrative to fill in the gaps.  The illusion of control makes us believe we have more influence over outcomes than we actually do.

Daniel Kahneman:

• When planning, we focus on what we want to do and can do, neglecting the plans and skills of others whose decisions might affect our outcomes.
• Both in explaining the past and in predicting the future, we focus on the casual role of skill and neglect the role of luck
• We focus on what we know and neglect what we do not know, which makes us overly confident in our beliefs.

Chapter 19: All Together Now

• Go out of your way to find humility when things are going right and forgiveness / compassion when they go wrong. Because it’s never as good or as bad as it looks.
• Respect the power of luck and risk and you’ll have a better chance of focusing on things you can actually control. You’ll also have a better chance of finding the right role models.
• Less ego, more wealth. Saving money is the gap between your ego and your income, and wealth is what you don’t see.
• Manage your money in a way that helps you sleep at night.
• If you want to do better as an investor, the single most powerful thing you can do is increase your time horizon.
• Become OK with a lot of things going wrong. You can be wrong half the time and still make a fortune, because a small minority of things account for the majority of outcomes.
• Use money to gain control over your time, because not having control of your time is such a powerful and universal drag on happiness.
• Be nicer and less flashy. No one is impressed with your possessions as much as you are.
• Save. Just save. You don’t need a specific reason to save.
• Define the cost of success and be ready to pay it. Because nothing worthwhile is free. And remember that most financial costs don’t have visible price tags. Uncertainty, doubt, and regret are common costs in the finance world.
• Worship room for error.
• Avoid the extreme ends of financial decisions.
• You should like risk because it pays off over time. But you should be paranoid of ruinous risk because it prevents you from taking future risks that will pay off over time.
• Define the game you’re playing, and make sure your actions are not being influenced by people playing a different game.
• Respect the mess. Smart, informed, and reasonable people can disagree in finance, because people have vastly different goals and desires. There is no single right answer; just the answer that works for you.

Chapter 20: Confessions – Housel’s personal financial philosophy

• Independence, at any income level, is driven by your savings rate. And past a certain level of income, your savings rate is driven by your ability to keep your lifestyle expectations from running away.
• Every investor should pick a strategy that has the highest odds of successfully meeting their goals. For most investors, dollar-cost averaging into a low-cost index fund will provide the highest odds of long-term success.
• Beating the market should be hard; the odds of success should be low. If they weren’t everyone would do it, and if everyone did it there would be no opportunity.

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CHAPTER ONE: WHAT IS MANAGEMENT?

A MANAGER’S JOB IS TO build a team that works well together, support members in reaching their career goals, and create processes to get work done smoothly and efficiently.

The One-Line Definition of a Manager’s Job

The crux of management: The belief that a team of people can achieve more than a single person going alone. It is the realization that you don’t have to do everything yourself, be the best at everything yourself, or even know how to do everything yourself. Your job, as a manager, is to get better outcomes from a group of people working together.

How Do You Tell a Great Manager from an Average Manager?

Andy Grove Evaluation: “the output of the work unit and not simply the activity involved.”

Alternatively, review the team’s results (present outcomes) and the other half was based on the strength and satisfaction of my team (future outcomes; did I do a good job hiring and developing individuals, and was my team happy and working well together)?

THE THREE THINGS MANAGERS THINK ABOUT ALL DAY (purpose, people, and process).

Purpose is the outcome your team is trying to accomplish, otherwise known as the why.

• Everyone on the team should have a similar picture of why does our work matters. If this purpose is missing or unclear, then you may experience conflicts or mismatched expectations.
• To ensure that your team knows what success looks like and cares about achieving it.

People – are the members of your team set up to succeed? Do they have the right skills? Are they motivated to do great work?

• If you don’t have the right people for the job, or you don’t have an environment where they can thrive, then you’re going to have problems.
• To manage people well, you must develop trusting relationships with them, understand their strengths and weaknesses (as well as your own), make good decisions about who should do what (including hiring and firing when necessary), and coach individuals to do their best.

Process – how your team works together.

• How everyone’s supposed to work together?
• What the team’s values are
• Who should do what by when?
• What principles should govern decision-making?

For managers, important processes to master include running effective meetings, future proof against past mistakes, planning for tomorrow, and nurturing a healthy culture.

Your role as a manager is not to do the work yourself, even if you are the best at it, because that will only take you so far. Your role is to improve the purpose, people, and process of your team to get as high a multiplier effect on your collective outcome as you can.

I learned then one of my first lessons of management — the best outcomes come from inspiring people to action, not telling them what to do.

The Difference Between Leadership and Management

Anyone can exhibit leadership, regardless of their role. Leadership is not something that can be bestowed. It must be earned. People must want to follow you.

CHAPTER TWO: YOUR FIRST THREE MONTHS

The Apprentice: Promoted to manage a team you were once part of

Work with your manager on a joint plan for getting started.

Questions to discuss include:

• What will be my scope to start, and how do you expect it to change over time?
• How will my transition be communicated?
• What do I need to know about the people that I’ll be managing?
• What important team goals or processes should I be aware of and help push forward?
• What does success look like in my first three and six months?
• How can the two of us stay aligned on who does what?

What to Watch Out For

• It can feel awkward to establish a new dynamic with former peers.
• Playing the role of coach: Your job now includes understanding your former peers’ career goals, what kinds of projects are well suited to their strengths and interests, what they need help with, and how they are doing relative to expectations.
• Having hard conversations: The manager – report relationship is different than the peer relationship. You are now responsible for the outcome of your team, including all the decisions that are made within it. If something is getting in the way of great work happening, you need to address it swiftly and directly.
• Having people treat you differently or share less information with you
• At the point in which your team becomes four or five people, you should have a plan for how to scale back your individual contributor responsibilities so that you can be the best manager for your people.

The Pioneer: You were among the first to take on a challenge that is now turning into a bigger team effort.

In the early days, make sure that you’re spending time calibrating with your new team what your group’s goals, values, and processes ought to be.

Some questions to ask yourself in preparation:

• How do I make decisions?
• What do I consider a job well done?
• What are all the responsibilities I took care of when it was just me?
• What’s easy or hard about working in this function?
• What new processes are needed now that this team is growing?

How to hire the right team:

• What qualities do I want in a team member?
• What skills does our team need to complement my own?
• How should this team look and function in a year?
• How will my own role and responsibilities evolve?

The New Boss: You’re brought in to manage an existing team that you’re unfamiliar with

What to Take Advantage of:

• People cut you slack in the beginning. The biggest advantage of being new is that you have a window of time, usually about three months, when everyone recognizes that you’re the new kid on the block.
• Use the newbie card to your advantage by asking as many questions of as many people as you can.
• You start with a blank slate. You have a chance to form new ties and reset your identity.

In your first few one-on-one meetings, ask your reports the following questions to understand what their “dream manager” looks like.

• What did you and your past manager discuss that was most helpful to you?
• What are the ways in which you’d like to be supported?
• How do you like to be recognized for great work?
• What kind of feedback is most useful for you?
• Imagine that you and I had an amazing relationship. What would that look like?

What to Watch Out for

• It takes a while to adjust to the norms of a new environment.
• One of the biggest mistakes new bosses make is thinking they need to jump in and exert their opinions right away to show that they are capable.

In your first few months, your primary job is to listen, ask questions, and learn. New managers on my team tell me that the thing they most want to understand is how to calibrate their expectations around “what’s normal.” One effective way to do that is to look at specific scenarios together with your own manager.

Questions to ask include:

• What does it mean to do a great job versus an average or poor job? Can you give me some examples?
• Can you share your impressions of how you think Project X or Meeting Y went? Why do you think that?
• I noticed that Z happened the other day . . .. Is that normal or should I be concerned?
• What keeps you up at night? Why?
• How do you determine which things to prioritize?

You need to invest in building new relationships.

• “Since I’m new, you might not feel comfortable sharing everything with me right away. I hope to earn your trust over time. I’ll start by sharing more about myself, including my biggest failure ever.

THE SUCCESSOR: Similar to the apprentice, but with a twist: because your manager is leaving, you’re taking on supporting the entire team yourself, not just a portion of it.

What to Watch Out for

• It can feel awkward to establish a new dynamic with former peers.
• The increase in responsibility can feel overwhelming.
• “Our last manager left big shoes to fill, and while I’ll do my best, I expect I’ll go through a few bumps along the way. I want to ask you for your help and support during this period.”
• You feel pressure to do things exactly like your former manager.

CHAPTER THREE: LEADING A SMALL TEAM

Andy Grove asks: What gets in the way of good work? There are only two possibilities.

• The first is that people don’t know how to do good work.
• The second is that they know how, but they aren’t motivated.

Is it a matter of motivation or skill?

• First, discuss whether your expectations are aligned — does “great work” mean the same thing for both of you?
• Then discuss whether it’s a matter of motivation.
• If neither of those don’t resolve your concerns, then dive into whether the issue is with skills.

Trust Is the Most Important Ingredient

You can avoid being blindsided by developing a relationship founded on trust, in which your reporters feel that they can be completely honest with you because they have no doubt that you truly care about them.

You’ve accomplished this if the following three statements are true:

1. My reports regularly bring their biggest challenges to my attention. A hallmark of a trusting relationship is that people feel they can share their mistakes, challenges, and fears with you.
2. My report and I regularly give each other critical feedback and it isn’t taken personally.
3. My reports would gladly work for me again. One of the truest indicators of the strength of your relationships is whether your reports would want you as their manager in the future if they were given the choice.

You can also get an approximate reading by asking your report, “What are the qualities of a perfect manager for you?” and evaluating how you compare to the description you get back.

STRIVE TO BE HUMAN, NOT A BOSS

Earn trust with your reports through:

Respect and Care about Your Report: If you don’t truly respect or care about your report, there is no faking it. Trust me, they know.

Invest Time to Help Your Report: I recommend no less than a weekly 1: 1 with every report for thirty minutes, and more time if needed. One-on-ones should be focused on your report and what would help him be more successful, not on you and what you need. If you can remove a barrier, provide a valuable new perspective, or increase their confidence, then you’re enabling them to be more successful.

How can you achieve stellar 1: 1s?

• Discuss top priorities: What are the one, two, or three most critical outcomes for your report and how can you help her tackle these challenges?
• Calibrate what “great” looks like: Do you have a shared vision of what you’re working toward? Are you in sync with goals or expectations?
  • Share feedback: What feedback can you give that will help your report, and what can your report tell you that will make you more effective as a manager?
  • Reflect on how things are going: How is he feeling on the whole? What’s making him satisfied or dissatisfied? Have any of his goals changed? What has he learned recently and what does he want to learn going forward?

Every morning, I’ve gotten into the habit of scanning my calendar and compiling a list of questions for each person I’m meeting with. Here are some of my favorite questions to get the conversation moving:

• Identify: These questions focus on what really matters for your report and what topics are worth spending more time on.
  • What’s top of mind for you right now?
  • What priorities are you thinking about this week?
  • What’s the best use of our time today?
• Understand: Once you’ve identified a topic to discuss, these next questions get to the root of the problem and what can be done about it.
  • What does your ideal outcome look like?
  • What’s hard for you in getting to that outcome?
  • What do you really care about?
  • What do you think is the best course of action?
  • What’s the worst – case scenario you’re worried about?
• Support: These questions zero in on how you can be of greatest service to your report.
  • How can I help you?
  • What can I do to make you more successful?
  • What was the most useful part of our conversation today?

Be Honest and Transparent about Your Report’s Performance

Your report should have a clear sense at all times of what your expectations are and where he stands.

HELP PEOPLE PLAY TO THEIR STRENGTHS

Don’t let the worst performers dominate your time — try to diagnose, address, and resolve their issues as swiftly as you can.

Good CEOs know that they should double down on the projects that are working and put more people, resources, and attention on those rather than get every single project to the point of “not failing.”

Make People Moves Quickly If They’re Underperforming

Help someone find a new role in your organization or let him or her go.

The first option should always be considered because if there is a better role out there that’s more aligned with your report’s interests and skills, then that’s a great outcome for both the person and your company.

• Avoid shuffling around people who lack the right skills or who exhibit toxic behavior.
• Just because your report didn’t work out on your team doesn’t mean it’s on him – “Perhaps it’s you who shouldn’t be his manager, not the other way around.”

CHAPTER FOUR: THE ART OF FEEDBACK

For a leader, giving feedback — both when things are going well and when they aren’t — is one of the most fundamental aspects of the job. The two of the biggest barriers preventing your reports from doing great work — unclear expectations and inadequate skills.

WHAT DOES GREAT FEEDBACK LOOK LIKE?

Feedback doesn’t have to be critical. Praise is often more motivating than criticism. And for another, you don’t always have to start with a problem.

Below, you’ll find the four most common ways to inspire a change in behavior:

1. Set Clear Expectations at the Beginning

Make sure you address the following:

• What a great job looks like for your report, compared to a mediocre or bad job
• What advice you have to help your report get started on the right foot
• Give Task-Specific Feedback as Frequently as You Can

You provide this kind of feedback about something that someone did after the fact.

• For example, after your report presents an analysis, tell her what you thought she did well and what could do better in the future. Be as precise and as detailed as you can.

Task-specific feedback is most effective when the action performed is still fresh in your report’s memory, so share it as soon as you can.

• Share Behavioral Feedback Thoughtfully and Regularly

When you zoom out and look at many examples of tasks-specific feedback for a report, what themes emerge? Does he make decisions quickly or slowly? Is he a process wizard or an unconventional thinker? Does he gravitate toward pragmatic or idealistic solutions?

Asking this question about themes helps you reflect on your report’s unique strengths or areas of development as shown in his patterns of behavior.

When you give behavioral feedback, you are making a statement about how you perceive that person, so your words need to be thoughtfully considered and supported with specific examples to explain why you feel that way.

• Collect 360-Degree Feedback for Maximum Objectivity

Every quarter, for each report, I send a short email to a handful of his or her closest collaborators asking: a) What is X doing especially well that X should do more of? and b) What should X change or stop doing?

EVERY MAJOR DISAPPOINTMENT IS A FAILURE TO SET EXPECTATIONS

 “If the first time a direct report hears that he’s not meeting expectations is during his performance review, it’s going to feel terrible.”

Whenever you find yourself deeply disappointed, or disappointing someone else, ask yourself: Where did I miss out on setting clear expectations, and how might I do better in the future?

YOUR FEEDBACK ONLY COUNTS IF IT MAKES THINGS BETTER

The key question that should always be in the back of your mind is: Does my feedback lead to the change I’m hoping for? To help answer this question, ask yourself:

Am I Giving Feedback Often Enough? The most common response to the question “How could your manager better support you?” is simply “Give me more feedback.”

Is My Feedback Being Heard? What you intend to say and what the listener hears are not always the same. You might think you’re being clear when in fact you’re saying too much, or too little, or sending a different message through your body language.

• The best way to make your feedback heard is to make the listener feel safe, and to show that you’re saying it because you care about her and want her to succeed.  This is why positive feedback is so effective.
• When you do have critical feedback to share, approach it with a sense of curiosity and an honest desire to understand your report’s perspective. One simple way to do this is to state your point directly and then follow up with, “Does this feedback resonate with you? Why or why not?”
• At the end of a conversation, when you’re not sure whether you’ve been heard, there are a few things you can do. The first is a verbal confirmation: “Okay, let’s make sure we’re on the same page — what are your takeaways and next steps?” The second is to summarize via email what was discussed. Writing can clarify the points being made as well as be reread and referenced in the future. The third tactic is to help the person hear the same message many times and from many sources.

Does your Feedback Lead to Positive Action?

1. Make your feedback as specific as possible. Use clear examples that get at the why so it’s easier for the recipient to know what you mean.

2. Clarify what success looks and feels like.

3. Suggest next steps. Be clear about whether you’re setting an expectation or merely offering a suggestion. A softer approach is to ask your report, “So what do you think the next steps should be?” and let them guide the discussion. Can you do another pass on this report with the changes we discussed today, and I’ll set up the next review for Thursday?

DELIVERING CRITICAL FEEDBACK OR BAD NEWS

The best way to give critical feedback is to deliver it directly and dispassionately.

Plainly say what you perceive the issue to be, what made you feel that way, and how you’d like to work together to resolve the concern.

Template: When I [ heard / observed / reflected on] your [ action / behavior / output], I felt concerned because . . . I’d like to understand your perspective and talk about how we can resolve this.

CHAPTER FIVE: MANAGING YOURSELF

If you don’t have a good handle on yourself, you won’t have a good handle on how to best support your team. You first need to get deep with knowing you — your strengths, your values, your comfort zones, your blind spots, and your biases.

Get to Brutal Honesty with Yourself

For self-awareness: use StrengthsFinder 2.0 by Tom Rath or StandOut by Marcus Buckingham.

If you want to do a quick version, jot down the first thing that comes to mind when you ask yourself the following questions:

• How would the people who know and like me best (family, significant other, close friends) describe me in three words?
• What three qualities do I possess that I am the proudest of?
• When I look back on something I did that was successful, what personal traits do I give credit to?
• What are the top three most common pieces of positive feedback that I’ve received from my manager or peers?
• Whenever my worst inner critic sits on my shoulder, what does she yell at me for?
• If a magical fairy were to come and bestow on me three gifts I don’t yet have, what would they be?
• What are three things that trigger me? (A trigger is a situation that gets me more worked up than it should.)
• What are the top three most common pieces of feedback from my manager or peers on how I could be more effective?

Ask others for feedback:

Ask your manager to help you calibrate yourself through the following two questions:

• What opportunities do you see for me to do more of what I do well? What do you think are the biggest things holding me back from having greater impact?
• What skills do you think a hypothetical perfect person in my role would have? For each skill, how would you rate me against that ideal on a scale of one to five?

Pick three to seven people whom you work closely with and ask if they’d be willing to share some feedback to help you improve.

Examples of specific asks:

• On our last project together, in what ways did you see me having an impact? What do you think I could have done to have more impact?
• With my team, what am I doing well that you’d like to see me do more of? What should I stop doing?
• One of the things I’m working on is being more decisive. How do you think I’m doing on that? Any suggestions on how I can do better here?

Ask for task-specific feedback to calibrate yourself on specific skills

• “I’m hoping to improve my speaking skills. What do you think went well with my presentation?”
• “I’m working on making sure my point is clear in the first three minutes. Did that come across? How can I make it clearer next time?”

LEARNING TO BE TWICE AS GOOD

Set a lofty goal for yourself: How can I be twice as good? Then maximize your learning through the following.

Treat Your Manager as a Coach

• Engage your manager for feedback. Ask, “What skills do you think I should work on in order to have more impact?” Share your personal goals and enlist his help: “I want to learn to become a better presenter, so I’d be grateful if you kept an eye out for opportunities where I can get in front of others.”
• Use 1: 1s with my manager as an opportunity for focused learning (e.g. “How do you decide which meetings to attend?” or “How do you approach selling a candidate?”)

Make a Mentor Out of Everyone

• In particular, people in your peer group — those with a similar job to yours — can be an excellent source of support and advice.
• Whatever the skill, don’t be afraid to ask, “Hey, I’m really impressed with the way you [ do X]. I’d love to learn from you. Would you be willing to grab a coffee with me and share your approach?”

Set Aside Time to Reflect and Set Goals

• Personally, I like to schedule an hour on my calendar at the end of every week to think about what I accomplished, what I’m satisfied or dissatisfied with, and what I’m taking away for next week. I then jot down some notes in an email to my team, as an easy way to keep up the habit.
• I also set personal goals and do bigger look-backs every six months, which gives me a longer time frame to tackle ambitious projects and learn new skills.
• At the end of every six months, I’ll pull up my goals and evaluate how I did. The important thing isn’t the grade but what I learned.

CHAPTER SIX: AMAZING MEETINGS

Good meetings are simple and straightforward. You leave them feeling the same way every time:

• The meeting was a great use of my time.
• I learned something new that will help me be more effective at my job.
• I left with a clearer sense of what I should do next.
• Everyone was engaged.
• I felt welcome.

WHAT IS A GREAT OUTCOME FOR YOUR MEETING?

You may hear the conventional wisdom that “all meetings should have a purpose.” That’s good advice, but it doesn’t go far enough. You need to ask: “what does a great outcome look like?” Being crystal clear about the outcome you’re shooting for is the first step to running great meetings.

Meeting Type: Making a Decision

In a decision meeting, you’re framing the different options on the table and asking a decision-maker to make a call.

Success here is both getting to a clear decision and everyone leaving with a sense of trust in the process. You don’t need consensus, but those whom the decision affects should feel that the way it was made was efficient and fair.

A great decision-making meeting does the following:

• Gets a decision made (obviously)
• Includes the people most directly affected by the decision as well as a clearly designated decision-maker
• Presents all credible options objectively and with relevant background information, and includes the team’s recommendation if there is one
• Gives equal airtime to dissenting opinions and makes people feel that they were heard

Bad outcomes to avoid:

• People feel that their side wasn’t presented well, so they don’t trust the resulting decision.
• Decisions take a long time to make, which delays progress. While important and hard-to-reverse decisions deserve deep consideration, be wary of spending too much time on small, easy-to-reverse decisions.
• Decisions keep flip-flopping back and forth, which makes it hard to trust and act on them.
• Too much time is spent trying to get a group to a consensus rather than escalating quickly to a decision-maker.
• Time is wasted on rehashing the same argument twenty different ways.

Meeting Type: Sharing Information

Done well, it allows for more interactivity – groups can ask questions or express their reactions.

A great informational meeting accomplishes the following:

• Enables the group to feel like they learned something valuable
• Conveys key messages clearly and memorably
• Keeps the audience’s attention (through dynamic speakers, rich storytelling, skilled pacing, interactivity)
• Evokes an intended emotion — whether inspiration, trust, pride, courage, empathy, etc.

Meeting Type: Providing Feedback

Often known as a “review,” the purpose of a feedback meeting is for stakeholders to understand and give input on work in progress.

A great feedback meeting achieves the following:

• Gets everyone on the same page about what success for the project looks like
• Honestly represents the current status of the work, including an assessment of how things are going, any changes since the last check-in, and what the future plans are
• Clearly frames open questions, key decisions, or known concerns to get the most helpful feedback
• Ends with agreed-upon next steps (including when the next milestone or check-in will be)

Meeting Type: Generating Ideas

The best idea generation comes from understanding that we need both time to think alone (because our brains are most creative when we’re by ourselves) and time to engage with others (because hearing different perspectives creates sparks that lead to even better ideas).

Preparation and good facilitation is key. A great generative meeting does the following:

• Produces many diverse, nonobvious solutions through ensuring each participant has quiet alone time to think of ideas and write them down (either before or during the meeting)
• Considers the totality of ideas from everyone, not just the loudest voices
• Helps ideas evolve and build off each other through meaningful discussion
• Ends with clear next steps for how to turn ideas into action

Meeting Type: Strengthening Relationships

A great team bonding meeting enables the following:

• Creates better understanding and trust between participants
• Encourages people to be open and authentic
• Makes people feel cared for

Give People a Chance to Come Prepared

• Organizers to send out any presentations or documents the day before so that everyone got the chance to process the information in advance.
• Sending out an agenda ahead of time shows a level of care and intentionality in helping the group stay focused. It’s a good idea to do this for meetings of any size, even 1: 1s, but the larger the meeting, the more important the preparation.
• In the last few minutes of a meeting, get into the habit of asking, “So before we break, let’s make sure we agree on next steps . . .” After the meeting, send out a recap to the attendees with a summary of the discussion, a list of specific action items and who is responsible for each, and when the next check – in will be.

MAKE IT SAFE FOR PEOPLE TO CONTRIBUTE

Be Explicit about the Norms You Want to Set

• If you want everyone to participate in your meeting, sometimes the easiest tactic is just to say that directly.

Manage Equal Airtime

• Be on the lookout for interruptions. If someone starts making a point but another loud voice cuts her off, provide cover by saying, “Hang on, Ann wasn’t finished.” As an added bonus, I’ve found that doing this also bolsters your own credibility.
• Reading the room: Particularly perceptive managers might even try directed questions: “Susan, you look puzzled — what do you think we should do?” or “Rick, we haven’t heard from you yet. What’s your opinion?”
• For the overtalkers , be clear but polite in letting them know that it’s time for someone else to get a turn: “Ian, it’s clear you have more you want to say, but let’s first make sure other people get a chance to weigh in ” or “ Laura, I’m hearing that you feel very strongly we should do X — before we wrap , does anyone have another opinion? I want to make sure all points of view are heard.”

CHAPTER SEVEN: HIRING WELL

DESIGN YOUR TEAM INTENTIONALLY

One exercise I do every January is to map out where I hope my team will be by the end of the year. I create a future org chart, analyze gaps in skills, strengths, or experiences, and make a list of open roles to hire for. You can do something similar by asking yourself the following questions:

• How many new people will I add to our team this year (based on company growth, expected attrition, budget, priorities, etc.)?
• For each new hire, what level of experience am I looking for?
• Which specific skills or strengths do we need in our team (for example, creative thinking, operational excellence, expertise in XYZ, etc.)?
• Which skills and strengths does our team already have that new hires can stand to be weaker in?

HIRING IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY

Describe Your Ideal Candidate as Precisely as You Can

• It’s the hiring manager’s job to identify when a role is open and what kinds of people would be the best fit. Write the job description

Develop a Sourcing Strategy

• Once you have a good sense of the kind of person you want, it’s helpful to sit down with the recruiter and brainstorm where to look for your ideal candidate.

Deliver an Amazing Interview Experience

• A great interview process gives the candidate confidence in our company and the team they would be working with.

Show Candidates How Much You Want Them

• After I deliver an offer, I try to check in with the candidate every other day to let her know that I am thinking about her and that I’m excited to welcome her to my team.
• The more senior the candidate, the more critical your involvement is in the close because that person likely has many options, and you are looking for her to play a leadership role within your team.

HIRING IS A GAMBLE, BUT MAKE SMART BETS

Examine Past Examples of Similar Work – The best predictor for how someone will do in the future is to understand how they’ve done in the past on similar projects in similar environments.

Seek Out Trusted Recommendations – Trust the feedback. However, when evaluating references, keep in mind people typically improve their skills over time, so discount negative feedback that isn’t recent.

Reject Weak Hires – nothing “wow” about them and none of the interviewers felt strongly enough to fight for the hire if the decision came down to no.

Prepare Your Interview Questions Ahead of Time (Top Questions)

1. What kinds of challenges are interesting to you and why? Can you describe a favorite project?
2. What do you consider your greatest strengths? What would your peers agree are your areas of growth?
3. Imagine yourself in three years. What do you hope will be different about you then compared to now?
4. What was the hardest conflict you’ve had in the past year? How did it end, and what did you learn from the experience?
5. What’s something that’s inspired you in your work recently?

Reject Anyone Who Exhibits Toxic Behavior – Be on the lookout for warning signs in interviews: bad-mouthing past employers (“My last manager was terrible”); blaming failures they were associated with on others (“The reason my last project didn’t succeed was because of internal politics”), etc.

Hire People Who Are Capable of More – Hiring someone who seems to offer more than what the role needs right now means they can help you tackle bigger problems in the future.

CHAPTER 8: MAKING THINGS HAPPEN

START WITH A CONCRETE VISION – Questions to Get Started

1. Assume you have a magic wand that makes everything your team does go perfectly. What do you hope will be different in two to three years compared to now?
2. How would you want someone who works on an adjacent team to describe what your team does? What do you hope will be your team’s reputation in a few years? How far off is that from where things are today?
3. What unique superpower(s) does your team have? When you’re at your best, how are you creating value? What would it look like for your team to be twice as good? Five times as good?
4. If you had to create a quick litmus test that anyone could use to assess whether your team was doing a poor job, a mediocre job, or a kick-ass job, what would that litmus test be?

A good strategy understands the crux of the problem it’s trying to solve. It focuses a team’s unique strengths, resources, and energy on what matters the most in achieving its goals.

Focus on Doing a Few Things Well – “If I could only achieve one goal, which would it be?”

Define Who Is Responsible for What – When ownership isn’t clear, things slip through the cracks.

Break Down a Big Goal into Smaller Pieces

From your target date, work backward and figure out who needs to do what every week. Ask people to set and publicly commit to their weekly goals—this creates accountability.

Order tasks by what matters most—which ones are “critical path” and which are “nice to have”? Always tackle “critical path” first.

PERFECT EXECUTION OVER PERFECT STRATEGY

Executing well means that you pick a reasonable direction, move quickly to learn what works and what doesn’t, and make adjustments to get to your desired outcome.

Here are some ways to tell if your team is executing well:

• Lists of projects or tasks are prioritized from most to least important, with the higher-up items receiving more time and attention.
• There is an efficient process for decision-making that everyone understands and trusts.
• The team moves quickly, especially with reversible decisions.
• After a decision is made, everyone commits (even those who disagree) and moves speedily to make it happen. Without new information, there is no second-guessing the decision, no pocket vetoing, and no foot dragging.
• When important new information surfaces, there is an expedient process to examine if and how current plans should change as a result.
• Every task has a who and a by when. Owners set and reliably deliver on commitments.
• The team is resilient and constantly seeking to learn. Every failure makes the team stronger because they don’t make the same mistake twice.

Define a Long-Term Vision and Work Backward

• What problems are you hoping to solve with what you’re doing?
• How do you imagine people will get value out of your work?
• Based on that, what are the most important priorities for the team now?

GOOD PROCESS IS EVER EVOLVING

Debriefs – One of the most useful tools for improving process is the practice of doing debriefs (also called retrospectives or postmortems). You can do this at the completion of a project, on a periodic basis, or anytime an unexpected event or error occurs.

• Here’s how it works: You invite the team to come together for an hour or two to reflect on what happened.
• Ask: What went well, what didn’t go well, and what would the team do differently next time?
• You must create a safe environment to have open and honest discussions. Present the facts as objectively as possible.

As a manager, part of your job will be the cultivation of such playbooks: how to run a team meeting, how to close a new hire, how to complete a project on time and on budget. If you find yourself doing a similar thing over and over again, chances are good that it can be codified into an instruction manual or checklist that can make the task go smoother in the future. Another bonus of doing this: you can then pass the playbook to others to learn and execute.

CHAPTER 9: LEADING A GROWING TEAM

BIG TEAMS VERSUS SMALL TEAMS

When you’re in leadership positions, they’re less likely to tell you the ugly truth. Here are ways to make it easier for people to tell you the truth.

• Emphasize that you welcome dissenting opinions and reward those who express them.
• Own your mistakes and remind your team that you are human, just like everyone else.
• Use language that invites discussion: “I may be totally wrong here, so tell me if you disagree. My opinion is . . .”
• You can also ask directly for advice: “If you were me, what would you do in this situation?”

GIVING PEOPLE BIG PROBLEMS IS A SIGN OF TRUST

The best work comes from those who have the time to live and breathe a problem fully, who can dedicate themselves to finding the best solution.

Give space for your employee to lead. Tell everyone else that she should now be considered the owner of the problem. Doing so creates accountability, but more important, the public declaration empowers the delegate.

TWO HEADS, ONE SHARED VISION

To create a shared vision of what’s important, ask yourself two things.

1. What are the biggest priorities right now for our team? Then, talk about those with your reports and discuss how they might play a role.
2. Are we aligned in how we think about people, purpose, and process?
3. People: Do we feel like we have the right people on the right problems?”
4. Purpose: Are you and your report aligned on why you’re doing what you’re doing and what success looks like?
5. Process: Are your reports establishing healthy processes for their teams?

WHAT TO DO WHEN A MANAGER STRUGGLES

Ask yourself: “Assume the role was open. Would you rather rehire your current leader or take a gamble on someone else?” If the answer is no, make the move.

AIM TO PUT YOURSELF OUT OF A JOB

Rule of thumb: “Try to double your leadership capacity every year.” How?  Through delegation.

The rule of thumb for delegation goes like this: spend your time and energy on the intersection of 1) what’s most important to the organization and 2) what you’re uniquely able to do better than anyone else.

From this, you can extrapolate that anything your report can do just as well or better than you, you should delegate.

CHAPTER TEN – NURTURING CULTURE

An organization’s culture is best understood not from reading what’s written on its corporate website but from seeing what it’s willing to give up for its values.

Culture describes the norms and values that govern how things get done.

KNOW THE KIND OF TEAM YOU WANT TO BE A PART OF

UNDERSTANDING YOUR CURRENT TEAM

• What are the first three adjectives that come to mind when describing the personality of your team?
• What moments made you feel most proud to be a part of your team? Why?
• What does your team do better than the majority of other teams out there?
• If you picked five random members of your team and individually asked each person, “What does our team value?” what would you hear?
• How similar is your team’s culture to the broader organization’s culture?
• Imagine a journalist scrutinizing your team. What would she say your team does well or not well?
• When people complain about how things work, what are the top three things that they bring up?

UNDERSTANDING YOUR ASPIRATIONS

• Describe the top five adjectives you’d want an external observer to use to describe your team’s culture. Why those?
• Now imagine those five adjectives sitting on a double-edged sword. What do you imagine are the pitfalls that come from ruthless adherence to those qualities? Are those acceptable to you?
• Make a list of the aspects of culture that you admire about other teams or organizations. Why do you admire them? What downsides does that team tolerate as a result?
• Make a list of the aspects of culture that you wouldn’t want to emulate from other teams or companies. Why not?

UNDERSTANDING THE DIFFERENCE

• On a scale from one to nine, with nine being “we’re 100 percent there” and one being “this is the opposite of our team,” how close is your current team from your aspirations?
•  What shows up as both a strength of your team as well as a quality you value highly?
• Where are the biggest gaps between your current team culture and your aspirations?
• What are the obstacles that might get in the way of reaching your aspirations? How will you address them?
• Imagine how you want your team to work in a year’s time. How would you describe to a report what you hope will be different then compared to now?

NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT WHAT’S IMPORTANT

When you value something deeply, don’t shy away from talking about it. Instead, embrace telling people why it’s important to you. Assume that for the message to stick, it should be heard ten different times and said in ten different ways. The more you can enlist others to help spread your message, the more likely it is to have an impact.

These days, I think a lot about how to communicate what I care about. I try different approaches—1:1 conversations about what’s on my mind, emails to my managers about my reflections for the week, notes to my entire staff on our top priorities, and in-person Q&A sessions focused on how we work.

ALWAYS WALK THE WALK

Our radars are fine-tuned to spot instances where someone in a position of authority says one thing and does another. This is one of the fastest ways to lose trust.

By Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler

Chapter 1: What’s a Crucial Conversation?

Crucial Conversation: A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong.

How We Typically Handle Crucial Conversations:  Most people tend to do one of three things when faced with a crucial conversation: avoid it, handle it poorly, or handle it well.

Unfortunately, many people avoid crucial conversations altogether because of the fear of confrontation or escalation. Others may handle them poorly due to a lack of communication skills, leading to defensiveness, arguments, or misunderstandings.

The key skill of effective leaders, teammates, parents, and loved ones is the capacity to skillfully address emotional, and politically risky issues.

Chapter 2: Mastering Crucial Conversations

Fool’s Choice: a common mistake that we are forced into an either/or decision when it comes to speaking up:

• Either we speak up and potentially cause conflict or hurt feelings,
• Or we remain silent to keep the peace, but fail to address the issue or problem.

You don’t have to choose between being honest and being effective. Skilled communicators understand that it’s possible to speak honestly while also maintaining respect and fostering positive relationships.

Dialogue: the free flow of meaning between two or more people.

• When it comes to risky, controversial and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open.
• At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information. People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories. They willingly and capably share their views, even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular.

Filling The Pool of Shared Meaning: Represents the collective understanding of everyone involved in the conversation.

• When two or more of us enter crucial conversations, we don’t share the same pool. Our opinions differ. I believe one thing; you another.
• People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool.
• The more ideas, opinions, and perspectives that are shared openly, the larger and richer the pool becomes.
• The larger the shared pool, the smarter the decision.
• When people openly and freely share ideas, the increased time investment is more than offset by the quality of the decision.
• Not only does a shared pool help individuals make better choices, but since the meaning is shared, people willingly act on whatever decisions they make – with both unity and conviction.  People are more committed to decisions when they understand all perspectives and reasoning behind them.
• The time you spend up front establishing a shared pool of meaning is more than paid for by faster, more unified, and more committed action later on.

Chapter 3: Start with Heart: How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want

Start with Heart

• This is the first principle of dialogue. If you can’t get yourself right, you’ll have a hard time getting dialogue right.
• People who are best at dialogue understand this simple fact and turn it into the principle “Work on me first, us second.” They realize not only that they are likely to benefit by improving their own approach, but also that they’re the only person they can work on anyway.
• Start with Heart means 1. Knowing what you really want from the conversation, both for yourself and the other patty and 2. Skilled people don’t make the Fool’s Choice (either/or choices)
• People often enter conversations with the wrong motives, such as wanting to win an argument, save face, or punish the other person. These motives prevent meaningful dialogue.
• Winning: This particular dialogue killer sits at the top of many of our lists. The desire to win is continually driving us away from healthy dialogue.

Step 1: Refocusing on What You Really Want

A critical technique in this chapter is learning to refocus on what you truly want. When conversations go off track, you should stop and ask yourself these key questions:

• What do I really want for myself?
• What do I really want for others?
• What do I really want for this relationship?

Once you’ve asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling question: How would I behave if I really wanted these results?

Asking these questions serves two importance purposes: 1. It reminds us of our goal. 2. It juices up our brain in a way that helps us keep focused (so you can control your emotions and stay in the conversation without resorting to aggressive or defensive behaviors)

Step 2: Refuse the Fools Choice

People believe they only have two options (either/or): be honest and hurt the relationship, or be silent and preserve the relationship. This is a false dichotomy.  You can find ways to express yourself honestly while also maintaining respect and keeping the conversation safe for the other person.

Ask: What do I want for myself, the other person, and the relationship?

Search for the Elusive And

• First, clarify what you really want
• Second, clarify what you don’t really want
• Third, present your brain with a more complex problem. Finally, combine the two into an “and” question that forces you to search for more creative and productive options than silence and violence.
  
  

Chapter 4: Learn to Look: How to Notice When Safety Is at Risk

Learning to Look: You should pay attention to both the content of the conversation (what people are saying) and the conditions under which the conversation is happening (how people are reacting).

Learn to Spot Crucial Conversations: Being able to notice when a conversation turns from a casual discussion to a crucial conversation is a key skill. The sooner you realize that the conversation is becoming emotionally charged or that safety is at risk, the sooner you can intervene to keep the dialogue productive.

Two Crucial Questions:

To monitor whether a conversation is staying on track, ask yourself two key questions:

1. “Am I or others moving toward silence or violence?” – This helps you detect whether someone is withdrawing from the conversation (silence) or becoming aggressive and confrontational (violence).
2. “Is safety at risk?” – When people don’t feel safe, they often resort to silence or violence as coping mechanisms. When safety is compromised, people stop sharing their thoughts openly, and dialogue breaks down.
   1. When it’s safe, you can say anything
   1. If you can learn to see when people start to feel unsafe, you can take action to fix it. That means the first challenge is to simply see and understand that safety is at risk
   1. People feel safe receiving feedback because you believe the other person had your best interest in mind and trusted the motives and ability of the other person

Recognizing Silence and Violence:

Silence: Behaviors like withholding information, avoiding difficult topics, or refusing to engage in the conversation. Silence can take the form of:

• Masking: Sugarcoating the message or downplaying it.
• Avoiding: Steering clear of sensitive topics.
• Withdrawing: Completely disengaging from the conversation.

Violence: Forcing your opinions on others through aggressive speech, sarcasm, or intimidation. Violence can take the form of:

• Controlling: Forcing views on others by cutting them off, overstating your arguments, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the conversation.
• Labeling: Stereotyping or dismissing others with generalized labels.
• Attacking: Insulting or belittling others to push your viewpoint.

Spotting the Conditions:

In addition to paying attention to what is being said, it’s important to observe how people are behaving. Notice their body language, tone of voice, and any signs of discomfort or frustration (e.g. arms crossed, avoids eye contact, or uses sarcastic remarks).

Maintaining Awareness of Yourself and Others:

Often, people are so focused on making their point that they fail to notice when others are shutting down or becoming defensive.

Regularly check in on yourself during a conversation, asking: “Am I moving toward silence or violence?” By monitoring your own behavior, you can ensure that you’re not contributing to a breakdown in dialogue.

Once you’ve recognized that safety is at risk, the next step is to take action to restore it. This may involve stepping back from the content of the conversation and addressing the conditions first. For example, you might say: “I notice that we’re both getting a little worked up. Let’s take a step back and make sure we’re both feeling comfortable sharing our views.”

Chapter 5: Make It Safe: How to Make It Safe to Talk About Almost Anything

The Two Conditions of Safety:

1. Mutual Purpose: This means that everyone involved in the conversation believes that you are working toward a common goal. They need to feel that you care about their concerns, interests, and desires. If people suspect that you have a hidden agenda or are solely pursuing your own interests, safety is compromised.

Crucial Questions to ask if Mutual Purpose is at risk:

• Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation?
• Do they trust my motives?

• Mutual Respect: This means maintaining a level of respect for everyone involved, even when you disagree. If people sense that they are being disrespected, they will withdraw or become defensive, and dialogue will break down.

Crucial Questions to ask if Mutual Respect is at risk:

• Do others believe I respect them?

How to Restore Mutual Purpose:

Apologize When Appropriate: If you’ve said or done something that has compromised safety, offer a sincere apology. Acknowledge your mistake and show that you care about the other person’s feelings. You have to give up saving face, being right, or winning in order to focus on what you really want.

Contrast to Fix Misunderstandings: Contrasting is a tool for clarifying what you don’t mean and then explaining what you do mean.

• Address other’s concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (the don’t part)
• Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do part)
• For example, if someone thinks you are questioning their competence, you might say, “I’m not suggesting that you’re not capable; I’m just concerned about the deadline.”
• The don’t is the most important because it deals with the misunderstanding that has put safety at risk.

Create a Mutual Purpose: When the conversation gets stuck, you may need to step back and find a purpose that everyone can agree on. Ask questions like, “What is it that we both want to achieve here?” or “What do you need from this discussion?” By working together to identify a common goal, you can re-align the conversation and restore safety.

CRIB to Get to Mutual Purpose:

C – Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose: Let the other person know that you want to find a solution that works for both of you. This shows that you’re open to hearing their perspective and finding a way forward together.

R – Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy: Explore the underlying purpose behind each person’s stance. Often, people become stuck on specific strategies rather than focusing on the deeper needs and desires driving those strategies. Ask: “Why do you want that?”

I – Invent a Mutual Purpose: If you can’t find common ground initially, work together to create a new purpose that aligns with both of your goals.

B – Brainstorm New Strategies: Once you have established a mutual purpose, brainstorm ways to achieve it. This collaborative approach helps to move the conversation forward and ensures that everyone’s concerns are addressed.

Chapter 6: Master My Stories: How to Stay in Dialogue When You’re Angry, Scared, or Hurt

The Path to Action:

See and Hear: The raw facts and observable data from the situation.

Tell a Story: We interpret these facts and data, creating a story about what we think is happening. Our stories explain the facts but often involve assumptions, judgments, and even biases.

Feel: The story we tell ourselves leads to an emotional response. For example, if we tell ourselves a story that someone is disrespecting us, we may feel angry or hurt.

Act: Our emotions then drive our actions. When we’re angry, we might respond aggressively or with sarcasm. When we’re hurt, we might withdraw or go silent.

Our actions are driven not directly by the facts of the situation, but by the stories we tell ourselves about those facts. By recognizing this, we can change our emotional responses by changing the stories we create.

Stories Drive Our Emotions:

• Stories are the root of our emotions. The stories we tell ourselves—about what others’ actions mean, their intentions, or our own worth—are what cause us to feel angry, scared, or hurt.
• These stories are often incomplete or inaccurate because they are built on assumptions and past experiences rather than the full set of facts.
• The first step to regaining emotional control is to challenge the illusion that what you’re feeling is the only right emotion under the circumstances. This may be the hardest step, but it’s also the most important.

Don’t confuse stories with facts.

• Facts are concrete, observable events (e.g., “He arrived ten minutes late to the meeting”). Stories are our interpretations and judgments of those facts (e.g., “He doesn’t care about this project”). Confusing the two can lead to inaccurate assumptions and emotional reactions.
• By distinguishing between facts and stories, you can avoid jumping to conclusions and instead approach the conversation with a more open and curious mindset.

Three Clever Stories:

Three common types of stories that people tell themselves when conversations turn crucial:

• The Victim Story: This story focuses on how we are innocent and powerless, portraying ourselves as the victims of someone else’s actions. It allows us to avoid our role/responsibility for the situation and reinforces our feelings of injustice or hurt.
• The Villain Story: In this story, we demonize others, exaggerating their negative traits or intentions. By blaming others and painting them as villains, we justify our own reactions and avoid seeing their perspective.
• The Helpless Story: This story tells us that we have no control and that nothing can be done. It allows us to avoid taking action by convincing ourselves that any effort would be futile.

These stories distort reality, excuse our own bad behavior, and prevent productive dialogue. They need to be challenged and replaced with more balanced and constructive narratives.

Taking Control of Your Stories:

To change your emotions and stay in dialogue, you need to master your stories by questioning and challenging them. Asking yourself the following key questions:

• “What am I pretending not to know about my role in the problem?” – This question helps you take responsibility for your actions and avoid the victim story.
• “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?” – This question helps you see the other person’s actions in a more charitable light and dismantles the villain story.
• “What do I really want?” (For me? For others? For the relationship?)– Refocusing on your true goals helps you avoid the helpless story and look for constructive ways to achieve what you want.

Tell the Rest of the Story:

To create a more balanced and accurate view of the situation, re-tell the story by looking at the facts from a neutral perspective, considering your own role in the problem, and exploring alternative explanations for the other person’s behavior.

Chapter 7: STATE My Path: How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively

STATE provides a step-by-step approach to express your views in a way that minimizes defensiveness and encourages open dialogue:

S – Share Your Facts: Start by sharing the facts of the situation. Facts are the least controversial, the most persuasive, objective, observable, and less likely to provoke an emotional reaction.  Sharing facts first establishes a common ground before moving on to potentially more subjective interpretations.

• For example, instead of saying, “You never respect my time,” you might say, “You’ve been late to the last three meetings.”

T – Tell Your Story: After stating the facts, share your interpretation or story. Explain how you are making sense of the facts. This step acknowledges that your story is just your perspective and opens the door for others to share theirs. It’s important to frame this as your perspective, not an absolute truth. Using phrases like “I’m beginning to think…” or “The way I see it is…” helps to frame your story as one possible interpretation rather than a definitive accusation.

• For example, “When you’re late, I start to think that you might not value our time together.”  
• Opportunity to use contrasting statements to rebuild safety.

A – Ask for Others’ Paths: Invite the other person to share their perspective. This shows that you are genuinely interested in their point of view and are open to hearing a different interpretation.

•  For example, “What’s your take on this? I’d like to hear your thoughts.”

T – Talk Tentatively: Use tentative language when telling your story. By avoiding absolutes, you reduce the likelihood of the other person feeling attacked. By using tentative language and inviting others to share their thoughts, you signal that you are open to dialogue and not simply trying to impose your views. This reduces the other person’s defensiveness and fosters a collaborative atmosphere.

• For example, instead of saying, “You’re always inconsiderate,” you might say, “I’m starting to wonder if this might be a misunderstanding.”
• “It seems like…”
• “I was wondering why…”
• The more tentatively you speak, the more open people become to your opinions.

E – Encourage Testing: Show that you are willing to explore different viewpoints and that you value the other person’s input. Invite others to challenge your perspective, provide additional facts, or offer alternative explanations.

• Invite opposing views: “If you see it differently, I’m open to discussing it” or “What am I missing here?” or “I’d really like to hear the other side of this story” “Does that sound right to you?”
• Play devil’s advocate: “Maybe I’m wrong here. What if the opposite is true?”
• To keep the dialogue open, encourage testing of your ideas. Invite others to challenge your perspective, provide additional facts, or offer alternative explanations. For example, “What am I missing here?” or “Does that sound right to you?”

Chapter 8: Explore Others’ Paths: How to Listen When Others Blow Up or Clam Up

In crucial conversations, people often respond to stress by either blowing up (moving toward violence) or clamming up (moving toward silence). When this happens, your role shifts to creating a safe environment that encourages them to express their thoughts and feelings.

Exploring others’ paths requires patience, active listening, and a genuine desire to understand. When others see that you’re committed to hearing their side, they’re more likely to engage in meaningful conversation.

In order for people to move from acting on their feelings to talking about their conclusions and observations, we must listen in a way that makes it safe for others to share their intimate thoughts. They must believe that when they share their thoughts, they won’t offend others or be punished for speaking frankly.

Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, or Prime (AMPP):

1. Ask: Use simple, open-ended questions to invite the other person to share their thoughts. By asking open-ended questions, you signal that you’re genuinely interested in hearing the other person’s perspective. This can encourage them to speak up and share their side of the story. Asking also sets a tone of curiosity and respect, making it clear that you value their input.
   1. “Can you help me understand what’s going on?”
   1. “I’d really like to hear your opinion on this.”
   1. “Please let me know if you see it differently.”
   1. “Don’t worry about hurting my feelings. I really want to hear your thoughts.”
2. Mirror: Reflect back what you observe about the other person’s feelings or behaviors to show that you’re paying attention. Mirroring involves observing the other person’s body language, tone, and words to reflect back what you’re noticing. When people feel that their emotions are being acknowledged, they’re more likely to feel safe and continue the conversation.
   1. “I noticed you’re really quiet. Is there something on your mind?”
   1. “You say you’re okay, but by the tone of your voice, you seem upset.”
   1. “You seem angry at me”
3. Paraphrase: Restate what the other person is saying in your own words to confirm your understanding and demonstrate that you’re listening and also allows you to confirm that you’ve correctly understood their concerns. By restating their points, you validate their experience and open the door for them to elaborate or correct your interpretation.
   1. “So you’re concerned that I didn’t take your suggestion into account. Is that right?”
4. Prime: If the other person is still hesitant to open up, offer a prime—a best guess at what they might be feeling. This can help them start talking if they’re reluctant. Priming should be done tentatively and respectfully.
   1. “It seems like you might be feeling frustrated because your ideas weren’t considered.”

Remember you ABCs

Agree – if you completely agree with the other person’s argument, say so and move on. Agree when you agree. Don’t turn an agreement into an argument.

Build – if you agree with what has been said, but the information is incomplete, build. Point out areas of agreement and then add elements that were left out of the discussion. “Absolutely. In addition, I noticed that…”

Compare – if you do disagree, compare your path with the other person’s.  Rather than suggesting that he or she is wrong, suggest that you differ. “I think I see this differently. Let me describe how.”

Chapter 9: Move to Action: How to Turn Crucial Conversations into Action and Results

Effective communication requires that everyone not only reaches a shared understanding but also agrees on the specific steps to move forward.

Deciding How to Decide:

Before making any decisions, it’s important to determine how the group will make decisions. There are four main ways decisions are commonly made:

1. Command: Decisions are made by an individual or a group with authority. In this model, others are expected to follow the decision without being involved in the process.
2. Consult: A person or group seeks input from others before making a decision. Although people do not have final say, their input influences the outcome.
3. Vote: When options are clear and there is a need for a quick resolution, the group votes, and the majority rules.
4. Consensus: The group discusses and negotiates until everyone can support the decision. This is used when commitment is critical and everyone’s opinion matters.

The key is to clarify upfront which decision-making method will be used. This helps manage expectations and avoids frustration later.

How to Choose Which Method:

• Who cares? Don’t involve people who don’t care.
• Who knows? Try not to involve people who contribute no new information
• Who must agree? It’s better to involve people you need cooperating with to avoid surprising them and seeing resistance
• How many people is it worth involving?  Goal is to involve the fewest number of people, while still considering the quality of the decision

Making Assignments:

• Who: Identify a specific person responsible for the task.
• Does What: Describe the specific action or task that needs to be completed. What does done look like? If you’ve seen people misunderstand an assignment in the past, explain the common mistake as an example of what you don’t want.
• By When: Establish a clear deadline for when the task needs to be completed.
• How will you follow up? Establish regular check-ins to discuss the progress of tasks and address any obstacles.

Documenting Decisions: Write down who agreed to do what by when and share it with all relevant parties. This not only serves as a reminder but also provides a reference point if there is any confusion later on.

Holding Each Other Accountable:

When holding someone accountable, start by describing the gap between what was agreed upon and what actually happened. For example, “We agreed you would complete the report by Friday, but I haven’t received it yet.” This approach focuses on the facts and the agreement made, reducing defensiveness.

Chapter 11: Putting It All Together: Tools for Preparing and Learning

Two key principles: Learn to Look & Make it Safe

1. Learn to Look: determine if you’re in or out of dialogue. “I think we’ve moved away from dialogue.” – this simple reminder helps people catch themselves early on, before the damage is severe.
2. Make it Safe: when you notice that you and others have moved way from dialogue, do something to make it safer (Contrasting to AMPP, etc.)

Preparation is Key:

1. Effective crucial conversations begin long before you actually sit down to talk. Preparation allows you to enter the conversation with a clear understanding of your goals and a readiness to use the tools discussed in the previous chapters.
2. Plan and Practice: Create a plan and use low-stakes situations to practice the skills until they become habitual.
3. Reflect and Learn: After each conversation, evaluate what worked well and identify areas for improvement to continually enhance your skills.