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How Children Succeed by Paul Tough 4/10

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Summary

  • Stress: Children who grow up in stressful environments generally find it harder to concentrate, harder to sit still, harder to rebound from disappointments, and harder to follow directions.
    • Parents can negate the effects of stress on their children by forming close, nurturing relationships with their children.
  • Non-cognitive skills or personality traits or character like persistence, self-control, curiosity, conscientiousness, grit, and self-confidence are key attributes for future success.
    • These skills can be taught and learned (as demonstrated by KIPP schools)!       
    • Successful kids control their impulses, stay focused on the task at hand, avoid distractions and mental traps, manage their emotions, and organize their thoughts.
  • Grit: Successful people have high motivation and grit/self-discipline / perseverance.
  • Self-discipline is a better predictor of their final GPAs than IQ scores.  
  • Rules: Set rules for yourself to reduce the use of willpower
    • If/then: “If I get distracted by TV after school, then I will wait to watch TV until after I finish my homework.”
    •  “I never eat fried food”
  • Failure: let children fail and learn from their mistakes and what they got wrong. “Losing is something you do, not something you are” – Spiegel (runs successful children’s chess program)

How to Fail (and How Not To)

  • One way to measure the quality of one’s childhood is to use the “Adverse Childhood Experience” (ACE) questionnaire, which measures how many traumatic events someone has experienced during their childhood. These traumatic experiences include things like direct abuse, such as physical or sexual abuse and emotional neglect, as well as other kinds of household dysfunction, such as a separated family, mental illness, or addiction
  • The higher the ACE score, the worse the outcome on almost every measure from addictive behavior to chronic disease.
  • Psychologists had long believed that traumatic events in childhood could produce feelings of low self-esteem or worthlessness, and it was reasonable to assume that those feelings could lead to addiction, depression, and even suicide.
  • The part of the brain most affected by early stress is the prefrontal cortex, which is critical in self-regulatory activities of all kinds, both emotional and cognitive. As a result, children who grow up in stressful environments generally find it harder to concentrate, harder to sit still, harder to rebound from disappointments, and harder to follow directions.
  • Parents and other caregivers who can form close, nurturing relationships with their children can foster resilience in them that protects them from many of the worst effects of a harsh early environment.
  • There was a study of baby rats that were either licked by their mother or not.  The study found that babies that were licked and groomed (regardless of their biological mother or rearing mother) grew up to be braver bolder and better adjusted than a pup who hadn’t.
  • When mothers scored high on measures of responsiveness, the impact of those environmental factors on their children seemed almost to disappear. High-quality mothering, in other words, can act as a powerful buffer against the damage that adversity inflicts on a child’s stress-response system, much as the dams’ licking and grooming seemed to protect their pups.
  • Babies whose parents responded readily and fully to their cries in the first months of life were, at one year, more independent and intrepid than babies whose parents had ignored their cries.
  • In preschool, the pattern continued— the children whose parents had responded most sensitively to their emotional needs as infants were the most self-reliant.
  • Parents who were attuned to their child’s mood and responsive to his cues produced securely attached children; parenting that was detached or conflicted or hostile produced anxiously attached children. And early attachment, Ainsworth said, created psychological effects that could last a lifetime.
  • Children with secure attachment early on were more socially competent throughout their lives: better able to engage with preschool peers, better able to form close friendships in middle childhood, and better able to negotiate the complex dynamics of adolescent social networks.
  • Children whose parents had been judged disengaged or emotionally unavailable in early assessments of their parenting style did the worst in preschool, and teachers recommended special education or grade retention for two-thirds of them.
  • The early nurturing attention from their mothers had fostered in them a resilience that acted as a protective buffer against stress.

How to Build Character

  • The students who persisted in college were not necessarily the ones who had excelled academically at KIPP. Instead, they seemed to be the ones who possessed certain other gifts, skills like optimism, resilience and social agility. They were the students who were able to recover from bad grades and resolve to do better next time; who could bounce back from unhappy breakups or fights with their parents; who could persuade professors to give them extra help after class; who could resist the urge to go out to the movies and instead stay home and study.
  • Character definition: a set of abilities or strengths that are very much changeable— entirely malleable. They are skills you can learn; they are skills you can practice; and they are skills you can teach.
  • Successful people have high motivation and grit/self-discipline/perseverance.
  • Students’ self-discipline scores from the previous fall were better predictors of their final GPAs than their IQ scores.
  • Conscientiousness – meaning the desire to try one’s best and be thorough in a task even when there is no external reward – also predicts all kinds of positive life outcomes.
    • They are orderly, hard-working, reliable, and respectful of social norms. But perhaps the most important ingredient of conscientiousness is self-control.
    • People high in conscientiousness get better grades in high school and college; they commit fewer crimes; and they stay married longer. They live longer— and not just because they smoke and drink less. They have fewer strokes, lower blood pressure, and a lower incidence of Alzheimer’s disease.
  • The seven characteristics to develop for a successful life: zest, grit, optimism, gratitude, social intelligence, curiosity, and self-control.
  • Wealthy parents today, are more likely than others to be emotionally distant from their children while at the same time insisting on high levels of achievement, a potentially toxic blend of influences that can create “intense feelings of shame and hopelessness” in affluent children.
  • And yet we know— on some level, at least— that what kids need more than anything is a little hardship: some challenge, some deprivation that they can overcome, even if just to prove to themselves that they can.
  • For kids to succeed, they first need to learn how to fail and learn from those mistakes.
  • Cognitive-behavioral therapy, or CBT, involves using the conscious mind to recognize negative or self-destructive thoughts or interpretations and to (sometimes literally) talk yourself into a better perspective.
  • Create a series of “implementation intentions”— specific plans in the form of if/ then statements that link the obstacles with ways to overcome them:
    • “If I get distracted by TV after school, then I will wait to watch TV until after I finish my homework.”
  • Set rules for yourself to reduce the use of willpower.
    • By making yourself a rule (“I never eat fried dumplings”), you can sidestep the painful internal conflict between your desire for fried foods and your willful determination to resist them.

How to Think

  • Rowson has argued that the most important talents in chess are not intellectual at all; they are psychological and emotional.
  • In reality, he wrote, if you want to become a great chess player or even a good one, “your ability to recognize and utilize your emotions is every bit as important as the way you think.”
  • Two of the most important executive functions are cognitive flexibility and cognitive self-control. Cognitive flexibility is the ability to see alternative solutions to problems, to think outside the box, and to negotiate unfamiliar situations. Cognitive self-control is the ability to inhibit an instinctive or habitual response and substitute a more effective, less obvious one.
  • If you really want to get better at chess, you have to look at your games and figure out what you’re doing wrong.”
  • And I really believe that’s why we seem to win girls’ nationals sections pretty easily every year: most people won’t tell teenage girls (especially the together, articulate ones) that they are lazy and the quality of their work is unacceptable. And sometimes kids need to hear that, or they have no reason to step up.
  • What Spiegel’s success suggests, though, is that when children reach early adolescence, what motivates them most effectively isn’t licking and grooming– style care but a very different kind of attention. Perhaps what pushes middle-school students to concentrate and practice as maniacally as Spiegel’s chess players do is the unexpected experience of someone taking them seriously, believing in their abilities, and challenging them to improve themselves.
  • Like students at KIPP, IS 318 students were being challenged to look deeply at their own mistakes, examine why they had made them, and think hard about what they might have done differently. And whether you call that approach cognitive therapy or just plain good teaching, it seemed remarkably effective in producing change in middle-school students.

How to Succeed

  • Angela Duckworth, the guru of self-control and grit, found that standardized test scores were predicted by scores on pure IQ tests and that GPA was predicted by scores on tests of self-control.
  • Roderick identified as a critical component of college success “noncognitive academic skills,” including “study skills, work habits, time management, help-seeking behavior, and social/ academic problem-solving skills.” – aka self-control.

A Better Path

  • The most reliable way to produce an adult who is brave, curious, kind, and prudent is to ensure that when he is an infant, his hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis functions well. And how do you do that?
  • First, as much as possible, you protect him from serious trauma and chronic stress; then, even more important, you provide him with a secure, nurturing relationship with at least one parent and ideally two. That’s not the whole secret of success, but it is a big, big part of it.
  • The equivalent skill for human infants, I think, is being able to calm down after a tantrum or a bad scare
  • As Ellington grew older, though, I found, as countless parents had found before me, that he needed something more than love and hugs. He also needed discipline, rules, limits; someone to say no. And what he needed more than anything was some child-size adversity, a chance to fall down and get back up on his own, without help.
  • Or more precisely, we need to help him learn to manage failure. This idea— the importance of learning how to deal with and learn from your own failures— is a common thread in many of the chapters in this book.
  • But they don’t accurately represent the biggest obstacles to academic success that poor children, especially very poor children, often face: a home and a community that creates high levels of stress, and the absence of a secure relationship with a caregiver that would allow a child to manage that stress.

Never Eat Alone – by Keith Ferrazzi & Tahl Raz – 5/10

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Success in Life = (The People You Meet) + (What You Create Together)

Section 1 – The Mind-Set

Chapter 1 – Becoming a Member of the Club

  • The people who had reached professional heights unknown to my father and mother helped each other. They found one another jobs, they invested time and money in one another’s ideas, and they made sure their kids got help getting into the best schools, got the right internships, and ultimately got the best jobs.
  • Before my eyes, I saw proof that success breeds success and, indeed, the rich do get richer. Their web of friends and associates was the most potent club.
  • When you help others, they often help you – reciprocity
  • Success in any field, but especially in business, is about working with people, not against them.
  • I learned that real networking was about finding ways to make other people more successful. It was about working hard to give more than you get.

Chapter 2 – Don’t Keep Score

  • What’s the secret to success? Generosity
  • You’ve got to be more than willing to accept generosity. Often, you’ve got to go out and ask for it.
  • Until you become as willing to ask for help as you are to give it, you are only working half the equation.
  • A network functions precisely because there’s recognition of mutual need. There’s an implicit understanding that investing time and energy in building personal relationships with the right people will pay dividends.
  • If I’m going to take the time to meet with somebody, I’m going to try to make that person successful.
  • Don’t ask “How can you help me,” but “How can I help you”
  • Business cycles ebb and flow; your friends and trusted associates remain.
  • It’s better to give before you receive. And never keep score. (e.g., who’s turn is it to get lunch)

Chapter 3 – What’s Your Mission

Goal setting: The key is to make setting goals a habit. If you do that, goal setting becomes a part of your life.

Step 1 – Find Your Passion

  • Before you start writing down your goals, you’d better know what your dream is.
  • The intersection is what I call your “blue flame” – where passion and ability come together.
    • Look Inside:  create a list of dreams and goals. Next to the first list, I write down in a second column all the things that bring me joy and pleasure, the achievements, people, and things that move me. When I’m done, I start to connect these two lists, looking for intersections, that sense of direction or purpose.
    • Look Outside: Next, ask the people who know you best what they think your greatest strengths and weaknesses are.
    • Our achievements grow according to the size of our dreams and the degree to which we are in touch with our mission.

Step 2 – Putting Goals to Paper

  • Create a Relationship Action Plan – this will connect your goals to people, places, and things that will help you get the job done.
  • Further detail here: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140612171618-1052611-want-better-meetings-embrace-relationship-action-planning-rap/
  • In the first section, I list what I’d like to accomplish three years from today. I then work backward in both one-year and three month increments to develop mid- and short-term goals that will help me reach my mission.
  • I created an A goal and a B goal that will meaningfully contribute to where I want to be three years from now.
  • Once you have your plan, post it in a place (or places) where you will see it on a regular basis. Share your goals with others. Make sure your goals are written down.
    • Goals must be specific, believable, and challenging/demanding.

Step 3 – Create a Personal “Board of Advisors”

  • It can be made up of family members; perhaps someone who’s been a mentor to you; even an old friend or two to have external vetting of your goals.

Chapter 4 – Build It Before You Need It

  • Harness your preexisting network – have you investigated the friends and contacts of your parents? How about your siblings? Your friends from college and grad school?
  • It’s easiest to reach out to those people who are at least tangentially part of your network.
  • Focus on your immediate network: friends of friends, old acquaintances from school, and family whom they could introduce you to help fulfill your goals.

Chapter 5 – The Genius of Audacity

  • It never hurts to ask – the most important act in his life. The worst anyone can say is no. If they choose not to give their time or their help, it’s their loss.
  • Find a role model – pay attention to their actions. Over time, you’ll adopt some of their techniques.
  • Set a goal for yourself of initiative a meeting with one new person a week.

Chapter 6 – The Networking Jerk

  • It’s better to spend more time with fewer people at a one-hour get together and have one or two meaningful dialogues than engage in a wandering-eye routine and lose the respect of most people you meet.
  • “Dear Keith, I hear you’re a good networker. I am, too. Let’s sit down for fifteen minutes and a cup of coffee.” Why? I ask myself. Why in the world do people expect me to respond to a request like that? Have they appealed to me emotionally? Have they said they could help me? Have they sought some snippet of commonality between us?
  • Don’t treat those under you poorly: You must treat people with respect up and down the ladder.
  • Be transparent: People respond with trust when they know you’re dealing straight with them.
  • Don’t be too efficient: Reaching out to others is not a numbers game. Your goal is to make genuine connections with people you can count on.
  • An inner truth about the skill of reaching out to others: Those who are best at it don’t network – they make friends.

Section 2 – The Skill Set

Chapter 7 – Do Your Homework

  • Before I meet any new people, I’ve been thinking of introducing myself to, I research who they are and what their business is. I find out what’s important to them: their hobbies, challenges, goals – inside their business in and out.
  • I want to know what this person is like as a human being, what he or she feels strongly about, and what his or her proudest achievements are.
  • Be up to date on what’s happening within the company of a person you want to establish a relationship with. Did the person have a good or bad quarter? Do they have a new product? Trust me, all people naturally care, generally above and beyond anything else, about what it is they do. If you are informed enough to step comfortably into their world and talk knowledgeably, their appreciation will be tangible.
  • As William James wrote: “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
  • Setting out to know someone inevitably means understanding what their problems or needs are.
  • The point is, once you’ve done everything you can to prepare you still have to reach beyond the odd collection of data points that add up to our public identity and to get someone as an individual. Find a way to become part of those things that are of most interest to them, and you will have found a way to become part of their life.
  • During mixers, I like to hang out near the bar.
  • Find a point of common ground that is deeper and richer than what can be discovered in a serendipitous encounter. Armed with knowledge about a person’s passions, needs, or interests, you can do more than connect; you’ll have an opportunity to bond and impress.
  • I never shy away from mentioning the research I’ve done. I always make a special effort to inquire about the people I’d like to meet. Inevitably, people are flattered. Wouldn’t you be? Instantly, the other person knows that rather than suffering through a strained half hour with a stranger, they’re able to connect with someone with whom they share an interest, someone who has gone out of his way to get to know them better.

Chapter 8 – Take Names

  • Establish a 90-day, 1 year, and 3-year goals in the Relationship Action Plan.
  • I mapped out the most important players in both the online and games industries, from CEOs and journalists to programmers and academics. My goal was to get to know almost all of them within a year.
  • Aggregate the people you know and create call sheets by region, listing the people I know and those I want to know. When I’m in a given town, I’ll try to phone as many people as I can.
  • I have lists by geographical location, by industry, by activity (runners).

Chapter 9 – Warming the Cold Call

  • Remember, if you don’t believe you are going to get what you want from the call, you probably won’t.
  • You have to view getting to know new people as a challenge and an opportunity.
  • Cold calls are for suckers. I don’t call cold – ever. I’ve created strategies that ensure every call I make is a warm one.
  • Frequently, people won’t get back to you. You have to put your ego aside and persist in calling or writing. When you finally connect with someone, just dive in as you caught them on the first call (not expressing how annoyed you are for having to reach out multiple times)
  • When I call someone directly whom I haven’t spoken with before, I try to call at an unusual time. Someone who is busy is more likely to pick up their own phone at 8:00 A.M. or 6:30 P.M.
  • I left a message: “I just want to reiterate my excitement regarding our meeting. I’ve never heard John talk so flatteringly of a business associate. I understand how busy you must be. I haven’t heard from your administrative assistant, but I’m sure I will. See you soon.” At no point do you want your interactions to become strained. Creating and maintaining a sense of optimism and gentle pressure around the appointment is all part of the dance.
  • In fifteen seconds, I used my four rules for what I call warm calling:

1) Convey credibility by mentioning a familiar person or institution – in this case, John, Jeff, and WebMD.

2) State your value proposition: Jeff’s new product would help Serge sell his new products.

3) Impart urgency and convenience by being prepared to do whatever it takes whenever it takes to meet the other person on his or her own terms.

4) Be prepared to offer a compromise that secures a definite follow-up at a minimum.

  • Draft off a reference: When you mention someone both of you have in common, all of a sudden, the person you’re calling has an obligation not only to you, but also to the friend or associate you just mentioned.
  • State your value: you’ve got very little time to articulate why that person should not try to get off the phone as quickly as possible. What can you do for them? Selling is solving another person’s problem. And you can only do that once you know what those problems are.
  • Talk a little, say a lot. Make it quick, convenient, and definitive. “We should get together sometime soon. I’m going to be in town next week. How about lunch on Tuesday”

Chapter 10 – Managing the Gatekeeper – Artfully

  • Always respect the gatekeeper’s power. Treat them with the dignity they deserve.
  • Acknowledge their help. Thank them by phone, or with flowers or a note.

Chapter 11 – Never Eat Alone

  • Invisibility is a fate far worse than failure.
  • In building a network, remember: Above all, never, ever disappear.
  • I’m constantly looking to include others in whatever I’m doing. It’s good for them, good for me, and good for everyone to broaden their circle of friends (e.g., workout with potential employees, conduct an interview on a run, ask employees for a car ride to the airport)
  • If I’m meeting someone whom I don’t know that well, I might invite someone I do know just to make sure the meeting does not become a waste of time.

Chapter 12 – Share Your Passions

  • Shared interests are the basic building blocks of any relationship
  • Friendship is created out of the quality of time spent between two people, not the quantity. There is a misconception that to build a bond, two people need to spend a great deal of time together. This is not the case.
  • It’s astonishing how much more you can learn about someone when you are both doing something you enjoy (e.g., working out)
  • Contrary to popular business wisdom, I don’t believe there has to be a rigid line between our private and public lives.
  • Your passions and the events you build around them will create deeper levels of intimacy. List of activities to try: coffee, conferences, invite to share a workout/hobby, meal, special event (book signing), concert, volunteering, entertaining at home.

Chapter 13 – Follow Up or Fail

  • FOLLOW UP IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS IN ANY FIELD
  • Give yourself between 12-24 hours after you meet someone to follow-up.
  • When I leave a meeting, I put the name and email address of the new acquaintance in my contact list and program my calendar to remind me in a month’s time to drop the person another email just to keep in touch.
  • But remember – and this is critical – don’t remind them of what they can do for you, but focus on what you might be able to do for them. It’s about giving them a reason to want to follow up.
  • Another effective way to follow up is to forward relevant articles to the people in your network who might be interested.
  • Other follow up tips:  always express gratitude, include an item of interest from your meeting/conversation, reaffirm commitments you both made, be brief and to the point, timeliness is key.

Chapter 14 – Be a Conference Commando

  • While others quietly sit taking notes, content to sip their free bottled water, successful connectors are setting up one-on-one meetings, organizing dinners, and, in general, making each conference an opportunity to meet people who could change their life.
  • Help the organizer. Better yet, be the organizer.
    • An opportunity for you to come in and help out – and become an insider in the process.
    • Once you’re on the inside, you can find out who will be attending and what the hot events will be. And you’ll find yourself at all those unlisted dinners and cocktail parties that are thrown for the conference poobahs.
    • “I’m really looking forward to the conference you’re putting together. I’m interested in helping make this year the best year ever and I’m willing to devote a chunk of my resources – be it time, creativity, or connections to make this year’s event a smash hit. How can I help?”
  • Listen. Better Yet, Speak: Giving speeches is one of the easiest and most effective ways to get yourself, your business, and your ideas seen, heard of, and remembered.
  • If you take the first step and get to know the organizer, landing a speaking gig isn’t that tough.
  • Organize a conference within a conference. Before the event, I’ll scout out a nice nearby restaurant and send out pre-invites to a private dinner that I’ll host alongside the scheduled affair. This works best at long 3-day conferences.
  • Master the Deep Bump – The two minutes you’re given with someone you’re “bumping into” whom you are looking to meet. Your goal should be to leave the encounter with an invitation to reconnect at a later time.
    • Deep bumps are an effort to quickly make contact, establish enough of a connection to secure the next meeting, and move on.
    • In two minutes, you need to look deeply into the other person’s eyes and heart, listen intently, ask questions that go beyond just business, and reveal a little about yourself in a way that introduces some vulnerability (yes, vulnerability; it’s contagious!) into the interaction. All these things come together to create a genuine connection.
    • Bill Clinton – shakes persons hands with two hands or clasps a person’s elbow to create instantaneous warmth. He’ll make direct eye contact, and, in that feeling moment, ask a personal question or two. His questions always revolved around what the other person was thinking, what was troubling them.
  • Follow up – During speeches, I’ll sit in the back and write follow up emails to the people I just met at the previous break. Everyone you talked with at the conference needs to get an email reminding them of their commitment to talk again.

Chapter 15 – Connecting with Connectors

  • The most important people in our network are those who are acquaintances
  • Strength of weak ties: Your weak ties, on the other hand, generally occupy a very different world than you do. They’re hanging out with different people, often in different worlds, with access to a whole inventory of knowledge and information unavailable to you and your close friends.
  • Restauranteurs: I like to call ahead and ask to speak with the owner (though the maître d’ will do) and tell them that I go out regularly, sometimes in large parties, and I’m looking for a new place to entertain, a lot! Once you get to know the owner, it’ll become like your very own restaurant.
  • Hunt out people who look and act and sound nothing like you do
  • Connect with the connectors

Chapter 16 – Expanding Your Circle

  • The most efficient way to enlarge and tap the full potential of your circle of friends, is, quite simply to connect your circle with someone else’s.
  • If you are sharing someone else’s circle of friends, be sure that you adequately acknowledge the person who ushered you into this new world and do so in all the subsequent connections that they helped foster.
  • Never forget the person who brought you to the dance.

Chapter 17 – The Art of Small Talk

  • The one trait that was common among the class’s most accomplished graduates was “verbal fluency” – not GPA.
  • So, what should your objective be in making small talk? Good question. The goal is simple: Start a conversation, keep it going, create a bond, and leave with the other person thinking, “I dig that person.”
  • When it comes to making an impression, differentiation is the name of the game. Confound expectation. Shake it up. How? There’s one guaranteed way to stand out in the professional world: Be yourself. I believe that vulnerability – yes, vulnerability – is one of the most underappreciated assets in business today.
  • Power, today, comes from sharing information not withholding it.
  • Be honest, open, and vulnerable enough to genuinely allow other people into your life so that they can be vulnerable in return.
  • The best way to become good at small talk is not to talk small at all.
  • Power of non-verbal cues: give a person a hearty smile, maintain good eye contact (70%-100%), unfold your arms and relax, nod your head, and lean in, learn to touch people (their elbow).
  • When meeting someone new, be prepared to have something to say. Keep up with current events. Cultivate some niche interest.
  • In conducting small talk, we should be aware of the different styles at play and adapt to the person we’re talking with.
  • The concept of the Johari Window has helped me become conscious of my need to adapt my conversational approach to each person I want to connect with. One helpful technique I use is to try and envision myself as a mirror to the person with whom I’m speaking. What’s the cadence of their speech? How loudly do they talk? What’s their body language? By adjusting your behavior to mirror the person you are talking to, he’ll automatically feel more comfortable.
  • Make a graceful exit:“there are so many wonderful people here tonight; I’d feel remiss if I didn’t at least try to get to know a few more of them. Would you excuse me for a second?”

Section 3 – Turning Connections into Compatriots

Chapter 18 – Health, Wealth, and Children

  • When meeting someone new, I try to find out what motivations drive that person. It often comes down to one of three things: making money, finding love, or changing the world.
  • The only way to get people to do anything is to recognize their importance and thereby make them feel important. Every person’s deepest lifelong desire is to be significant and to be recognized.
  • Helping someone accomplish his or her deepest desires is critical not only to forming a bond with someone but to keeping that bond strong and growing.
  • When you help someone through a health issue, positively impact someone’s personal wealth, or take a sincere interest in their children, you engender life-bonding loyalty.

Chapter 19 – Social Arbitrage

  • If you want to make friends and get things done, you have to put yourself out to do things for other people – things that require time, energy, and consideration
  • Successful connecting with others is never amount simply getting what you want. It’s about getting what you want and making sure that people who are important to you get what they want first.
  • You can be more successful in two months by becoming really interested in other people’s success than you can in two years trying to get other people interested in your own success.

Chapter 20 – Pinging – All the Time

  • 80 percent of building and maintaining relationships is just staying in touch. I call it “pinging.” It’s a quick, casual greeting.
  • Becoming front and center in someone’s mental Rolodex is contingent on one invaluable little concept: repetition.
  • If you want to transform a contact into a friend, you need a minimum of two face-to-face meetings out of the office.
  • You need to nurture a developing relationship with a phone call or e-mail at least once a month.
  • Personal events like birthdays and anniversaries make a special point to reach out to people during these times.
  • Categorize your relationship action plan into a few categories:  customers, prospects, important business associates (actively involved with or hoping to do business with), and aspirational contacts.
  • Add 1, 2, 3 to each name on the list. 1’s – get contacted at least once a month. 2’s – quarterly call/email. 3’s – acquaintances

Chapter 21 – Find Anchor Tenants and Feed Them

  • Six to ten guests, I’ve found, is the optimal number to invite to a dinner. When someone says they cannot come because of another dinner or engagement, I often suggest they come before the dinner for drinks and appetizers, or even after, for dessert and drinks.
  • Thursdays are wonderful days for dinner parties. It doesn’t cut into people’s weekend plans and yet folks are willing to go a little late knowing that they have only one day left in the work week.
  • Get your invites out early – at least a month in advance.
  • KISS – keep it simple stupid. Good food, good people, lots of wine, good conversation. Always underdress just so no one else feels they did.
  • Don’t seat couples together.
  • Relax: If you’re having fun, odds are that they will too.

Section 4 – Connecting in the Digital Age

Chapter 22 – Tap the Fringe

  • Connect only to people whom you know enough to feel confident introducing them to others in your network.
  • Make at least one quality introduction a month.

Chapter 23 – Become the King of Content

  • Generosity + Vulnerability + Accountability + Candor = Trust

Chapter 24 – Engineering Serendipity

  • Your goal as you move through the world should be to create a force field inside of which people feel safe to play by different rules. Model the traits that support serendipity – curiosity, generosity, passion, and humility.
  • Optimistic mindset – key to being success is to “being open to new things and people”

Section 5 – Trading up and Giving Back

Chapter 25 – Be Interesting

  • “Would I want to spend an hour eating lunch with this person?”  Consultants’ airport question: “If I were trapped in JFK Airport for a few hours, would I want to spend it with this person?”
  • People don’t only hire people they like; they hire people who they think can make them and their companies better.
  • I’d latch on to the latest, most cutting-edge idea in the business world. I’d immerse myself in it, getting to know all the thought leaders pushing the idea and all the literature available. I’d then distill that into a message about the idea’s broader impact to others and how it could be applied in the industry I worked in. That was the content. Becoming an expert was the easy part. I simply did what experts do: I taught, wrote, and spoke about my expertise.
  • How to become an expert:  get out in front and analyze the trends and opportunities on the cutting edge, focus on your strengths (the trick is not to work obsessively on the skills and talents you lack, but to focus and cultivate your strengths so that your weaknesses matter less).

Chapter 26 – Build Your Brand

  • Starting today, you’ve got to figure out what exceptional expertise you’re going to master that will provide real value
  • To become a brand, you’ve got to become relentlessly focused on what you do that adds value. Can you do what you do faster and more efficiently? If so, why not document what it would take to do so and offer it to your boss as something all employees might do? Do your initiative new projects on your own and in your spare time? Do you search out ways to save or make your company more money?

Chapter 27 – Broadcast Your Brand

  • Pick the three most interesting points about your story and make them fast, make them colorful, and make them catchy.

Chapter 28 – Getting Close to Power

  • Start to reach out to important people who can make a difference in your life and the lives of others.
  • The more accomplished the people we associate with, the greater our aspirations become.
  • Power by association – power that arises from being identified with influential people (e.g., personal assistants)
  • Trust is the essential element of mixing with powerful and famous people – trust that you’ll be discreet; trust that you have no ulterior motives behind your approach; trust that you’ll deal with them as people and not as stars; and basically, trust that you feel like a peer who deserves to be engaged as such. The first few moments of an encounter is the litmus test for such a person to size up whether he or she can trust you in these ways or not. They often fret over the fact that their public persona becomes indistinguishable from their private personality. They feel misunderstood and underappreciated for who they really are. To assure them that you’re interested in them for themselves, rather than what the public perceives them to be, stay away from their fame and focus, instead, on their interests.

Chapter 31 – Find Mentors, Find Mentees, Repeat.

  • If you hang with connected people, you’re connected. If you hang out with successful people, you’re more likely to become successful yourself.
  • Finding a talented, experienced mentor who is willing to invest the time and effort to develop you as a person and a professional is far more important than making career decisions based purely on salary and prestige.
  • Two crucial components for mentorship: they offered their guidance, and I promised something in return. A successful mentorship relationship needs equal parts utility and emotion.
  • The best way to approach utility is to give help first, and not ask for it. If there is something whose knowledge you need, find a way to be of use to that person.
  • If you can’t help them specifically, perhaps you can contribute to their charity, company, or community.

Chapter 32 – Balance is B.S.

  • Refrigerator Rights Relationships: How many people can walk into our homes and just open up the fridge and help themselves? You need to feel comfortable walking into someone else’s kitchen and rummage through their fridge without asking.
  • When our lonely lives catch up with us, we turn to self-help literature for answers, but it isn’t self help we need, I’d argue it’s help from others.

Chapter 33 – Welcome to the Connected Age

  • Vipassana can give ourselves the time and space we need to come to a better understanding of who we are and what we really want.

Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey 8/10

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Begin with the end in mind.  Define success for yourself, prioritize your values, and commit to your decisions. Know who you are so you can guide yourself on the right path to hit more greenlights.

EPIGRAPH

  • Sometimes you gotta go back to go forward
  • To see where you came from, where you’ve been, and how you got here

WHAT’S A GREENLIGHT?

  • Greenlights mean go, advance, continue
  • Greenlights can also be disguised as yellow or red lights
  • Sometimes red lights give us what we need
  • Catching greenlights is about skill. We can catch more green lights by simply identifying where the red ones are and changing course to avoid them
    • We can also earn greenlights, engineer, and design for them
  • Catching green lights is also about timing, the world’s timing and ours. It can also be about sheer luck and fate
  • When we accept the outcome of a given situation as inevitable, then how we choose to deal with it is relative
  • The problems we face today eventually turn into blessings in the rearview mirror of life
    • In time, yesterday’s red light leads us to a greenlight

PART ONE: OUTLAW LOGIC: A WEDNESDAY NIGHT, 1974

  • His parents taught him not to hate, not to say I can’t, and to never lie
  • We need discipline, guidelines, context, and responsibility early in any new endeavor
    • It’s the time to sacrifice, to learn, to observe, to take heed
    • Similar to Jocko Willink Discipline = Freedom

PART 2: FIND YOUR FREQUENCY: SPRING 1988

  • Note to self: Process of elimination and identity
  • The first step that leads to our identity in life is usually “I know who I’m not”
  • We should get rid of the excess in our lives that keep us from being more of ourselves
  • Prescribe: Boundaries to freedom
    • We need finites, borders, gravity, shape and resistance to have order
    • This order creates responsibility which creates judgment, which creates choice
    • In the choice lies the freedom, to create the weather that gives us the most favorable win we must remove that which causes the most friction to our core being
    • This process of elimination creates order by default

PART THREE: DIRT ROADS AND AUTOBAHNS: JULY 1989

  • Note to self: When we know what we want to do, knowing when to do it is the hard part. Get them early so you don’t have to get them as often. Prevent before the cure
  • Note to self: One in a row
    • Any success takes one in a row. Do one thing well and then another, over and over until The end
  • “The sooner we become less impressed with our accomplishments and more involved, we get better at them”
    • Appreciate the journey, not the destination; be more involved with our lives and with our relationships

PART FOUR: THE ART OF RUNNING DOWNHILL: JANUARY 1994

  • Note to self: When you can, ask yourself if you want to before you do
    • If you want your jeans pressed, do you want to?
  • Lesson learned: We have to prepare to have freedom
    • We have to do the work to then do the job. We have to prepare for the job so then we can be free to do the work
  • Note to self: We must learn the consequence of negligence
    • It’s not just what we do it’s what we don’t do that’s important as well. We are guilty by omission
  • Note to self: If only
    • It means you wanted something but did not get it. More often than not we don’t get what we want because we quit early or didn’t take the necessary risk to get it
  • Prescribe: A roof is a man-made thing
    • Don’t create imaginary constraints. Or a way to think we don’t deserve these fortunes when they are within our grasp? Who are we to think we haven’t earned them?
  • Prescribe: Why we all need a walkabout (meditate)
    • We are more constantly bombarded by unnatural stimuli. We need to put ourselves in places of decreased sensory input so we can hear the background signals of our psychological processes
  • Note to self: Sometimes we have to leave what we know to find out what we know

PART FIVE: TURN THE PAGE: OCTOBER 23, 1999

  • Note to self: Some people want the AC on in the gym so they won’t sweat. He wears his beanie in July so he will
  • Note to self: Sometimes which choice you make is not as important as making a choice and committing to it
  • Bumper sticker: Some people look for an excuse to do. Others look for an excuse not to do
  • Great leaders are not always in front, they also know who to follow

PART SIX: THE ARROW DOESN’T SEE THE TARGET, THE TARGET DRAWS THE ARROW

  • Note to self: The great man is not all to each. He is each to all
    • The genius can do anything but does one thing at a time
  • “The arrow doesn’t seek the target, the target draws the arrow….sometimes we don’t need to make things happen.”
  • Sometimes, we don’t have to actively search for something or make things happen. Sometimes, we will attract what we need at the right time. Things will happen at the right time, and sometimes good things happen when you stop actively looking for them. Be patient, and put yourself in a position to receive it.
  • I had five things on my proverbial desk to tend to daily: family, foundation, acting, a production company, and a music label. I felt like I was making B’s in all five. By shutting down the production company and the music label, I eliminated two of my five commitments with plans to make A’s in the other three.

PART SEVEN: BE BRAVE, TAKE THE HILL: FALL 2008

  • Prescription: Define success for yourself
  • Continue to ask yourself, what is success to me?
  • Your answer may change over time and that’s OK. But whatever your answer is, don’t choose anything that would jeopardize your soul
  • Prioritize who you are, who you want to be
  • He refused to do romantic comedies and initially turned down a $5M role. The offer went up to $14.5M and still did not budge.

PART EIGHT: LIVE YOUR LEGACY NOW: NOVEMBER 7, 2011

  • We don’t live longer when we try not to die, we live longer when we are too busy living
  • Relatively, we are livin. Life is our résumé. It is our story to tell, and the choices we make write the chapters. Can we live in a way where we look forward to looking back?

“Exactly What to Say” by Phil M Jones 7/10

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Successful people know exactly what to say, how to say it, and how to make it count. A subtle change of words can change the outcome of a whole conversation. Using words that talk straight to the part of the brain that is free from maybes and responds to reflex gives you a fair advantage in conversation and can result in you getting your own way more often.

#1 I’m Not Sure If It’s for You, But

Opening a statement with the words, “I’m not sure if it’s for you,” causes the listener’s subconscious brain to hear, “There’s no pressure here.” By suggesting that they may not be interested, you naturally increase their intrigue. 

The word “but” negates everything that was said prior, so when you say to somebody, “I’m not sure if it’s for you, but…,” what the little voice inside your listener’s head hears is, “You might want to look at this.”

When you say to somebody, “I’m not sure if it’s for you, but.. .,” the little voice inside your listener’s head hears, “You might want to look at this.”

  • “I’m not sure if it’s for you, but would you happen to know someone who is interested in (insert the results or your product or service)”
  • “I’m not sure if it’s for you, but we have plans on Saturday and you’re welcome to join us”

#2 Open-Minded

When introducing a brand-new idea, start with, “How open-minded are you?” This will naturally attract people toward the very thing that you’d like them to support. Everybody wants to be open-minded.

  • How open-minded would you be about trying this as an alternative?
  • Would you be open-minded about giving this a chance?

#4 How Would You Feel If?

The real world tells us that people will work far harder to avoid a potential loss than they will to achieve a potential gain.

By introducing a future scenario with the words, “How would you feel if…?” you allow the other person to time travel to that moment and imagine the emotions that would be triggered at that point.

  • How would you feel if this decision led to your promotion?
  • How would you feel if your competition passed you?
  • How would you feel if you turned this around?

Creating these conditional future scenarios using the words, “How would you feel if…?” gets people excited about their future and gives them a reason to move either toward the good news or away from the bad news.

#6 When Would Be a Good Time?

The preface “When would be a good time to…?” prompts the other person to assume that there will be a good time and that no is not an option. It’s exactly what to say.

  • When would be a good time for you to take a proper look at this?
  • When would be a good time to get started?
  • When would be a good time to speak next?

#8 Simple Swaps

The psychology behind this technique is that it involves turning an open question into a closed one, resulting in you receiving a guaranteed outcome or answer.

A simple change of wording puts you in control. Swap the phrase, “Do you have any questions?” with the improved, “What questions do you have for me?”

“Do you have any questions” implies they should have questions and may make them feel stupid.  It encourages them to go away to think about it.  “What questions do you have for me” promotes an easy response that they have no questions. It means they have made a decision and can avoid the “I need time to think about it” statement.

  • “Can I have your phone number” to “What’s the best number to contact you at”

#9 You Have Three options.

The words, “As I see it, you have three options,” help the other person through the decision-making process and allow you to appear impartial in doing so.

People hate to feel manipulated and nearly always want to feel like they made the final decision. When someone needs help deciding, using these words can help narrow their gaze, reduce their choices and make it easier for them to pick.

Start with, “You have three options”, finish with “What’s going to be easier for you?” and watch people pick the easiest choice they previously found so difficult to make.

#10 Two Types of People

Help people to choose by removing some of the choices and creating easy options. Decisions are easier when the options are polarizing. Your goal is to create a statement that presents choice and then allow the other person to pick.

Asking people to decide for themselves who they are with the Magic Words “two types of people” prompts a near-instant decision. The second someone hears, “There are two types of people in this world,” the little voice in their head immediately wonders which one they are, and they wait with bated breath to hear the choices.

  • There are two types of people in this world: those who resist change in favor of nostalgia and those who move with the times and create a better future.

#11 I Bet You’re a Bit Like Me

“I bet you’re a bit like me” often result in the other person comfortably agreeing with you.

It can help just about anybody agree to just about anything.  It is even more powerful in a conversation with a stranger. 

  • I bet you’re a bit like me: you enjoy working hard now, knowing that it will pay dividends in the future.
  • I bet you’re a bit like me: you’re a busy person who’s always juggling to get everyone done.

#12 If… Then

By creating “if… then” sandwiches, you can position guaranteed outcomes that are very difficult not to believe.

  • If you decide to give this a try, then I promise you won’t be disappointed.
  • If you give me a chance in the role, then I am confident you will thank me later.
  • If you’re prepared to give this a try, then I’m certain you’ll see compound results as early as the first day you try it.

#14 Most People

When you tell people what most people would do, their brain says, “I’m most people, so perhaps that is what I should do too.”

Actually, indecision is the biggest thing that stands in the way of progress, and these words can help jump people out of procrastination in a flash.

  • What most people do is complete the forms with me here today.
  • Most people in your circumstances would grab this opportunity with both hands, knowing that there is almost no risk.

#16 What Happens Next

In consultative discussions, it’s your responsibility to lead the conversation, and following the sharing of the required information, your role is to move it toward a close. You do not ask them what they would like to do; you just tell them what happens next

  • “What happens next is that we are going to take a few moments, complete some of your personal details and get things set up for you to receive everything in the quickest possible time”

#17 What Makes You Say That?

When facing an objection, the worst thing you could do is to respond with a counterargument and make statements to disprove your counterpart’s opinion. Instead, you can tackle each of these common objections effectively by being inquisitive about them and asking a question in the opposite direction.

  • The customer says, “I need to speak to somebody else before I make a decision about this.” You say, “What makes you say that?”
  • The customer says, “I’m really not sure I’ve got the time to fit this in around what I’m doing now.” You say, “What makes you say that?”

This shift of control now leaves the other person obligated to give an answer and fill in the gaps in their previous statement.

#18 Before You Make Up Your Mind

Moving somebody from a “no” to a “yes” is nearly impossible . Before you can move someone to full agreement, your first action is to move them to a position of “maybe.”

  • Look, before you make up your mind, let’s make sure we’ve looked at all the facts.
  • Before you make up your mind, why don’t we just run through the details one more time so you can know what is that you’re saying no to?

#19 If I Can, Will You?

In situations where the prospect pushes back with reasons as to why they cannot do the things you would like them to do, they abdicated responsibility to something out of their control.

You have the power in these situations to remove the barrier by responding with a powerful question that eliminates the other person’s argument.

  • “If I can pick you up and drop you off at home, then will you be able to be ready for seven pm?
  • “If I can match that price for you, then would you be happy to place the order with me today?”
  • When you say it, it communicates the other person you have the intention as well as power to make things work out for both of you.

Wherever You Go, There You Are by Kabat-Zinn Jon (7/10)

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Introduction

  • Meditation is simply about being yourself and knowing something about who that is. It is about coming to realize that you are on a path whether you like it or not, namely, the path that is your life.
  • If what happens now does influence what happens next, then doesn’t it make sense to look around a bit from time to time so that you are more in touch with what is happening now so that you can take with clarity the path that you are actually on and the direction in which you are going?
  • If you do so, maybe you will be in a better position to chart a course for yourself that is truer to your inner being — a soul path, a path with heart, your path with a capital P. The days, months, and years quickly go by unnoticed, unused, and unappreciated.

Part One

What is Mindfulness?

  • Meditation helps us wake up from this sleep of automaticity and unconsciousness, thereby making it possible for us to live our lives with access to the full spectrum of our conscious and unconscious possibilities.
  • Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.
  • If we are not fully present for many of those moments, we may not only miss what is most valuable in our lives but also fail to realize the richness and the depth of our possibilities for growth and transformation.
  • It is a way to take charge of the direction and quality of our own lives.

Stopping

  • But meditation is not just about sitting, either. It is about stopping and being present, that is all.
  • A good way to stop all the doing is to shift into the “being mode” for a moment. Just watch this moment, without trying to change it at all. What is happening? What do you feel? What do you see? What do you hear?
  • The stopping actually makes the going more vivid, richer, and more textured.

This Is It

  • Meditation is the only intentional, systematic human activity which at bottom is about not trying to improve yourself or get anywhere else, but simply to realize where you already are.
  • Non-doing simply means letting things be and allowing them to unfold in their own way. Meditation is synonymous with the practice of non-doing.

You Can’t Stop the Waves, but You Can Learn to Surf

  • Meditation is neither shutting things out nor taking them off. It is seeing things clearly, and deliberately positioning yourself differently in relationship to them.
  • The spirit of mindfulness practice: “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”

Patience

  • Scratch the surface of impatience, and what you will find lying beneath it, subtly or not so subtly, is anger. It’s the strong energy of not wanting things to be the way they are and blaming someone (often yourself) or something for it.

Voluntary Simplicity

  • Voluntary simplicity: intentionally doing only one thing at a time and making sure I am here for it (e.g., taking a walk, spending a few moments with the dog in which I am really with the dog).
  • Voluntary simplicity means going to fewer places in one day rather than more, seeing less so I can see more, doing less so I can do more, and acquiring less so I can have more.

Vision

  • Ask yourself: What is my vision, my map for where I am and where I am going? Does this vision reflect my true values and intentions? Am I remembering to embody those values? Do I practice my intentions? How am I now in my job, in my family, in my relationships, with myself? How do I want to be? How might I live my vision, and my values? How do I relate to suffering, both my own and others?

Practice as a Path

  • In Buddhism, meditation practice is usually spoken of as a path — the path of mindfulness, the path of right understanding, the path of the wheel of truth.
  • It is useful at times to admit to yourself that you don’t know your way and to be open to help from unexpected places.

Part Two

Sitting Meditation

  • Sitting meditation involves sitting in an upright, dignified posture.
  • Start with your breathing, feeling it as it moves in and out.

What to Do with Your Hands

  • Try sitting with your hand’s palms down on your knees. This posture speaks of not looking for anything more, but simply digesting what is.
  • If you then turn both palms up, being mindful as you do it, you may note a change in energy in the body. Sitting this way embodies receptivity, an openness to what is above, to the energy of the heavens.

Coming Out of Meditation

  • If you can detect the very first impulse to quit, breathe with it for a few moments, and ask yourself, “Who has had enough?”
  • Try looking into what is behind the impulse. Is it fatigue, boredom, pain, impatience; or is it just time to stop?
  • Whatever the case, rather than automatically leaping up or moving on, try lingering with whatever arises out of this inquiry, breathing with it for a few moments or even longer.

How Long to Practice?

  • We went with forty – five minutes as the basic required practice time at home every day.
  • The sincerity of your effort matters far more than elapsed time since we are really talking about stepping out of minutes and hours and into moments, which are truly dimensionless and therefore infinite. So, if you have some motivation to practice even a little, that is what is important.

No Right Way

  • TRY: Being aware of all the times in meditation when the thought comes up: “Am I doing this right?” “Is this what I should be feeling?” “Is this what is ‘supposed’ to happen?”
  • Instead of trying to answer these questions, just look more deeply into the present moment. Expand your awareness in this very moment. Trust that in this moment, “This is it,” whatever and wherever “this” is.

The Mountain Meditation

  • Think of yourself as a mountain. Invoking qualities of elevation, massiveness, majesty, unmovingness, and rootedness, helps bring these qualities directly into posture and attitude.
  • Bring the mountain into your own body and the mountain become one. Your head becomes the lofty peak; your shoulders and arms the sides of the mountain; your buttocks and legs the solid base.
  • Our thoughts and feelings, emotional storms and crises, the things that happen to us are much like the weather on the mountain. We tend to take it personally, but its strongest characteristic is impersonal. The weather of our own lives is not to be ignored or denied. It is to be encountered, honored, felt, known for what it is, and held in high awareness since it can kill us.

The Lake Meditation

  • Practice using the lake image in your meditation, picture a lake. The lake you invoke may be deep or shallow, blue, or green, muddy, or clear.
  • With no wind, the surface of the lake is flat. Mirrorlike, it reflects trees, rocks, sky, and clouds, and holds everything in itself momentarily. Wind stirs up waves on the lake, from ripples to chop. Clear reflections disappear.
  • Experience the moments of complete stillness when both reflection and water are completely clear, and other moments when the surface is disturbed, choppy, stirred up, reflections and depth lost for a time.

Walking Meditation

  • Walking is just as good as sitting.
  • You can focus on the footfall as a whole; isolated segments of the motion such as shifting, moving, placing, shifting; or on the whole body moving. You can couple an awareness of walking with an awareness of breathing.
  • You are not walking to get anyplace. Usually, it is just back and forth in a lane, or round and round in a loop. Literally having no place to go makes it easier to be where you are. The challenge is, can you be fully with this step, with this breath?
  • Good places are your living room, fields, or a clearing in the woods; isolated beaches are good, too.
  • If you find yourself rushing or becoming impatient, slowing the pace can help take the edge off your rushing and remind you that you are here now and that when you get there, you will be there.

Lying-Down Meditation

  • When your body is lying down, you can really let the whole of it go much more easily than you can in any other posture. This is a profound letting go at the level of your muscles and the motor neurons which govern them. The mind quickly follows if you give it permission to stay open and wakeful.
  • Just being low down in a room tends to clear the mind. Maybe it’s because being on the floor is so foreign to us that it breaks up our habitual neurological patterning and invites us to enter into this moment through a sudden opening in what we might call the body door.

Not Practicing Is Practicing

  • Forgetting or neglecting to be mindful can teach you a lot more than just being mindful all the time.

Loving Kindness Meditation

  • Start by centering yourself in your posture and in your breathing. Then, from your heart or from your belly, invite feelings or images of kindness and love to radiate until they fill your whole being.
  • You can also take the practice further. Having established a radiant center in your being, you can let loving kindness radiate outwardly and direct it wherever you like. You might first direct it toward the members of your immediate family. If you have children, hold them in your mind’s eye and in your heart, visualizing their essential selves, wishing them well, that they not suffer needlessly, that they come to know their true way in the world, that they may experience love and acceptance in life. And then including, as you go along, a partner, spouse, siblings, parents ….

Part Three

Early Morning

  • The peacefulness, the darkness, the dawn, the stillness — all contribute to making early morning a special time for mindfulness practice.

Going Upstairs

  • Also, try being present for things like taking a shower, or eating. When you are in the shower, are you really in the shower? Do you feel the water on your skin, or are you someplace else, lost in thought, missing the shower altogether?

What Is My Job on the Planet with a Capital J?

  • “What is my job on the planet with a capital J?”, or “What do I care about so much that I would pay to do it?”
  • It may not mean that you will change what you do, but it may mean that you may want to change how you see it or hold it, and perhaps how you do

Cat-Food Lessons

  • Observe the ways in which your feelings are creations of your mind’s view of things, and that maybe that view is not complete.

Parenting as Practice

  • Parenting is a mirror that forces you to look at yourself. If you can learn from what you observe, you just may have a chance to keep growing yourself.
  • TRY: If you are a parent or grandparent, try seeing the children as your teachers. Observe them in silence sometimes. Listen more carefully to them. Read their body language. Assess their self – esteem by watching how they carry themselves, what they draw, what they see, how they behave. What are their needs at this moment? At this time in their day? At this stage in their lives?
  • Ask yourself, “How can I help them right now?” Then follow what your heart tells you. And remember, advice is probably the last thing that will be useful in most situations, unless it is just the right moment for it, and you are very sensitive to the timing and how you frame things. Just being centered yourself, fully present and open and available, is a great gift for them. And mindful hugging doesn’t hurt, either.

Parenting Two

  • The best way to impart wisdom, meditation, or anything else to your children, especially when they are young, is to live it yourself, embody what you most want to impart, and keep your mouth shut.
  • If you are devoted to your own meditation practice, they will come to know it and see it, and accept it as a matter of fact, as part of life, a normal activity.

Afterword

  • Perhaps people recognize in the title the calling to wake up to our experience while we have the chance, and how easy it is to sleepwalk through and therefore miss much of our life, telling ourselves nice stories of who we are and where we are going, along the way to some deluded fantasy we may never reach and might never recover from were we to arrive.

“Brain Rules for Baby” by John Medina 6/10

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Introduction

  • Myth: Continually telling your children they are smart will boost their confidence. Truth: They’ll become less willing to work on challenging problems. If you want your baby to get into a great college, praise his or her effort instead.
  • Myth: Children somehow find their own happiness. Truth: The greatest predictor of happiness is having friends. How do you make and keep friends? By being good at deciphering nonverbal communication. Learning a musical instrument boosts the ability by 50 percent. Text messaging may destroy it.

pregnancy

  • Don’t waste your money on products claiming to improve a preborn baby’s IQ, temperament, or personality. None of them have been proven to work.
  • In the second half of pregnancy, babies begin to perceive and process a great deal of sensory information/sounds. They can even smell the perfume you wear.
  • Four things proven to help baby’s brain
  • 1. Gain just the right weight
    • Brain volume is related to birth weight, which means that, to a point, larger babies are smarter babies. The increase slows as the baby reaches 6.5 pounds: There is only 1 IQ point difference between a 6.5 – pounder and a 7.5 – pounder.
  • 2. Eat just the right foods
    • Only two supplements have enough data to support an influence on brain development in utero: folic acid and omega – 3 fatty acids.
  • 3. Avoid too much stress
    • If you are severely stressed during pregnancy, it can create irritable babies and lower IQs
  • 4. Exercise just the right amount
    • Fit women have to push less fit mothers also tend to give birth to smarter babies than obese mothers
    • What is the proper balance? Four words: moderate, regular aerobic exercise.

relationship

  • Hostility between parents can harm a newborn’s developing brain and nervous system
    • Sustained exposure to hostility can erode a baby’s IQ and ability to handle stress, sometimes dramatically. An infant’s need for caregiver stability is so strong, he will rewire his developing nervous system depending upon the turbulence he perceives.
    • Marital conflict is fully capable of hurting a baby’s brain development.
    • Babies in emotionally unstable homes are much less able to regulate their own emotions.
    • Parents who practice reconciling with each other after a fight, deliberately and explicitly, allow their children to model both how to fight fair and how to make-up.
  • The four most common sources of marital turbulence are sleep loss, social isolation, unequal distribution of household workload, and depression.
    • Sleep loss alone can predict most of the increases in hostile interactions between new parents
    • Loneliness is experienced by as many as 80% of new parents.
    • Household duties increase three times as much for women as for men when baby comes home. The lack of contribution is so great that having a husband around actually creates an extra seven hours of work per week for women.
    • Depression: babies can mirror the mother’s depressive actions. These children become more insecure, socially inhibited, timid, and passive.

How to protect your relationship

  • Start morning and afternoon inquiries – check-in twice ad ay (see how the day is progressing).
  • Schedule sex regularly.  Try incorporating spontaneous sex and maintenance sex
  • Regularly practice the empathy reflex. As your first response to any emotional situation, execute two simple steps:
    • 1. Describe the emotional changes you think you see
    • 2. Make a guess as where those emotional changes came from.
  • Balance the workload
  • In Gottman’s studies, if the wife felt she was being heard by her husband — to the point that he accepted her good influence on his behavior — the marriage was essentially divorce – proof.  If that empathy trafficking was absent, the marriage foundered. One of the reason empathy works so well is because it does not require a solution.  It only requires understanding.
  • “Empathy not only matters; it is the foundation of effective parenting.”

smart baby: seeds

  • There are aspects of your child’s intelligence about which you can do nothing; the genetic contribution is about 50 percent.
  • IQ is related to several important childhood outcomes, but it is only one measure of intellectual ability.
  • Intelligence has many ingredients, including self – control, creativity, communication skills, and a desire to explore.
  • Five Ingredients of Intelligence
  • 1. The desire to explore
  • 2. Self-control
    • Executive function controls planning, foresight, problem solving, and goal setting. It engages many parts of the brain, including a short – term form of memory called working memory.
    • Executive function is a better predictor of academic success than IQ.
  • 3. Creativity
    • Creativity has a few core components: the ability to perceive new relationships between old things, to conjure up ideas or things or whatever that do not currently exist.
  • 4. Verbal communication
    • Foreign Languages: Need social interaction through a real live person to speak the language directly to the child. If the child’s brain detects this social interaction, its neurons will begin recording the second language, phonemes and all.
  • 5. Interpreting nonverbal communication
    • Learning sign language may boost cognition by 50 percentKids with normal hearing took an American Sign Language class for nine months, in the first grade, then were administered a series of cognitive tests. Their attentional focus, spatial abilities, memory, and visual discrimination scores improved dramatically — by as much as 50 percent — compared with controls who had no formal instruction.
    • Babies need face time (help learn micro-expressions)
  •  Innovators 5 DNA characteristics
  • 1. An unusual ability to associate. They could see connections between concepts, problems, or questions not obvious to others.
  • 2. An annoying habit of consistently asking “what if.” And “why not” and “how come you’re doing it this way.”
  • 3. An unquenchable desire to tinker and experiment.
  • 4. They were great at a specific kind of networking. Successful entrepreneurs were attracted to smart people whose educational backgrounds were very different from their own.
  • 5. They closely observed the details of other people’s behaviors.

smart baby: soil

  • What helps early learning: breast – feeding, talking to your children — a lot, guided play every day, and praising effort rather than intelligence.
  • What hurts early learning: overexposure to television (keep the TV off before age 2), a sedentary lifestyle, and limited face – to – face interaction.
  • Pressuring children to learn a subject before their brains are ready is only harmful.
  • There are four nutrients you will want in your behavioral formula, adjusting them as your baby gets older: breast – feeding, talking to your baby, guided play, and praising effort rather than accomplishment.
  • The brain is interested in surviving. Every ability in our intellectual tool kit was engineered to escape extinction. Learning exists only to serve the requirements of this primal goal.
    • If you want a well – educated child, you must create an environment of safety.
  • Four brain boosters
  • 1. Breast – feed for a year
  • 2. Talk to your baby — a lot
    • The more parents talk to their children, even in the earliest moments of life, the better their kids’ linguistic abilities become and the faster that improvement is achieved.
    • You can reinforce language skills through interaction: looking at your infant; imitating his vocalizations, laughter, and facial expressions; rewarding her language attempts with heightened attention.
  • 3. Guided Play
    • Kids allowed a specific type of open – ended playtime were:
      • More creative.Better at language.Better at problem solving.Less stressed.Better at memory.More socially skilled.
    • Design your place space for creativity: Legos, sandboxes, jigsaw puzzles, building blocks, dress up clothes, crafts, boxes, and space for interaction with other kids. These data flatly state that emotional regulation — reining in impulses — predicts better cognitive performance. That’s a bombshell of an idea.

4. Praise effort, not IQ

  • What separates high performers from low performers is deliberate practice.
  • Kids praised for effort complete 50 percent more hard math problems than kids praised for intelligence
  • What happens when you say, “You’re so smart”
    • First, your child begins to perceive mistakes as failures. Because you told her that success was due to some static ability over which she had no control, she starts to think of failure (such as a bad grade) as a static thing, too — now perceived as a lack of ability. Successes are thought of as gifts rather than the governable product of effort.
    • Second, perhaps as a reaction to the first, she becomes more concerned with looking smart than with actually learning something.
    • Third, she becomes less willing to confront the reasons behind any deficiencies, less willing to make an effort. Such kids have a difficult time admitting
  • What to say instead: “You really worked hard”
    • “I’m so proud of you. You must have studied a lot.” This appeals to controllable effort. It’s called “growth mindset” praise.
  • The fact is the amount of TV a child should watch before the age of 2 is zero.
  • TV also poisons attention spans and the ability to focus, a classic hallmark of executive function. For each additional hour of TV watched by a child under the age of 3, the likelihood of an attentional problem by age 7 increased by about 10 percent.
  • After age 5, some television shows improve brain performance (e.g. interactive types).
    • Recommendations: Help your children choose the shows they will experience (favor intelligent interaction). Watch the show with your children and help your children analyze and think critically about what they just experienced.
  • Exercise — especially aerobic exercise — is fantastic for the brain, increasing executive function scores anywhere from 50 percent to 100 percent.
  • Fit kids score higher on executive function tests than sedentary controls, and those scores remain as long as the exercise does. The best results accrue, by the way, if you do the exercises with your children.
  • Hyper – parenting can actually hurt your child’s intellectual development in several ways:
  • Extreme expectations stunt higher – level thinking
  • Pressure can extinguish curiosity
  • Continual anger or disappointment becomes toxic stress
    • Pushy parents often become disappointed, displeased, or angry when their kids don’t perform.
    • Can create a psychological state called learned helplessness, which can physically damage a child’s brain. The child learns he can’t control the negative stimuli (the parent’s anger or disappointment) coming at him or the situations that cause it. Think of a third – grade boy who comes home from school every night to a drunken dad, who then beats him up. The little guy has to have a home, but it is awful to have a home. He will get the message that there is no way out, and eventually he will not try to escape, even if a way later presents itself. That’s why it is called learned helplessness.

happy baby: seeds

  • The single best predictor of happiness? Having friends
  • Other behaviors that predict happiness
    • Steady dose of altruistic acts
    • Making lists of things for which you are grateful
    • Sharing novel experiences with a loved one
    • Deploying a ready “forgiveness reflex” when loved ones slight you
  • Two of the most predictive for social competency/make friends:
    • emotional regulation: Individuals who are thoughtful, kind, sensitive, outward focused, accommodating, and forgiving have deeper, more lasting friendships, and lower divorce rates than people who are moody, impulsive, rude, self-centered, inflexible, and vindictive.
    • Empathy: if your marriage has a 3:1 ratio of active-constructive versus toxic-conflict interactions, your relationship is nearly divorce-proof. The best marriages have a ratio of 5:1.
  • Jerome Kagan noticed highly reactive children (introverts) were more academically successful, made lots of friends, and were less likely to experiment with drugs, get pregnant, or drive recklessly.
  • Children who grow up without parental support, or children who have cold and distant parents, often feel deeply insecure and act out in an effort to gain attention.

happy baby: soil

  • Your infant needs you to watch, listen, and respond.
    • “Interaction synchrony.” Attentive, patient interactivity actually helps your baby’s neural architecture develop in a positive way, tilting her toward emotional stability.
    • Kids who don’t experience synchronous interaction don’t grow up to be as happy and exhibit more than twice the emotional conflict in their interpersonal lives as do securely attached infants. They show less empathy and tend to be more irritable. They also get the poorest grades.
  • How you deal with the emotional lives of your children has the greatest predictive power over your baby’s future happiness: your ability to detect, react to, promote, and provide instruction about emotional regulation.

6 Key Parenting Tips:

  1. A demanding but warm parenting style
    • These parents are demanding, but they care a great deal about their kids. They explain their rules and encourage their children to state their reactions to them. They encourage high levels of independence, yet see that children comply with family values. These parents tend to have terrific communication skills with their children.
  2. Comfort with your own emotions
    • You have to be comfortable with your emotions in order to make your kids comfortable with theirs.
  3. Tracking your child’s emotions
    • Balanced emotional surveillance –parents know when their kids were happy, sad, fearful, or joyful, often without asking).  They can forecast their reactions to almost any situation and didn’t pay too much attention (feeling smothered).
  4. Verbalizing emotions
    • Labeling emotions calms big feelings.  E.g. “We have a word for this feeling. It’s …”
    • Practice verbalizing your feelings – be a great role model for your children.
  5. Running toward emotions
    • Parents do not judge emotions.
    • Parents acknowledge the emotions.
    • Parents know that behavior is a choice, even though an emotion is not. (e.g. parents have a list of approved/disapproved actions, not emotions – can be mad, but not hit).
    • Parents see a crisis as a teachable moment.
  6. Two tons of empathy
    • Describe the emotion you think you see and make a guess as to where it came from
    • The more empathy your child sees, the more socially competent he’ll become, and the happier he’ll be.
  7. Acknowledge, name, and empathize with emotions. Save judgment for any unacceptable behavior arising from emotions.

moral baby

  • Your child has an innate sense of right and wrong.
  • In the brain, regions that process emotions and regions that guide decision making work together to mediate moral awareness. Lose emotions and you lose decision making.
  • How parents handle rules is key: 1. realistic, clear expectations; consistent, 2. swift consequences for rule violations; and 3. Praise good behavior
  • Children are most likely to internalize moral behavior if parents explain why a rule and its consequences exist.
  1. Clear Expectations (CAP):
    • Clarity: Create physical chart with rules and expectations written right on it.
    • Accepting: Don’t yell at your kids. Need calm and measured response to get behavior change.
    • Praise: You can increase the frequency of a desired behavior if you reinforce the behavior. Praising the absence of a bad behavior is just as important as praising the presence of good one.

2. Swift punishment

  • How do we correct any behavior we don’t like — and get the child to internalize the change? Discipline.
  • Punishment by application – Letting them make mistakes (play in snow without socks and shoes)
  • Punishment by removal – Taking away the toys

Four Effective Guidelines to Punishment

  1. It must be punishment.  Punishment should be firm.  This does NOT mean child abuse.
  2. It must be consistent. The punishment must be administered consistently — every time the rule is broken. (e.g. every time you put your hand on a hot stove, you get burned)
  3. It must be swift: The closer the punishment is to the point of infraction, the faster the learning becomes.
  4. It must be emotionally safe. The punishment must be administered in the warm atmosphere of emotional safety. If the kids don’t feel safe, the previous three ingredients are useless. They may even be harmful.

3. Rules that are explained

  • Parents who provide clear, consistent boundaries whose reasons are always explained generally produce moral kids.
  • E.g: “Don’t touch the dog, or you’ll get a time – out. The dog has a bad temper, and I don’t want you to get bitten.”
  • Spanking causes more behavioral problems than other types of punishment, producing more aggressive, more depressed, more anxious children with lower IQs.

sleepy baby

  • Having a consistent bedtime routine around 6 months improves baby sleep
  • Create a series of predictable bedtime rituals. These rituals can be almost anything, from singing favorite lullabies to turning all the lights in the house down low.
  • Nighttime Attachment Parenting (NAP) or Crying It Out (CIO) has pros and cons. 
  • When it comes to NAP/co – sleeping, studies have found that co – sleeping babies cry less. However, studies also have found that both parent and infant sleep more poorly, with more interruptions per unit of time for each.

Conclusion

  • The first theme is empathy. Empathy is enabled by the ability to understand someone else’s motivations and behaviors, as this little girl did:
  • The answer is the second central theme of this book. What you should pay attention to are your child’s emotions.
    • We talked about how strong emotional regulation actually improves a child’s academic performance.
    • That’s because it improves executive – function behaviors such as impulse control and planning for the future, which in turn affects grades.
    • Emotional regulation also predicts a child’s future happiness, a notion developed in the Happy chapters.
    • Be willing to enter into your child’s world on a regular basis and to empathize with what your child is feeling.

practical tips

  • Reading for Game Time— digital games are off – limits except for one condition. Children can “buy” a certain amount time from the time spent reading an actual book. Every hour spent reading could purchase a certain amount of game time.
  • Instruments, singing, whatever — make music a consistent part of your child’s experience. Long – term musical exposure has been shown to greatly aid a child’s perception of others’ emotions.

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