Empty your mind. Be formless, shapeless, like water. You put water into a cup; it becomes the cup. You put water into a teapot; it becomes a teapot. You put it into a bottle; it becomes the bottle. Now water can flow, or it can crash! Be water my friend.
Chapter 1: The Water Way
“Water, the softest substance in the world, which could be contained in the smallest jar, only seemed weak. In reality, it could penetrate the hardest substances in the world. That was it! I wanted to be like the nature of water.”
“Using no way as way, having no limitation as limitation.” – the very essence of water – ever finding its own path without limit.
Water is unstoppable. It will carve canyons into mountains over centuries.
Chapter 2: The Empty Cup
“Empty your mind” – this first request is perhaps the most important one in our process because it sets us up for everything that comes next. My father believed that this act – of leaving behind the burdens of one’s preconceived opinions and conclusions – had in itself a liberating power. If this step is the only one you actively work on for a while, you will expand your life considerably.
Emptying your mind does not mean forgetting everything you’ve ever learned or giving up everything you believe. What it means is that you should try to meet each conversation, each interaction, and each experience with a willingness to consider something new without the burden of your judgment in the process. You must give up everything you think you know and believe, for just an instant, in order to fully experience that which you are encountering in the present moment.
No judgment – instead of weighing everything good or bad, right or wrong, as it is happening, become a fully sensing organism so that you may see and encounter the experience with your whole being.
“Who is there that can make muddy waters clear? But if allowed to remain still, it will become clear of itself. Who is there that can secure a state of absolute repose? But keep calm and let time go on, and the state of repose will gradually arrest.”
Chapter 3: The Eternal Student
“Each man must seek out realization himself. No master can give it to him.”
My father never wanted to be called a master. He said, “Once you say you’ve reached the top, then there is nowhere to go but down.” Instead, he considered himself to be the eternal student – always open to new ideas, new possibilities, new directions, and new growth.
One of the core mandates of jeet kune do and my father’s life was this process:
Research your own experience. Reject what is useless. Accept what is useful. And add what is essentially your own.
My father would say it’s not what you think but how you think that’s important. The “what” will become quickly influenced when the “how” is directed in the proper direction.
“We shall find the truth when we examine the problem. The problem is never apart from the answer; the problem is the answer.”
E.g., 3 + x = 10; need the answer to solve x
My father would encourage us, as we sit with our problems, “to be alert, to question, to find out, to listen, to understand, and to be open.” This is a great checklist for ourselves. Was I paying attention? Did I ask all the questions? Did I find out the answers? Was I listening? Do I understand what happened? Was I open to the whole experience?
My father would caution us not to work for information, but to “work for understanding,” for “it’s not how much you learn but how much you absorb in from what you learn.”
Chapter 4: The Opponent
To learn and to grow, you need a relationship. You need that sparring partner to level up your game. There is no one better than the person standing before you at any given moment to help you see yourself more clearly. Someone who is there, whether they know it or not and whether you’ve known it or not, to show you where the pain points are, to show you how to be better and how to shine your light more brightly.
The Six Diseases to Avoid (these diseases rely on competition, which is typically where we go in a relationship the moment any discord pops up. When we relate to others in these ways, we are disconnecting from them > there is no relationship, no collaboration, and no co-creation. There is only the winner and the loser.
The desire for victory: I have to be the winner. If I don’t win, I’m a loser. If I win, everyone else is a loser.
The desire to resort to technical cunning: I rely on the power of my wits to show you how great I am. Who cares about people or their feelings as long as everyone can see how clever I am?
The desire to display all that has been learned: Check me out. I know lots of things. I can speak at length about anything. It doesn’t matter what anyone else has to say (especially if it’s dumb).
The desire to awe the enemy: I am a force to be reckoned with. Look out! I will wow you to get your approval even if I have to do something shocking and wild to get your attention.
The desire to play the passive role: I am so easy to get along with. Who wouldn’t like me? I am so unobtrusive and sweet. I will put anything that’s important to me aside to make sure you see how likable and wonderful I am. How could you not like me when I sacrificed everything just for you.
The desire to rid oneself of whatever disease one is affected by: I am not okay as I am. I will perform constant self-work and read as many books as I can and take so many classes to make myself good that you will see that I am always trying to be a good person even if I continue to do lots of shitty things. I know I’m not okay as I am. And I know you know that I know I’m not okay as I am, which makes it okay not to get truly better as long as it looks like I’m trying.
Can you recognize any of these in yourself? These diseases are traps. They will keep your success always outside of yourself and out of your hands as you chase victory and validation through the eyes of someone else.
Chapter 5: The Tools (for transformation and growth)
I fear not the man who has practiced ten thousand kicks once. But I fear the man who has practiced one kick ten thousand times.
Tool #1 – Take Aim: Clarity of purpose is important not only because it helps us to move decisively forward with a plan of action, but because when obstacles come, you will need the intensity and clarity of your soul’s purpose to keep you from getting lost in the difficulties you encounter.
Tool #2 – Take Action: One mantra of Bruce was, “Be a practical dreamer backed by action.”
Tool #3 – Affirm: Write affirmations in a way that frames them as something you are in the process of, so that they feel more possible and more aligned with where you are now. So instead of “I am strong and fit,” you could write, “I am working every day to be strong and fit.”
Tool #4 – Be Symbolic: Have a constant reminder of what you want to be (e.g., a wedding ring or post-it notes with keywords of your affirmations)
Tool #5 – Journal: write positive thoughts – what you want, value, believe, wish for, what you’re learning, discovering, and dreaming about. Work to understand what matters to you and create a personal vision for yourself. Ask yourself questions and try to answer them.
Tool #6 – Get physical
Chapter 6: The Obstacle
It’s not a shame to be knocked down. The important thing is to ask when you’re being knocked down, “Why am I being knocked down?” If a person can reflect this way, then there is hope for this person. Defeat is a state of mind; no one is ever defeated until defeat has been accepted as a reality. To me, defeat in anything is merely temporary and its punishment is but an urge for me to exert greater effort to achieve my goal. Defeat simply tells me that something is wrong in my doing; it is a path leading to success and truth.
If you think a thing is impossible, you’ll make it impossible. Pessimism blunts the tools you need to succeed.
You are the creator and interpreter of your life in every moment. Things have meaning to you because you give them that meaning – no one else.
Chapter 7:The Rainstorm
“The medicine for my suffering I had within me from the very beginning, but I did not take it. My ailment came from within myself, but I did not observe it until this moment. Now I see that I will never find the light unless, like the candle, I am my own fuel, consuming myself.”
The Eightfold Path (to get out of a tough time)
Right View – You must see clearly what is wrong; understand the problem
Right Purpose – Decide to be cured; decide to make a change
Right Speech – Speak so as to aim at being cured; positive self-talk/affirmations
Right Conduct – You must act
Right Livelihood – Your livelihood must not conflict with your therapy; don’t let others stand in your way (bad habits, toxic environments, negative relationships)
Right Effort – The therapy must go forward at the “staying speed”; trust the process
Right Awareness – You must feel it and think about it incessantly; stay focused
Right Meditation – Learn how to contemplate with a deep mind.
Chapter 8: The Living Void
The first level of awareness is to release you from the prison of your inherently dualistic thoughts – good/bad, right/wrong and to simply see things as they are without attachment. There is really nothing to try to do but accept, acknowledge, and sense everything that comes up moment to moment, including any residence you may feel.
4 Stages of Cultivation: Path from unconscious to conscious and then to the void (which is both conscious and unconscious)
Stage 1: Partiality – “the running to extreme” – no awareness to thoughts, emotions, and actions. Perceive things in good/bad, right/wrong. Unconscious living.
Stage 2: Fluidity – “the two halves of one whole” – acknowledge that you have a lot to learn and begin to work on ourselves. Self Aware.
Stage 3: Emptiness – “the formless form” – we and the void are one. The ability to make the right move in a split second without going through the process of thinking. Act on intuition.
Rather than trying to be more, aim to be less.“Be simply simple – likea sculptor building a statue, not by adding, but by hacking away the unessential so that the truth will be revealed unobstructed.”
When Bruce had an idea, he went immediately to the execution of that idea. Now, of course, not all ideas are good ideas, but you have to get the good ones faster if you move through the bad ones faster. The goal is not to fail; the goal is to fail faster so that the lessons from the failures can be implemented and lead you to success more quickly.
Chapter 9: The Way of the Intercepting Fist
Stage 4 of Cultivation: Jeet Kune Do – requires you to be the quintessential version of yourselves. Only Bruce Less could be his fourth stage, and only you can be yours.
This fourth stage of cultivation is all you – you are the expression of your life, of your heart, of your soul.
Don’t put all your focus and energy into your career so that one day you will be content and happy. Work on being content and happy and bring that into your career and the rest of your life.
This is what the journey is leading toward: the understanding that the greatest possible expression we can have, and the greatest growth and impact, stems from the very root of our being.
Chapter 10:My Friend
How we treat everyone is how we treat everyone. Be kind to all people – don’t be kind to just the “good people” and bad to the “bad people.”
If we are willing to treat some people with disdain, then we are willing to treat the people we care about with disdain.
Give people the benefit of the doubt, treat them with compassion, accept them for who they are, and live and let live while being the light and the model for what is it to be strongly and unapologetically kind.
“I don’t know what is the meaning of death, but I am not afraid to die. And I go on, non-stop, going forward, even though I, Bruce Lee, may die some day without fulfilling all of my ambitions, I will have no regrets I did what I wanted to do and what I’ve done, I’ve done with sincerity and to the best of my ability. You can’t expect more from life.”
Chapter 1 – Helping children deal with their feelings – Children Need to Have Their Feelings Accepted and Respected
Actions:
Listen quietly and with full attention
Acknowledge their feelings with a word: “Oh…”, “Mmm…”, “I see…”
Instead of questions or advice, just listen. It’s hard for a child to think clearly or constructively when someone is question, blaming, or advising them.
Give their feelings a name: “That sounds frustrating”
The child who hears the words for what she is experiencing is deeply comforted. Someone has acknowledged her inner experience.
Give them their wishes in fantasy: “I wish I could make the banana ripe right now for you”
Tips:
How to deal with extremely upset kids – physical activity can help
Draw their feelings – “show me how angry you are.” “You really are angry. Show me more.”
Match your response with the emotion of your child (don’t over do it and don’t under do it)
Don’t repeat the insult – Children don’t appreciate having the names they call themselves repeated by their parents – dump, ugly, stupid, etc. – “Oh, so you think you’re dumb? or You’re not ugly”
Wish list – create a wish list (write it down/type it up) to acknowledge their wants
For some, Mom/Dad’s presence is comfort enough (just a nice long hug)
Don’t use “but” – negates the items you just said earlier. Use “The problem is…” or “Even though you know…”
Original: I know how much you hate having a babysitter, but I need to go to work.
Revised: I know how much you hate having a babysitter. The problem is that I need to go to work.
How to deal with “I hate you” or something else you didn’t like – “I didn’t like what I just heard. If you’re angry about something, tell it to me in another way. Then maybe I can be helpful.”
Children usually object when their exact words are repeated back to them (like a parrot)
Child: I don’t like David anymore
You: You don’t like David anymore
Child: (with annoyance) That’s what I just said
Chapter 2: Engaging cooperation:
Actions:
Describe the problem: “There’s a wet towel on the bed” vs. “You put the bed on the towel” or “Whydid you pull the towel on the bed” (accusation – defense mode)
When you describe a problem, it gives children a chance to tell themselves what to do
Give information: “The towel is making the bed wet”
Information is a lot easier to take than accusation
Say it with a word: “Towel!”
Less is more – no lectures, sermons, long explanations
Describe what you feel: “I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed”
Children are entitled to hear their parent’s honest feelings. By describing how we feel, we can be genuine without being harmful
Write a note:(above towel rack) Please put me back so I can dry. Thanks, Towel”
Tips:
Questions to ask yourself to get through to kids:
Does my request make sense in terms of my child’s age and ability? (Am I expecting an 8-year-old to have perfect table manners?)
Can I give her a choice aboutwhen to do something rather than now? (Do you want to take your bath before or after TV)
Can I offer a choice abouthow something is done? (Do you want to take your bath with your whale or shark)
Are most of my moments with my child spent asking him to “do things” or am I taking out some time to be alone with him – just to “be together”?
One word caution – don’t use your kids name as your one-word statement – can be associated with disapproval
Be Playful – put underwear on head or socks on hands or invent cavity monsters to encourage brushing. Give inanimate objects a voice/personality. Can we clean up before the song ends?
Chapter 3: Alternatives to punishment:
Actions:
Express strong disapproval – without attacking the child’s character: “I’m furious that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain!”
State your expectations: “I expect my tools to be returned after they’ve been borrowed”
Show the child how to make amends: “What this saw needs now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease”
Give them a choice: “You can borrow my tools and return them, or you can give up the privilege of using them. You decide”
Take action – let them experience the consequences:
Child: Why is the toolbox locked?
Father: You tell me?
Problem solve: “What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that I’ll be sure they’re there when I need them?”
Steps to problem solve:
Talk about the child’s feelings: “I imagine you must be feeling…”
Talk about your feelings: “Here’s how I feel about it.” Bebrief
Invite the child to work on finding a mutually acceptable solution – write all options (no judgment)
Decide which ideas you like, which you don’t like, and which ideas you want to put into action
Follow through
Don’t permit the child to blame or accuse you at any point
Tips:
Don’t try to find out who did it – focus on taking responsibility/solving the problem
“I’m not interested in knowing who did it. I’m not interested in blaming anyone for what happened in the past. I am interested in seeing improvement in the future!”
Problem Solve:
“Kids – this is a tough problem, but I have confidence that you two can put your heads together and come up with a solution that you can both agree to”
Narrate/Describe the situation – sometimes kids just want to be heard.
“I see you have a problem. Vince, you want to ride your tricycle. Derek, you want to ride Vince’s tricycle and he doesn’t want you to. I think you should try to find a solution to the problem that would be acceptable to both of you.”
How to deal with an “I’m sorry” with no change – say to the repeat offender:
“Sorry means behaving differently”
“Sorry means making changes”
“I’m glad to hear your sorry. That’s the first step. The second step is to ask yourself what can be done about it.”
Problem Solving 2.0
Be on your child’s side. Acknowledge their feelings
Problem solve. Consider everything (list all options)
Be your child’s advocate. Communicate with the teacher when homework gets overwhelming. Don’t worry about other people’s kids.
Chapter 4: Encouraging autonomy
Actions:
Let them make choices: Do you want to wear your blue or black pants?
Show respect for a child’s struggle: “Putting your shoes on can take a lot of work”
Don’t just say “It’s easy” – if they succeed, he feels he didn’t accomplish anything. If he fails, then he’s failed at something simple. Needs to feel pride of having done something difficult and if he fails, he knows that his task was a tough one.
If kids are struggling, give useful information by saying: “sometimes it helps by…”
Don’t ask too many questions: “Hi, I’m glad to see you” “Welcome home” “I’d love to hear about your class trip when you’re ready to talk about it.” “I’m interested to hear how your presentation went. Come tell me about it when you’re in the mood.”
Children will talk about what they want to talk about when they want to talk about it.
Don’t ask – did you have fun today? May feel he will let parents down if they don’t have fun.
Don’t rush to answer questions: encourage the child to come up with an answer
Use Socratic method – what do you think? Repeat the question.
Encourage the child to use resources outside the home
Dentist, school, an older child can be called upon to help them with their problem.
Don’t take away hope: “So you want to try out for the school play, that will be an experience”
Don’t protect them from disappointment – we limit them from hoping, striving, dreaming, and sometimes achieving their dreams.
Tips:
More ways to encourage autonomy
Let Him Own His Own Body – let them wipe their face clean
Don’t talk about a child in front him – no matter how young the child!
Let a child answer for himself: “Vince can tell you”
Show respect for your child’s eventual readiness: “One of these days, you’ll use the bathroom like Mommy and Daddy.”
Alternatives to “No” – example: Child: Can I play now? Instead of “No, we have to eat”
Give information/describe the problem (and leave the No out):
Say: “We’re having dinner in 5 minutes”
Accept Feelings
Say “It’s hard to leave a place you enjoy so much. We’ll come back next time.”
When possible, substitute a “yes” for a “no”
Instead of “No, you have to eat lunch” Say: “yes – after lunch you can play”
Give yourself time to think: “Let me think about it”
Chapter 5: Praise
Actions:
Instead of evaluating like using words – good, great, fantastic:
Describe what you see
Instead of “Wow, that’s great” say “I like the colors you’ve used, and the lines are very neat” or “I see a tidy room, with the bed made”
I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books neatly lined up on the shelf.
Describe how you feel
“It’s a pleasure to walk into this room”
Sum up the behavior with a word
“You shared with you brother, that’s what I call generous”
Tips:
Make sure your praise is appropriate for your child’s age and level of ability – brushing teeth for a 3-year-old vs. 10-year-old
Don’t say I’m Proud of You – shifts emphasis from them to you – say instead “What an achievement! You must be so proud of yourself”
Be proactive with praise – look for something good – anything positive and comment on it.
Don’t say: “If you’re good, I’ll…” Say – “It’d be helpful to me if…” and when they do something helpful, describe it back to them.
Don’t praise by comparison – may end up resentful in their relationship as siblings
Original: “You got your shoes tied without any help. The baby can’t do that”
Revised: “Look at what a big girl you are tying your shoes without help! I know who’s going to teach Baby Derek when he is ready for his big boy shoes.”
Avoid the kind of praise that hints at past weaknesses or past failures
“I never thought you would pass the course, but you did.” Say – I know you put a lot of work and effort to pass that course
Be prepared for a lot of repetition of that same activity when you describe what a child is doing appreciatively.
Don’t say: you have big climbing muscles if you don’t want them climbing to the top of the jungle gym
Chapter 6: Free children from playing roles
Actions:
Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of themselves “You’ve had that toy since you were 3 and it looks just like new”
Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently. (greedy) “Tommy, please divide these peanuts so that each person gets a fair share”
Let the child hear you say something positive about them: (crybaby)“Mom, you should have seen your grandson, he held his arm and got his shots like a brave kid”
Model the behavior you would like to see: “It’s hard to lose, but I’ll try to be a sport about it. Congratulations!”
Be a storehouse for your child’s special moments: “I remember the time you…”
When your child acts according to the old label, state your feelings/expectations: (Sore Loser):“I don’t like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect sportsmanship out of you.
How can your whole life change in a day? By having a baby! This obviously wasn’t out of the blue – we have been anticipating this day for 9 months. There were two different due dates – the original date was 7/20/17 and an updated date was 7/17/17 based on the growth of the baby.
On our July 14th visit to the OB-GYN, the pregnancy was going well and doctor asked us if we would like to have my wife’s membraned stripped. This would naturally induce my wife and the baby would arrive between the time she stripped the membrane to about 2 days later. There would be some pain for my wife, but the OB-GYN assured us that there is no additional benefit of having the child in the womb after 39 weeks (babies are normally expected to be in the womb for 40 weeks). After some deliberation, we didn’t feel comfortable (and ready) to check him out of Hotel Uterus prematurely. We decided to let nature take its course. Knowing that this was likely our last weekend as a couple, we enjoyed a nice dinner out in the city and slept in to enjoy 8+ hours of consecutive sleep!
As the 17th came and past, my wife was ready to get this parasite out of her! The swelling in her legs, feet, and hands made it unbearable and uncomfortable. As the summer heat rose to the high 80’s and low 90s, so did our anxiety levels. We looked into various old wives tales to try and have a natural induction – exercise, eating spicy foods, sex, riding over railroad tracks, eating fresh pineapple – the list goes on!
There are 3 stages of labor:
Early Labor, Active Labor, Transition
A. Early Labor – contractions are occurring, but at irregular intervals. The cervix is beginning to open and dilate.
Active Labor – contractions are five minutes apart or less, last at least a minute, and for at least one hour (5-1-1) and are stronger.
Transition – contractions may be 1-3 minutes apart and may last 60-90 seconds. This is the likely the most painful process of labor, but the shortest.
Pushing and Birth – typically lasts 15 minutes to 3+ hours and contractions come every 3-5 minutes for 60-90 seconds.
Delivery of the Placenta – the placenta leaves the uterus and is pushed out, which takes 5-20 minutes.
Stage 1 – Early Labor
On the morning of the 19th, my wife began to have contractions at 2:30AM in the morning. She tried to sleep it off, but the contractions were uncomfortable and we were both awake after an hour. I was ecstatic to hear the news and rushed to get our hospital carry-on bag ready (+ exercise ball, pillow, cameras, car seat, etc.) and tidied up the house!
The labor process actually takes a long time, so we tried to sleep during the early labor phase. We both couldn’t get much sleep afterwards, because I was really excited and she was uncomfortable from the contractions. By morning, the contractions became more consistent, but so did the pain. Frequent backrubs around the spine and lower back were essential to counteract the pressure from the baby.
Stage 1 – Active Labor
We went into active labor around noon and tried to stay as long as we could at home. After eating lunch, we went to the hospital at 1:30pm as my wife’s father came by help take care of our dog while were in the hospital.
The check-in process took half an hour – there were 3 people in front of us. Once we were in the waiting room, there were also another handful of people there, although half of them looked like they weren’t even 6 months pregnant. The half an hour felt like eternity as the contractions were coming strong. After the people in front of us were admitted, we finally went into the triage room too.
One thing that was interesting was that they took my wife aside and asked her if everything was okay in the household and if it was okay if I was in the room with her. This just made me realize the society that we live in today.
Once we got into the room, it was a shared with another lady. It was cramped with our carry-on suitcase, exercise ball, and car seat. The bed looked like one of those of a stretcher from the back of an ambulance. We couldn’t lower it enough to make my wife get in and out easily. It was uncomfortable to say the least. The room had a chair for one visitor and a TV with cable, but we had no interest in watching TV. I set the ambiance by playing current pop songs performed by a piano on YouTube.
A baby heart monitor was strapped around my wife around her belly and it showed a consistent rate of 145-150 – perfect! The monitor kept moving around as we moved in and out of the bed to alleviate the pain of the contractions. My wife was screaming for me to give as many upper and lower back rubs to offset the pain. With each backrub, I began to read positive birthing affirmations to my wife.
Some of my favorite affirmations:
I am deserving of an easy, uncomplicated birth
The strength of my uterine contractions is a sign of my feminine strength
I trust in my ability to birth my baby
The power and intensity of my contractions cannot be stronger than me, because it is me
I will breathe slowly and deeply to relax my muscles and bring oxygen to our baby
Relax, breathe, open
I am completely relaxed and comfortable
Everything is going right
I have grown this baby; I will push him out
At this point of the labor, our progression slowed down because we were pretty much bedridden and tied to the monitor. The key to a quick labor process is to keep moving as much as you can.
Stage 1 – Transition
By 4:30pm, we saw the doctor and they said that my wife was 7cm dilated! 10cm is when you can start pushing the baby. We advanced to the next step of labor and were escorted into the birthing room. At this point, we asked about an epidural. We still had the option to get one (we were afraid it would too late), but decided to continue with the natural process. Dilating the cervix is supposed to be one of the longest and painful parts of labor. The midwife advised the nurse to pre-emptively provide a bag of fluid to prevent her blood pressure from dropping if we were to get an epidural later on.
Painful contractions occurred for hours. I kept repeating those affirmations during the backrubs, while we listened to the soothing ambiance: “The power and intensity of my contractions cannot be stronger than me, because it is me; Relax, Breathe, Open”. The contractions forced her to the bed to deal with the pain. I was concerned that her water didn’t break yet at this point – it should’ve broke by now.
By 7:00pm, the midwife and nurses switched their shifts. The new midwife came by around and recommended that we get out of the bed, do some squats and sit on the exercise ball to help move the baby down. When the pain was too much to squat, we swayed our hips to spell our names and slow danced side to side to the music.
Stage 2 – Pushing and Birth
Drops started to come down her leg! After a few more squats, whoosh! A trickle of water came flowing down her legs and onto the floor. We passed this major hurdle and we were ready to start actively pushing as my wife’s pain was a 10 out of 10 around 8:30pm.
No epidural. We’ve made it this far without one – why start now? The second stage is supposed to be faster than the first stage anyways! After going through the pain so far, she decided she could handle the remainder. With each contraction, we tried to get three good pushes that lasted 10 seconds each. The contractions were now coming pretty frequently 3-5 minutes. We tried many different angles to push – on her side, on her back, and squatting using a bar. The most effective pushes were when she was on her side/back.
I could see his hair after 1-1.5 hours of pushing (we figured he would be a hairy baby since my wife’s belly was extremely itchy during pregnancy)! However, we hit a wall. The baby wasn’t breeched, but it appears that he was coming sunny-side up (face towards the belly instead of the spine) and this is not the optimal way for delivery. “When was the last time you peed?” asked the midwife. We couldn’t remember. The bag of fluids collected into her bladder and she didn’t have the urge to pee during labor. With the help of a catheter, she emptied out 700mLs! That’s almost a bottle of wine.
We were making better progress once the bladder was emptied and my sister in law arrived around 9:30pm. My wife was on her back as her sister and I held each leg up and brought it as close to her shoulders. Her head was tucked in close to her chest. My sister in law and I counted “1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10!” The midwife assisted the pathway for the baby by widening the gap. I could see the crown of his head! “Relax, breathe, open; I have grown this baby; I will push him out”
After the 2.5 hour mark, the midwife began to worry if we may need some assistance bringing the baby into the world. Forceps, vacuum, or a c-section were mentioned. My wife was getting exhausted. She’s been up since 2:30am and it was 10:30pm. My wife asked how she was pushing for, but I didn’t want to tell her. I needed her to focus on how much more had to do and not focus on how much she had done. Her mind would confirm how tired she was and wouldn’t have the energy to finish labor.
The pain was now at 12 out of 10 on the pain scale. We opted for Pitocin to help stimulate her contractions and increase the frequency before we even thought of any other assistance. I told my wife that we’re not getting a c-section. We have come so far and that is not an option. We are pushing this baby out now and today. I promised her the best sushi meal that she’s ever had once she delivered the baby and she can tell everyone we know about how she did an amazing and incredible job of pushing this baby without an epidural. We were both tired and hungry, but adrenaline was keeping us going.
The Pitocin kicked in and contractions were coming much quicker. As the contractions were building up, my wife was giving it all she had. I can remember her stern face of determination, eyes closed, teeth clenching, and grunting each push. Blood vessels in her face started to pop. The baby’s head was coming out more and more. We continued to count “1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10!” as we held her legs back.
The first push in the contraction was always great, but I could see him slip back before we pushed the second time. One more complicating matter was the fact that they strapped on a heart rate baby monitor again. It was constantly falling out and needed to be readjusted, but left little to no room before the next contraction came. His heart rate maintained a consistent 145-150 – perfectly fine.
I could see the midwife and nurses were getting the equipment ready for delivery. They set up a plastic bag underneath to catch the blood runout. Medical devices, cord clamping, gauzes were being lined up on the metal tray. I kept telling my wife – you’re so close – it’s going to happen in the next three contractions! When we moved her legs up, I could see the baby sliding out even before we started to push.
I don’t remember it clearly, but I remember hearing the cries from the baby. His head was finally out! The midwife told Tina to relax for a minute. Once ready, with the next push, his whole body gushed out! The nurse cleaned off the vernix/fluids off of him and put him skin to skin on my wife’s chest. My wife had a let out a huge sigh of relief. Tears were rolling down my face – words can’t describe that feeling. Our lives just changed forever in that instance.
Stage 3 – Delivery of the Placenta
I don’t really remember too much of this stage. I was admiring our son for the very first time. A few things that I noticed:
He came out with a cone shaped head after being in the pelvis for three hours! It would go back to normal after a day or two.
He had a huge head of hair that was 1.5-2 inches long and hair all around his back and shoulders.
There was also a big Mongolian spot (bruise) on his lower back and butt cheeks.
I counted the number of fingers and toe. 10 of each!
His fingernails were surprisingly long!
The APGAR score, which measures the overall condition of the baby in terms of: heart rate, respiratory effort, muscle tone, response to stimulation, and skin coloration were measured. He got an 8 to 9 on the scale out of a possible 10. He was already making me a proud Asian dad. The only item that was a major concern was the coloration of his skin, which was a grayish/blue color in his extremities.
After the delayed cord clamping, I cut the umbilical cord. They gave me an inch of room to cut and I ceremoniously detached the baby from mom. It felt like cutting through a rubbery hose.
My wife pushed out the placenta and the rest of the amniotic sac, which looked huge. I don’t know how people can eat that. She ended up having a slight tear, which required one stitch. There were sharp stings of pain from the needle and thread and it took about 10 minutes to stitch her back up. She was exhausted mentally and physically. Her arms, shoulders, back, and legs were aching. Ice packs were used to help alleviate some of the pain between her legs.
I tried to focus her attention on the baby and avoid thinking about the pain down there. Who did he look like more? Me or my wife. He definitely has my wife’s nose and maybe my eyes. One of the key things we needed to decide was his name. We wanted to see him before we chose his official name.
Conclusion
In the end, Vincent came out at 11:35pm, weighting in at 7 lbs 8 oz, and a length of 20 inches. I thought the hard part was over, but after a grueling labor process, we had to take care of him afterwards as he slept beside us!
We immediately fell in love with him and so begins a new chapter in our journey together as a family.
My name is Rich and this is my personal blog with the goal to document the methods that I’ve been trying to become a better and happier person in my life. This is a journey that I have embarked on since the beginning of 2017. I am attempting to inspire others to achieve happiness, either financially, emotionally, or spiritually.
My Father
I do believe there is a ying and yang with everything in life. In order to feel happiness, you need to feel sadness. On November 22nd, 2016, my father passed away from ongoing symptoms of pneumonia and flu. This was nearly a two year battle that started in January 2015. I remember the last time that I saw him fully healthy. We were having a family dinner in Chinatown with my dad, mom, and wife, which we routinely did each month. My wife and I were getting over a cold, but decided to meet with my parents.
A few days after dinner, he called me one night and said that he couldn’t breathe. I was a bit skeptical as my father was very anxious about his health at times. He had a liver transplant in 2008 and he took his new liver well with his medications. The medications often had side affects that increased his anxiety about his health. Overall, he was a healthy man that was very independent and active in the Chinese Senior Association.
Later that night, he went into the emergency room and they gave him some antibiotics after they determined he had pneumonia and the flu. He was eventually discharged as his symptoms cleared. However, within the next few days, he pneumonia returned and again, rushed back into the emergency room. After a bit longer stay, they again discharged him once his symptoms went away.
Medical Intensive Care Unit (MICU)
After about a week or two, he went into the emergency room. But this time, he would ultimately be in the Medical Intensive Care Unit (MICU) for a 40-50 day stay. This was a horrific ordeal for our family – to see my healthy father become dependent on life support. He was on a breathing machine to assist with his breathing. The doctors gave him a 50/50 chance to survive as they couldn’t diagnosis the exact cause for his condition (cryptogenic organizing pneumonia aka COP was the official diagnosis) and treatments were complicated due to his liver transplant, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) from his days of smoking, chronic myeloid leukemia (CML), and a pacemaker.
My father is a fighter and battled his way back. He was able to come off of life support, but was so frail and lost over 20-25% of his body weight (and he was a small guy to begin with – 125-130 lbs). He spent the next 5-6 months in a long term acute care hospital (LTAC), where we continued to make an effort to visit him every day. It was a painful process where any progress he made was matched with setbacks. Everytime he took one step forward, he took two steps back. It wasn’t until mid-August 2015 until he was able to come home.
The Return Home
Although he returned home, he was not the same man. Breathing is one thing that we all take for granted. The way to understand his condition was imagining like you’re drowning and grasping for air constantly, but never getting enough. You have this hunger for oxygen that you can never satisfy.
My father always had a healthy appetite and could eat more than I could, but things were hard to swallow and he was never hungry. Things he loved to eat tasted different and food was always so salty. He never regained the weight he lost. His body was working so hard to breathe and his muscles were so debilitated for being bedridden for so long, he could never eat as many calories as he burned.
Deja Vu
Winter came again and our biggest fear came true: the pneumonia resurfaced and we repeated the same process again in early 2016. This stay was less intense, however, and he was only in the MICU for a 2-3 weeks and less time on life support. We went through the same ordeal – weaning him off the life support, gaining his strength back, moving him to an LTAC to rehab him back home. This went on for a few more times in the 1st half of 2016.
My father was rushed into the hospital in July 2016 after discovering a high levels of xxx in his blood results. It appears that his CML had blast crisis. This was a major blow. CML is usually a manageable disease by taking some prescribed medications. Unfortunately, those medications were known to have side effects (Gleevac) with the lungs and he ultimately stopped taking them. Once you cross the line with CML and go into blast crisis, there is no turning back. Life expectancies drop significantly and most patients have 2-3 months to live at most.
Our Options
Bone Marrow Transplant – chances of my frail father surviving a transplant were slim and not guaranteed to fully work and could have difficulty finding a suitable donor.
Chemotherapy – this would delay the CML from progressing, but would only temporarily help. The expectation of patients would be to obtain a bone marrow transplant.
Experimental clinical trial studies – this would require us driving from Philadelphia to NY and try very early stages of clinical trials, of which, my father may not even be a candidate due to his frail condition.
We opted for the chemotherapy, where he would get injections for 7-10 days and require to come back to the hospital for blood work at least twice a week, with the likelihood that one of his visits required a blood transfusion. The blood transfusions helped my father with his energy and breathing, but he had issues early on due to transfusion associated circulatory overload (TACO). Again, we had frequent trips to the emergency room as he constantly felt a shortness of breath and weakness from the treatments.
First round of chemotherapy worked well. The cancer regressed and we were hopeful that this could possibly work out. Second round didn’t have as promising results as the first. It also came with other consequences. The chemotherapy not only clears out all the cancer cells, but also the good cells in the body. He began complaining of a fever and shortness of breath. This was the final straw for my father. His body was so deconditioned from the pneumonia, flu, loss of muscle and weight, and now the blast crisis.
The Last Few Days
After finishing the Philly Half Marathon, I decided to visit his hospital room afterwards to tell him about the great race I just had. As I entered the room, he was squirming on his bed, eyes glazed back, and grasping for air. I immediately signaled a nurse and ultimately found myself in a 30-60 minute ordeal where they had a rapid response team stabilize him and intubate him on life support.
My father woke up and was extubated, but this was for the last time. His body could take no more. It could not keep pace with the heart and mind to continue living. It was only a matter of days before my dad passed away. We were fortunate to be able to say our goodbyes and tell him that we loved him, we thanked him for all the sacrifices he made, and we had a great life together within our means.
It was okay for him to move on. He saw his two children get married and got to see one grandchild. He has suffered for so long and was a medical success story to battle for as long as he did.
The Journey to Happiness
This was a long winded way to say that for every stimulus in our lives, we have a choice of how we will respond, a lesson learned from Stephen Covey’s book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People“. My father had a choice to battle back and constantly fought until the very end. Time is our most important asset in life. The dying would pay any amount to get an extra week, month, or year.
My response to the death of my father is to ensure that I live the remaining days of my life to the fullest and respect that time that I have here on this earth. I am in the pursuit of happiness in all aspects of my life – financially, emotionally, and spiritually.
