Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High 2nd Edition (10/10)

By Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler

Chapter 1: What’s a Crucial Conversation?

Crucial Conversation: A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong.

How We Typically Handle Crucial Conversations:  Most people tend to do one of three things when faced with a crucial conversation: avoid it, handle it poorly, or handle it well.

Unfortunately, many people avoid crucial conversations altogether because of the fear of confrontation or escalation. Others may handle them poorly due to a lack of communication skills, leading to defensiveness, arguments, or misunderstandings.

The key skill of effective leaders, teammates, parents, and loved ones is the capacity to skillfully address emotional, and politically risky issues.

Chapter 2: Mastering Crucial Conversations

Fool’s Choice: a common mistake that we are forced into an either/or decision when it comes to speaking up:

• Either we speak up and potentially cause conflict or hurt feelings,
• Or we remain silent to keep the peace, but fail to address the issue or problem.

You don’t have to choose between being honest and being effective. Skilled communicators understand that it’s possible to speak honestly while also maintaining respect and fostering positive relationships.

Dialogue: the free flow of meaning between two or more people.

• When it comes to risky, controversial and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open.
• At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information. People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories. They willingly and capably share their views, even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular.

Filling The Pool of Shared Meaning: Represents the collective understanding of everyone involved in the conversation.

• When two or more of us enter crucial conversations, we don’t share the same pool. Our opinions differ. I believe one thing; you another.
• People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool.
• The more ideas, opinions, and perspectives that are shared openly, the larger and richer the pool becomes.
• The larger the shared pool, the smarter the decision.
• When people openly and freely share ideas, the increased time investment is more than offset by the quality of the decision.
• Not only does a shared pool help individuals make better choices, but since the meaning is shared, people willingly act on whatever decisions they make – with both unity and conviction.  People are more committed to decisions when they understand all perspectives and reasoning behind them.
• The time you spend up front establishing a shared pool of meaning is more than paid for by faster, more unified, and more committed action later on.

Chapter 3: Start with Heart: How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want

Start with Heart

• This is the first principle of dialogue. If you can’t get yourself right, you’ll have a hard time getting dialogue right.
• People who are best at dialogue understand this simple fact and turn it into the principle “Work on me first, us second.” They realize not only that they are likely to benefit by improving their own approach, but also that they’re the only person they can work on anyway.
• Start with Heart means 1. Knowing what you really want from the conversation, both for yourself and the other patty and 2. Skilled people don’t make the Fool’s Choice (either/or choices)
• People often enter conversations with the wrong motives, such as wanting to win an argument, save face, or punish the other person. These motives prevent meaningful dialogue.
• Winning: This particular dialogue killer sits at the top of many of our lists. The desire to win is continually driving us away from healthy dialogue.

Step 1: Refocusing on What You Really Want

A critical technique in this chapter is learning to refocus on what you truly want. When conversations go off track, you should stop and ask yourself these key questions:

• What do I really want for myself?
• What do I really want for others?
• What do I really want for this relationship?

Once you’ve asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling question: How would I behave if I really wanted these results?

Asking these questions serves two importance purposes: 1. It reminds us of our goal. 2. It juices up our brain in a way that helps us keep focused (so you can control your emotions and stay in the conversation without resorting to aggressive or defensive behaviors)

Step 2: Refuse the Fools Choice

People believe they only have two options (either/or): be honest and hurt the relationship, or be silent and preserve the relationship. This is a false dichotomy.  You can find ways to express yourself honestly while also maintaining respect and keeping the conversation safe for the other person.

Ask: What do I want for myself, the other person, and the relationship?

Search for the Elusive And

• First, clarify what you really want
• Second, clarify what you don’t really want
• Third, present your brain with a more complex problem. Finally, combine the two into an “and” question that forces you to search for more creative and productive options than silence and violence.
  
  

Chapter 4: Learn to Look: How to Notice When Safety Is at Risk

Learning to Look: You should pay attention to both the content of the conversation (what people are saying) and the conditions under which the conversation is happening (how people are reacting).

Learn to Spot Crucial Conversations: Being able to notice when a conversation turns from a casual discussion to a crucial conversation is a key skill. The sooner you realize that the conversation is becoming emotionally charged or that safety is at risk, the sooner you can intervene to keep the dialogue productive.

Two Crucial Questions:

To monitor whether a conversation is staying on track, ask yourself two key questions:

1. “Am I or others moving toward silence or violence?” – This helps you detect whether someone is withdrawing from the conversation (silence) or becoming aggressive and confrontational (violence).
2. “Is safety at risk?” – When people don’t feel safe, they often resort to silence or violence as coping mechanisms. When safety is compromised, people stop sharing their thoughts openly, and dialogue breaks down.
   1. When it’s safe, you can say anything
   1. If you can learn to see when people start to feel unsafe, you can take action to fix it. That means the first challenge is to simply see and understand that safety is at risk
   1. People feel safe receiving feedback because you believe the other person had your best interest in mind and trusted the motives and ability of the other person

Recognizing Silence and Violence:

Silence: Behaviors like withholding information, avoiding difficult topics, or refusing to engage in the conversation. Silence can take the form of:

• Masking: Sugarcoating the message or downplaying it.
• Avoiding: Steering clear of sensitive topics.
• Withdrawing: Completely disengaging from the conversation.

Violence: Forcing your opinions on others through aggressive speech, sarcasm, or intimidation. Violence can take the form of:

• Controlling: Forcing views on others by cutting them off, overstating your arguments, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the conversation.
• Labeling: Stereotyping or dismissing others with generalized labels.
• Attacking: Insulting or belittling others to push your viewpoint.

Spotting the Conditions:

In addition to paying attention to what is being said, it’s important to observe how people are behaving. Notice their body language, tone of voice, and any signs of discomfort or frustration (e.g. arms crossed, avoids eye contact, or uses sarcastic remarks).

Maintaining Awareness of Yourself and Others:

Often, people are so focused on making their point that they fail to notice when others are shutting down or becoming defensive.

Regularly check in on yourself during a conversation, asking: “Am I moving toward silence or violence?” By monitoring your own behavior, you can ensure that you’re not contributing to a breakdown in dialogue.

Once you’ve recognized that safety is at risk, the next step is to take action to restore it. This may involve stepping back from the content of the conversation and addressing the conditions first. For example, you might say: “I notice that we’re both getting a little worked up. Let’s take a step back and make sure we’re both feeling comfortable sharing our views.”

Chapter 5: Make It Safe: How to Make It Safe to Talk About Almost Anything

The Two Conditions of Safety:

1. Mutual Purpose: This means that everyone involved in the conversation believes that you are working toward a common goal. They need to feel that you care about their concerns, interests, and desires. If people suspect that you have a hidden agenda or are solely pursuing your own interests, safety is compromised.

Crucial Questions to ask if Mutual Purpose is at risk:

• Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation?
• Do they trust my motives?

• Mutual Respect: This means maintaining a level of respect for everyone involved, even when you disagree. If people sense that they are being disrespected, they will withdraw or become defensive, and dialogue will break down.

Crucial Questions to ask if Mutual Respect is at risk:

• Do others believe I respect them?

How to Restore Mutual Purpose:

Apologize When Appropriate: If you’ve said or done something that has compromised safety, offer a sincere apology. Acknowledge your mistake and show that you care about the other person’s feelings. You have to give up saving face, being right, or winning in order to focus on what you really want.

Contrast to Fix Misunderstandings: Contrasting is a tool for clarifying what you don’t mean and then explaining what you do mean.

• Address other’s concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (the don’t part)
• Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do part)
• For example, if someone thinks you are questioning their competence, you might say, “I’m not suggesting that you’re not capable; I’m just concerned about the deadline.”
• The don’t is the most important because it deals with the misunderstanding that has put safety at risk.

Create a Mutual Purpose: When the conversation gets stuck, you may need to step back and find a purpose that everyone can agree on. Ask questions like, “What is it that we both want to achieve here?” or “What do you need from this discussion?” By working together to identify a common goal, you can re-align the conversation and restore safety.

CRIB to Get to Mutual Purpose:

C – Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose: Let the other person know that you want to find a solution that works for both of you. This shows that you’re open to hearing their perspective and finding a way forward together.

R – Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy: Explore the underlying purpose behind each person’s stance. Often, people become stuck on specific strategies rather than focusing on the deeper needs and desires driving those strategies. Ask: “Why do you want that?”

I – Invent a Mutual Purpose: If you can’t find common ground initially, work together to create a new purpose that aligns with both of your goals.

B – Brainstorm New Strategies: Once you have established a mutual purpose, brainstorm ways to achieve it. This collaborative approach helps to move the conversation forward and ensures that everyone’s concerns are addressed.

Chapter 6: Master My Stories: How to Stay in Dialogue When You’re Angry, Scared, or Hurt

The Path to Action:

See and Hear: The raw facts and observable data from the situation.

Tell a Story: We interpret these facts and data, creating a story about what we think is happening. Our stories explain the facts but often involve assumptions, judgments, and even biases.

Feel: The story we tell ourselves leads to an emotional response. For example, if we tell ourselves a story that someone is disrespecting us, we may feel angry or hurt.

Act: Our emotions then drive our actions. When we’re angry, we might respond aggressively or with sarcasm. When we’re hurt, we might withdraw or go silent.

Our actions are driven not directly by the facts of the situation, but by the stories we tell ourselves about those facts. By recognizing this, we can change our emotional responses by changing the stories we create.

Stories Drive Our Emotions:

• Stories are the root of our emotions. The stories we tell ourselves—about what others’ actions mean, their intentions, or our own worth—are what cause us to feel angry, scared, or hurt.
• These stories are often incomplete or inaccurate because they are built on assumptions and past experiences rather than the full set of facts.
• The first step to regaining emotional control is to challenge the illusion that what you’re feeling is the only right emotion under the circumstances. This may be the hardest step, but it’s also the most important.

Don’t confuse stories with facts.

• Facts are concrete, observable events (e.g., “He arrived ten minutes late to the meeting”). Stories are our interpretations and judgments of those facts (e.g., “He doesn’t care about this project”). Confusing the two can lead to inaccurate assumptions and emotional reactions.
• By distinguishing between facts and stories, you can avoid jumping to conclusions and instead approach the conversation with a more open and curious mindset.

Three Clever Stories:

Three common types of stories that people tell themselves when conversations turn crucial:

• The Victim Story: This story focuses on how we are innocent and powerless, portraying ourselves as the victims of someone else’s actions. It allows us to avoid our role/responsibility for the situation and reinforces our feelings of injustice or hurt.
• The Villain Story: In this story, we demonize others, exaggerating their negative traits or intentions. By blaming others and painting them as villains, we justify our own reactions and avoid seeing their perspective.
• The Helpless Story: This story tells us that we have no control and that nothing can be done. It allows us to avoid taking action by convincing ourselves that any effort would be futile.

These stories distort reality, excuse our own bad behavior, and prevent productive dialogue. They need to be challenged and replaced with more balanced and constructive narratives.

Taking Control of Your Stories:

To change your emotions and stay in dialogue, you need to master your stories by questioning and challenging them. Asking yourself the following key questions:

• “What am I pretending not to know about my role in the problem?” – This question helps you take responsibility for your actions and avoid the victim story.
• “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?” – This question helps you see the other person’s actions in a more charitable light and dismantles the villain story.
• “What do I really want?” (For me? For others? For the relationship?)– Refocusing on your true goals helps you avoid the helpless story and look for constructive ways to achieve what you want.

Tell the Rest of the Story:

To create a more balanced and accurate view of the situation, re-tell the story by looking at the facts from a neutral perspective, considering your own role in the problem, and exploring alternative explanations for the other person’s behavior.

Chapter 7: STATE My Path: How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively

STATE provides a step-by-step approach to express your views in a way that minimizes defensiveness and encourages open dialogue:

S – Share Your Facts: Start by sharing the facts of the situation. Facts are the least controversial, the most persuasive, objective, observable, and less likely to provoke an emotional reaction.  Sharing facts first establishes a common ground before moving on to potentially more subjective interpretations.

• For example, instead of saying, “You never respect my time,” you might say, “You’ve been late to the last three meetings.”

T – Tell Your Story: After stating the facts, share your interpretation or story. Explain how you are making sense of the facts. This step acknowledges that your story is just your perspective and opens the door for others to share theirs. It’s important to frame this as your perspective, not an absolute truth. Using phrases like “I’m beginning to think…” or “The way I see it is…” helps to frame your story as one possible interpretation rather than a definitive accusation.

• For example, “When you’re late, I start to think that you might not value our time together.”  
• Opportunity to use contrasting statements to rebuild safety.

A – Ask for Others’ Paths: Invite the other person to share their perspective. This shows that you are genuinely interested in their point of view and are open to hearing a different interpretation.

•  For example, “What’s your take on this? I’d like to hear your thoughts.”

T – Talk Tentatively: Use tentative language when telling your story. By avoiding absolutes, you reduce the likelihood of the other person feeling attacked. By using tentative language and inviting others to share their thoughts, you signal that you are open to dialogue and not simply trying to impose your views. This reduces the other person’s defensiveness and fosters a collaborative atmosphere.

• For example, instead of saying, “You’re always inconsiderate,” you might say, “I’m starting to wonder if this might be a misunderstanding.”
• “It seems like…”
• “I was wondering why…”
• The more tentatively you speak, the more open people become to your opinions.

E – Encourage Testing: Show that you are willing to explore different viewpoints and that you value the other person’s input. Invite others to challenge your perspective, provide additional facts, or offer alternative explanations.

• Invite opposing views: “If you see it differently, I’m open to discussing it” or “What am I missing here?” or “I’d really like to hear the other side of this story” “Does that sound right to you?”
• Play devil’s advocate: “Maybe I’m wrong here. What if the opposite is true?”
• To keep the dialogue open, encourage testing of your ideas. Invite others to challenge your perspective, provide additional facts, or offer alternative explanations. For example, “What am I missing here?” or “Does that sound right to you?”

Chapter 8: Explore Others’ Paths: How to Listen When Others Blow Up or Clam Up

In crucial conversations, people often respond to stress by either blowing up (moving toward violence) or clamming up (moving toward silence). When this happens, your role shifts to creating a safe environment that encourages them to express their thoughts and feelings.

Exploring others’ paths requires patience, active listening, and a genuine desire to understand. When others see that you’re committed to hearing their side, they’re more likely to engage in meaningful conversation.

In order for people to move from acting on their feelings to talking about their conclusions and observations, we must listen in a way that makes it safe for others to share their intimate thoughts. They must believe that when they share their thoughts, they won’t offend others or be punished for speaking frankly.

Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, or Prime (AMPP):

1. Ask: Use simple, open-ended questions to invite the other person to share their thoughts. By asking open-ended questions, you signal that you’re genuinely interested in hearing the other person’s perspective. This can encourage them to speak up and share their side of the story. Asking also sets a tone of curiosity and respect, making it clear that you value their input.
   1. “Can you help me understand what’s going on?”
   1. “I’d really like to hear your opinion on this.”
   1. “Please let me know if you see it differently.”
   1. “Don’t worry about hurting my feelings. I really want to hear your thoughts.”
2. Mirror: Reflect back what you observe about the other person’s feelings or behaviors to show that you’re paying attention. Mirroring involves observing the other person’s body language, tone, and words to reflect back what you’re noticing. When people feel that their emotions are being acknowledged, they’re more likely to feel safe and continue the conversation.
   1. “I noticed you’re really quiet. Is there something on your mind?”
   1. “You say you’re okay, but by the tone of your voice, you seem upset.”
   1. “You seem angry at me”
3. Paraphrase: Restate what the other person is saying in your own words to confirm your understanding and demonstrate that you’re listening and also allows you to confirm that you’ve correctly understood their concerns. By restating their points, you validate their experience and open the door for them to elaborate or correct your interpretation.
   1. “So you’re concerned that I didn’t take your suggestion into account. Is that right?”
4. Prime: If the other person is still hesitant to open up, offer a prime—a best guess at what they might be feeling. This can help them start talking if they’re reluctant. Priming should be done tentatively and respectfully.
   1. “It seems like you might be feeling frustrated because your ideas weren’t considered.”

Remember you ABCs

Agree – if you completely agree with the other person’s argument, say so and move on. Agree when you agree. Don’t turn an agreement into an argument.

Build – if you agree with what has been said, but the information is incomplete, build. Point out areas of agreement and then add elements that were left out of the discussion. “Absolutely. In addition, I noticed that…”

Compare – if you do disagree, compare your path with the other person’s.  Rather than suggesting that he or she is wrong, suggest that you differ. “I think I see this differently. Let me describe how.”

Chapter 9: Move to Action: How to Turn Crucial Conversations into Action and Results

Effective communication requires that everyone not only reaches a shared understanding but also agrees on the specific steps to move forward.

Deciding How to Decide:

Before making any decisions, it’s important to determine how the group will make decisions. There are four main ways decisions are commonly made:

1. Command: Decisions are made by an individual or a group with authority. In this model, others are expected to follow the decision without being involved in the process.
2. Consult: A person or group seeks input from others before making a decision. Although people do not have final say, their input influences the outcome.
3. Vote: When options are clear and there is a need for a quick resolution, the group votes, and the majority rules.
4. Consensus: The group discusses and negotiates until everyone can support the decision. This is used when commitment is critical and everyone’s opinion matters.

The key is to clarify upfront which decision-making method will be used. This helps manage expectations and avoids frustration later.

How to Choose Which Method:

• Who cares? Don’t involve people who don’t care.
• Who knows? Try not to involve people who contribute no new information
• Who must agree? It’s better to involve people you need cooperating with to avoid surprising them and seeing resistance
• How many people is it worth involving?  Goal is to involve the fewest number of people, while still considering the quality of the decision

Making Assignments:

• Who: Identify a specific person responsible for the task.
• Does What: Describe the specific action or task that needs to be completed. What does done look like? If you’ve seen people misunderstand an assignment in the past, explain the common mistake as an example of what you don’t want.
• By When: Establish a clear deadline for when the task needs to be completed.
• How will you follow up? Establish regular check-ins to discuss the progress of tasks and address any obstacles.

Documenting Decisions: Write down who agreed to do what by when and share it with all relevant parties. This not only serves as a reminder but also provides a reference point if there is any confusion later on.

Holding Each Other Accountable:

When holding someone accountable, start by describing the gap between what was agreed upon and what actually happened. For example, “We agreed you would complete the report by Friday, but I haven’t received it yet.” This approach focuses on the facts and the agreement made, reducing defensiveness.

Chapter 11: Putting It All Together: Tools for Preparing and Learning

Two key principles: Learn to Look & Make it Safe

1. Learn to Look: determine if you’re in or out of dialogue. “I think we’ve moved away from dialogue.” – this simple reminder helps people catch themselves early on, before the damage is severe.
2. Make it Safe: when you notice that you and others have moved way from dialogue, do something to make it safer (Contrasting to AMPP, etc.)

Preparation is Key:

1. Effective crucial conversations begin long before you actually sit down to talk. Preparation allows you to enter the conversation with a clear understanding of your goals and a readiness to use the tools discussed in the previous chapters.
2. Plan and Practice: Create a plan and use low-stakes situations to practice the skills until they become habitual.
3. Reflect and Learn: After each conversation, evaluate what worked well and identify areas for improvement to continually enhance your skills.