How to Win Friends and Influence People – by Dale Carnegie

10/10

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain. Criticizing people puts a person on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify themselves. Rewarding good behavior will result in faster learning and better retention.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation. Less criticism and more praise. The deepest principle of human nature is the craving to be appreciated. Nothing pleases kids more than parental interest and approval.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want. To influence others, talk about what they want and show them how to get it. (e.g., if you smoke, you might not make the team or win a race)
   • Ask yourself: How can I make this person want to do it?
   • “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own”
   • Begin with how you acknowledge their problem and will solve it/help them (vs. your needs)

Six Ways to Make People Like You

1. Become genuinely interested in other people. You can make more friends in two months by being interested in them, than in two years by making them interested in you. Greet people with animation and enthusiasm.
2. Smile. “A smile says I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”  Smile with your voice (if talking through the phone). If you don’t naturally smile, force yourself to smile and act as if you were already happy.
3. Remember that a person’s name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language. Tips to remember names: ask them to repeat it (sorry – I didn’t get the name clearly), ask them how they spell it, repeat the names several times and associate it with the person’s features, expression, and general appearance, write it down soon after meeting.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. To be a good conversationalist is to become a good listener and encourage them to talk (ask them about themselves and their accomplishments). Sometimes people just want someone who will listen to them and nothing else.
5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interest. The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. Talking about what other people are interested in makes them feel valued and value us in return. We are viewed as agreeable.
6. Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely. Apply the golden rule “treat other people how we would like to be treated.” Phrases to help with sincerity: “I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to ____,” “Would you mind,” or “Thank you.” Make them feel superior to you in some way and recognize their importance and do it sincerely.

How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Whenever we argue with someone, no matter if we win or lose the argument, we still lose – you won’t change the person’s mind. Ways to avoid arguments:
   • Welcome the disagreement, distrust your first instinctive impression, control your temper, listen first, look for areas of agreement, be honest, promise to think over your opponent’s ideas and study them carefully, thank your opponent sincerely for their interest, postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem.
2. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say “You’re wrong.” People will be insulted, offended, or humiliated if you tell them you’re wrong bluntly. Ways to manage the situation tactfully:
   • “I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be corrected. Let’s examine the facts.”
   • Don’t use words like certainly, undoubtedly – sub in “I believe,” “I think,” or “I imagine.”
   • “In certain circumstances that would be right, but in the present case, there appears to be some difference…”
3. If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically (extreme ownership). Admitting that you’re wrong, shows your courage to admit your errors and opens the door to fixing the problem.
   • If you’re going to be in an argument/counterpoint, mention all of the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say and say them before the person has a chance. They’ll have a forgiving attitude and mistakes will be minimized.
4. Begin in a friendly way. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Beginning our interactions with others in a friendly way will make people be more receptive. If you come for a fight, people will fight back.
5. Start with questions to which the other person will answer yes. Begin by discussing and emphasizing the things on which we agree. We are both striving for the same end goal, but with a different method. Getting people to say “yes ,yes” enables you to move forward and create an accepting and open attitude with the other person.
6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. Let other people talk themselves out. They know more about the issue/problem – so ask them questions and listen patiently with an open mind. Let people feel superior to you.
7. Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers. No one likes to feel that they are being sold or told to do something. People prefer to feel like they are doing things on their own and feel consulted about their wishes, wants, and thoughts. Allow others to think they arrived at it themselves.
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. Other people may often be wrong, but we cannot condemn them. Consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own. Having better empathy is the one key takeaway from this book to improve your career.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. If we can sympathize with others on how they feel or what they desire, they will appreciate our side as well and will often come around to our way of thinking.
   1. Key phrase: “I don’t blame you at all for feeling the way you do. If I were you, I would feel just the same as you do.”
10. Appeal to the nobler motives. People believe that they are honest (give your word), upright, and fair/patient. If we can make them feel that way, we can convince them to follow our ideas.
11. Dramatize your ideas. The truth must be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic. Movies and television do it. You will need to do it if you want attention. (e.g., create a game to clean up the toys – be a train that picks up toys along the way)
12. Throw down a challenge. People are motivated by competition. If the work is exciting, people will look forward to doing it and are motivated to do an excellent job.

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation. It’s easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points (feedback sandwich technique – good, bad, good).
2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. Most people begin criticism with sincere praise, followed by the word “but” and ending with a critical statement. Praise them for what you want them to do. Example:
   • Original: “We’re proud of you for getting better grades this quarter, but if you studied harder on Algebra, you could’ve gotten better results.”
   • Revised: “We’re proud of you for getting better grades this quarter and by working hard this next quarter, your algebra grade will be at the same level as your other grades.”
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. Admitting your own mistakes, even when one hasn’t corrected them, can help convince somebody to change their behavior because you’re not perfect either.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. Questions enable cooperation instead of rebellion.
   • Don’t say: Do this or do that, or don’t do this or don’t’ do that.
   • Say: “You might consider this” or “do you think that would work” or “What do you think of this”
5. Let the other person save face. Think about the other person’s pride as you issue threats, find faults, or criticize people in front of others. Empathize with their feelings and find a way to let them down softly.
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” When criticism is minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for a lack of attention. People crave appreciation and recognition, but it must be done sincerely.
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as that particular trait were already one of their outstanding characteristics. People will want to live up to that reputation that you created for them.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. To motivate someone, be liberal with your encouragement, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, and that he has an undeveloped talent for this.
9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. It’s a great honor that you would be doing him a favor.