Introduction:
- One third to one half of Americans are introverts, in other words, one out of every two or three people you know.
- Carl Jung’s book, “Psychological Types”, popularized the term introvert and extrovert:
- Introvert: drawn to the inner world of thought and feeling
- Extrovert: Drawn to the external life of people and activities.
- Definition is based on level of outside stimulation that they need to function well.
- Shyness does not equate to introverted. Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environments that are not overstimulating.
PART I: THE EXTROVERT IDEAL
Chapter 1 – The rise of the Mighty Likeable Fellow
- The rise of the “extrovert ideal” happened around the twentieth century where it transformed from a Culture of Character over to Culture of Personality.
- Culture of Character: duty, work, honor, reputation, morals, manners, and integrity
- Culture of Personality: concerned with how others perceive them; magnetic, attractive, energetic, stunning
- Dale Carnegie helped promote this shift with his self-help books (“How to Win Friends and Influence People”)
Chapter 2 – The Myth of Charismatic Leadership
- We perceive talkers as smarter than quiet times, even though grade point averages and SAT and intelligence test score reveal this perception to be inaccurate.
- The more a person talks, the more other group members direct attention to them, which means they become increasingly powerful as a meeting goes on.
- It also helps to speak fast; we rate quick talkers as more capable and appealing than slow talkers.
- Things Introverted Leaders Do Differently from Extroverted Leaders:
- Delegate important, interesting or meaningful tasks over to their team (want to get the work done vs. keeping it for themselves – don’t care about getting credit)
- Can motivate extroverted employees by listening to their team and implementing their suggestions, which encourages them to be proactive. Extroverts focus more on talking, instead of listening.
- Extroverted leaders can excel when managing passive types that don’t exert initiative.
Chapter 3 – When Collaboration Kills Creativity
- Introverts prefer to work independently, and solitude can be a catalyst to innovation. However, we do the opposite in society – where we encourage group collaboration in schools and work.
- Musicians – what separated the best violinists vs. the ok violinists? Both groups had the same amount of time in music related activities, but the best violinists spent more time practicing in solitude.
- You can engage in deliberate practice in solitude (key to achieving exceptional achievement like Steve Wozniak) – requires intense concentration and other requires deep motivation.
- High performing coders were attributed to the amount of privacy, personal space, control over their physical environments, and freedom from interruptions (as opposed to years of experience, salary, or time to complete work).
- Loud and uncontrollable noises raise heart rates, releases cortisol (fight or flight stress hormone) and makes us multitask (which decreases productivity and increases mistakes).
- Group brainstorming performed worse than individuals thinking of ideas by themselves – the larger the group, the fewer and poorer ideas that were generated.
- Stems from social loafing (sit back and let others do the work), production blocking (only one person can speak at a time and people sit passively), and evaluation apprehension (fear of looking stupid in front of peers).
- Key is to create settings where people are free to circulate between collaborative situations to private workspaces. Good teams are a mix of introverts and extroverts.
PART II: YOUR BIOLOGY, YOUR SELF?
Chapter 4 – Is Temperament Destiny?
- Temperament refers to inborn, biologically based behavioral and emotional patterns that are observable in infancy and early childhood.
- Personality is the complex brew that emerges after cultural influence and personal experience are thrown into the mix.
- Temperament is the foundation and personality is the building.
- Jerome Kagan led a study of emotional and cognitive development of 500 children from infants to adolescents.
- High reactive infants (kicked their arms and legs when shown new experiences of balloons popping or inhaled scents of alcohol on cotton swabs) were more likely to be introverts.
- Low reactive infants were more likely to be relaxed and confident in older ages (and extroverted).
- Our amygdala’s (emotional switchboard; triggers flight or flight response) cause this response. The more reactive the child’s amygdala, the higher their heart rate, more cortisol (stress hormone) is felt with something new and stimulating.
- High reactive people think and feel more deeply about what they’ve noticed. More likely to develop into artists, scientists, writers, and thinkers.
- Many children are like dandelions (can thrive in any environment); however high reactive kids are like orchids – they wilt easily, but can excel under the right environment and conditions.
- Need good parenting, child care, and stable home environment > leads to fewer emotional problems and more social skills.
Chapter 5 – Beyond Temperament
- Dr. Carl Schwartz, protégé of Kagan’s, discovered that our temperament never disappeared in adulthood. We can stretch our personalities, but up to a point (like a rubber band). A sizable part of who we are is ordained by our genes, by our brains, and by our nervous systems.
- “Rubber band theory” of personality – we are like rubber bands at rest. We are elastic and can stretch ourselves, but only so much.
- You can unlearn some of these behaviors through fear conditioning (exposing yourself gradually to your fears), but these will just suppress it; not eliminate it.
- Introverts are more sensitive to stimulation than extroverts
- Altering noise levels impacted performance – low decibels helped introverts, but bored extroverts; high decibels were over aroused for introverts, while extroverts were fine.
Chapter 6 – Franklin Was a Politician, But Eleanor Spoke Out of Conscience
- Highly sensitive people process information about their environment (physical and emotional) deeply. They capture subtleties that others miss.
- They also think more complexly and are bored by small talk. Prefer talking about morals and values vs. weather or past vacation.
- Sensitive people are highly empathic and are linked to personality traits of agreeableness and openness to experience.
- Blushing often happens to high reactive people – authentic sign of embarrassment – shows moral emotion, humility, modesty, and a desire to avoid aggression.
Chapter 7 – Why Did Wall Street Crash and Warren Buffet Prosper?
- Extroverts tend to exhibit reward sensitivity – highly motivated to seek rewards and can get us into trouble (more risky bets in stock market). Introverts are able to regulate their feelings of desire or excitement.
- Extroverts have higher political, economic, and hedonistic ambitions than introverts.
- Introverts tend to compare new information with their expectations – is this what I thought would happen? Is this how it should be?
- Extroverts get better grades than introverts during elementary school, but introverts outperform extroverts in high school and college.
- Why? Introverts think before they act, digest information thoroughly, stay on task longer, give up less easily, and work more accurately. Extroverts likely take a quick and dirty approach to problem solving, trading speed for accuracy, making increasing numbers of mistakes as they go.
- Buffet’s success isn’t IQ; he said “Once you have ordinary intelligence, what you need is the temperament to control the urges that get other people into trouble in investing.”
PART III DO ALL CULTURES HAVE AN EXTOVERT IDEAL?
Chapter 8 – Soft Power: Asian Americans and the Extrovert Ideal
- Asian countries tend to be more introverted. It’s embedded in their cultures to be team oriented vs Westerners (individualistic). Will place tremendous value on harmony within their group and subordinate their own desires for the group’s interests.
- A study of second generation Chinese-American teens vs. European-American teens showed that Chinese-American peers were more introverted and had lower self-esteem.
- Quiet persistence enabled Gandhi’s political triumphs. Also enables Asian’s to score high on math and science tests. Students who were persistent to fill out a questionnaire was correlated to test scores. Excellent students seem not only to possess the cognitive ability to solve math and science problems, but also to have a useful personality characteristic: quiet persistence.
PART IV: HOW TO LOVE, HOW TO WORK
Chapter 9 – When Should You Act More Extroverted Than You Really Are?
- New field of psychology called the “Free Trait Theory” states that there are fixed and free trains that coexist together. We are born with certain personality traits (introversion), but we can and do act on out of character in the service of “core personal projects.”
- People can be categorized into a low self-monitor (LSM) or high self monitor (HSM). High self monitor people can play different roles in different situations ~ similar to high EQ. Low self monitor people tend to base their behaviors on their own internal compass and have sensitivity to social cues.
- How to identify your core personal projects?
- Think back to what you loved to do when you were a child
- Pay attention to the work you gravitate to.
- Pay attention to what you envy. You mostly envy those who have what you desire.
- Find your “restorative niche” that is your “place you go to be yourself.” This place will be almost the opposite for introverts and extroverts. Introverts – time for in-character activities like reading, writing, or strategizing.
Chapter 10 – The Communication Gap: How to Talk to Members of the Opposite Sex
- Introverts and extroverts are usually attracted to one another since they complement each other.
- However, introverts may want downtime and understanding from their partners, while extroverts want company and may resent others that benefit from their partner’s best selves.
- Introverts like people they meet in friendly contexts; extroverts prefer those they compete with.
- Introverts responded better to gentle, soothing comments from a robot, while extroverts preferred aggressive and harsher language.
- In the end, introverts need to work on their communication and speak up more often when they don’t agree with their partner. Extroverts need to calm down a bit more.
Chapter 11 – On Cobblers and Generals: How to Cultivate Quiet Kids in a World That Can’t Hear Them
- Introverts react not only to new people, but new places and events. They’re might be overstimulated
- Key is to gradually exposure your child to new situations and people – respecting their limits. Let them know that their feelings are normal and natural, but also that there’s nothing to be afraid of.
- Go at your kids pace. Don’t rush them.
- Don’t use the term shy to describe your kid. They’ll start to believe the label and has negative connotations.
- Invite some of their classmates to your house.
- Make sure these social gatherings are enjoyable by selecting kids that are not overly aggressive and playgroups that have a friendly feel to them.
- Have your kid play with younger kids if that gives him confidence, older kids if they inspire him.
- Never force friendships between children. You want most of their early social experiences to be positive.
- Practice before responding to social situations such as birthday parties or celebrations. Be one of the earlier guests so that you child “owns” the space rather than breaking into a preexisting group.
- Before you start school, take them on a school tour and meet some of the adults who will be in touch with them on a daily basis.
- Teach them three simple social strategies like: smiling, stand up straight, and make eye contact.
- As a parent think about schools that prize independent interests and emphasizes autonomy, conducts group activities in moderation, values kindness/caring/empathy, insists on orderly classrooms and hallways, and enforces antibullying programs.
- Don’t ask your kid “How was your day?” or “Did you have fun in school today” – ask “What did you do in math class today”.
- Don’t ask your kid “Do you like your teacher”, ask: “What do you like or don’t like about your teacher”
- Don’t worry if your kid isn’t the most popular kid in school. It’s critically important for their emotional and social development that they have one or two solid friendships, but being popular isn’t necessary. Introverted kids can grow up to have excellent social skills.
- Encourage them to follow their passion.
Conclusion
- Figure out what you are meant to contribute to the world and make sure you contribute it. Put yourself in the right light and with the right people. Relationships are essential.