By Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish, Amazon

Chapter 1 – Helping children deal with their feelings – Children Need to Have Their Feelings Accepted and Respected

Actions:

1. Listen quietly and with full attention
2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word: “Oh…”, “Mmm…”, “I see…”
   1. Instead of questions or advice, just listen. It’s hard for a child to think clearly or constructively when someone is question, blaming, or advising them. 
3. Give their feelings a name: “That sounds frustrating”
   1. The child who hears the words for what she is experiencing is deeply comforted.  Someone has acknowledged her inner experience.
4. Give them their wishes in fantasy: “I wish I could make the banana ripe right now for you”

Tips:

• How to deal with extremely upset kids – physical activity can help
  • Draw their feelings – “show me how angry you are.” “You really are angry.  Show me more.”
• Match your response with the emotion of your child (don’t over do it and don’t under do it)
• Don’t repeat the insult – Children don’t appreciate having the names they call themselves repeated by their parents – dump, ugly, stupid, etc. – “Oh, so you think you’re dumb? or You’re not ugly”
• Wish list – create a wish list (write it down/type it up) to acknowledge their wants
• For some, Mom/Dad’s presence is comfort enough (just a nice long hug)
• Don’t use “but” – negates the items you just said earlier.  Use “The problem is…” or “Even though you know…”
  • Original: I know how much you hate having a babysitter, but I need to go to work.
  • Revised: I know how much you hate having a babysitter. The problem is that I need to go to work.
• How to deal with “I hate you” or something else you didn’t like – “I didn’t like what I just heard.  If you’re angry about something, tell it to me in another way. Then maybe I can be helpful.”
• Children usually object when their exact words are repeated back to them (like a parrot)
  • Child: I don’t like David anymore
  • You: You don’t like David anymore
  • Child: (with annoyance) That’s what I just said

Chapter 2: Engaging cooperation:

Actions:

1. Describe the problem: “There’s a wet towel on the bed” vs. “You put the bed on the towel” or “Why did you pull the towel on the bed” (accusation – defense mode)
   1. When you describe a problem, it gives children a chance to tell themselves what to do
2. Give information: “The towel is making the bed wet”
   1. Information is a lot easier to take than accusation
3. Say it with a word: “Towel!”
   1. Less is more – no lectures, sermons, long explanations
4. Describe what you feel: “I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed”
   1. Children are entitled to hear their parent’s honest feelings.  By describing how we feel, we can be genuine without being harmful
5. Write a note: (above towel rack) Please put me back so I can dry. Thanks, Towel”

Tips:

• Questions to ask yourself to get through to kids:
  • Does my request make sense in terms of my child’s age and ability? (Am I expecting an 8-year-old to have perfect table manners?)
  • Can I give her a choice about when to do something rather than now? (Do you want to take your bath before or after TV)
  • Can I offer a choice about how something is done?  (Do you want to take your bath with your whale or shark)
  • Are most of my moments with my child spent asking him to “do things” or am I taking out some time to be alone with him – just to “be together”?
• One word caution – don’t use your kids name as your one-word statement – can be associated with disapproval
• Be Playful – put underwear on head or socks on hands or invent cavity monsters to encourage brushing.  Give inanimate objects a voice/personality.  Can we clean up before the song ends?

Chapter 3: Alternatives to punishment:

Actions:

1. Express strong disapproval – without attacking the child’s character: “I’m furious that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain!”
2. State your expectations: “I expect my tools to be returned after they’ve been borrowed”
3. Show the child how to make amends: “What this saw needs now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease”
4. Give them a choice: “You can borrow my tools and return them, or you can give up the privilege of using them.  You decide”
5. Take action – let them experience the consequences: 
   1. Child: Why is the toolbox locked?
   1. Father: You tell me?
6. Problem solve: “What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that I’ll be sure they’re there when I need them?”
   1. Steps to problem solve:
      1. Talk about the child’s feelings: “I imagine you must be feeling…”
      1. Talk about your feelings: “Here’s how I feel about it.” Be brief
      1. Invite the child to work on finding a mutually acceptable solution – write all options (no judgment)
      1. Decide which ideas you like, which you don’t like, and which ideas you want to put into action
      1. Follow through
      1. Don’t permit the child to blame or accuse you at any point

Tips:

• Don’t try to find out who did it – focus on taking responsibility/solving the problem
  • “I’m not interested in knowing who did it.  I’m not interested in blaming anyone for what happened in the past.  I am interested in seeing improvement in the future!”
  • Problem Solve:
    • “Kids – this is a tough problem, but I have confidence that you two can put your heads together and come up with a solution that you can both agree to”
    • Narrate/Describe the situation – sometimes kids just want to be heard.
      • “I see you have a problem.  Vince, you want to ride your tricycle.  Derek, you want to ride Vince’s tricycle and he doesn’t want you to. I think you should try to find a solution to the problem that would be acceptable to both of you.”
• How to deal with an “I’m sorry” with no change – say to the repeat offender:
  • “Sorry means behaving differently”
  • “Sorry means making changes”
  • “I’m glad to hear your sorry.  That’s the first step.  The second step is to ask yourself what can be done about it.”
• Problem Solving 2.0
  • Be on your child’s side.  Acknowledge their feelings
  • Problem solve.  Consider everything (list all options)
  • Be your child’s advocate.  Communicate with the teacher when homework gets overwhelming.  Don’t worry about other people’s kids.

Chapter 4: Encouraging autonomy

Actions:

1. Let them make choices: Do you want to wear your blue or black pants?
2. Show respect for a child’s struggle: “Putting your shoes on can take a lot of work”
   1. Don’t just say “It’s easy” – if they succeed, he feels he didn’t accomplish anything.  If he fails, then he’s failed at something simple.  Needs to feel pride of having done something difficult and if he fails, he knows that his task was a tough one.
   1. If kids are struggling, give useful information by saying: “sometimes it helps by…”
3. Don’t ask too many questions: “Hi, I’m glad to see you” “Welcome home” “I’d love to hear about your class trip when you’re ready to talk about it.” “I’m interested to hear how your presentation went.  Come tell me about it when you’re in the mood.”
   1. Children will talk about what they want to talk about when they want to talk about it.
   1. Don’t ask – did you have fun today?  May feel he will let parents down if they don’t have fun.
4. Don’t rush to answer questions: encourage the child to come up with an answer
   1. Use Socratic method – what do you think?  Repeat the question. 
5. Encourage the child to use resources outside the home
   1. Dentist, school, an older child can be called upon to help them with their problem.
6. Don’t take away hope: “So you want to try out for the school play, that will be an experience”
   1. Don’t protect them from disappointment – we limit them from hoping, striving, dreaming, and sometimes achieving their dreams.

Tips:

• More ways to encourage autonomy
  • Let Him Own His Own Body – let them wipe their face clean
  • Don’t talk about a child in front him – no matter how young the child!
  • Let a child answer for himself: “Vince can tell you”
  • Show respect for your child’s eventual readiness: “One of these days, you’ll use the bathroom like Mommy and Daddy.”
• Alternatives to “No” – example: Child: Can I play now? Instead of “No, we have to eat”
  • Give information/describe the problem (and leave the No out):
    • Say: “We’re having dinner in 5 minutes”
  • Accept Feelings
    • Say “It’s hard to leave a place you enjoy so much. We’ll come back next time.”
  • When possible, substitute a “yes” for a “no”
    • Instead of “No, you have to eat lunch” Say: “yes – after lunch you can play”
  • Give yourself time to think: “Let me think about it”

Chapter 5: Praise

Actions:

Instead of evaluating like using words – good, great, fantastic:

1. Describe what you see
   1. Instead of “Wow, that’s great” say “I like the colors you’ve used, and the lines are very neat” or “I see a tidy room, with the bed made”
   1. I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books neatly lined up on the shelf.
2. Describe how you feel
   1. “It’s a pleasure to walk into this room”
3. Sum up the behavior with a word
   1. “You shared with you brother, that’s what I call generous”

Tips:

• Make sure your praise is appropriate for your child’s age and level of ability – brushing teeth for a 3-year-old vs. 10-year-old
• Don’t say I’m Proud of You – shifts emphasis from them to you – say instead “What an achievement! You must be so proud of yourself”
• Be proactive with praise – look for something good – anything positive and comment on it. 
• Don’t say: “If you’re good, I’ll…”  Say – “It’d be helpful to me if…” and when they do something helpful, describe it back to them.
• Don’t praise by comparison – may end up resentful in their relationship as siblings
  • Original: “You got your shoes tied without any help.  The baby can’t do that”
  • Revised: “Look at what a big girl you are tying your shoes without help!  I know who’s going to teach Baby Derek when he is ready for his big boy shoes.”
• Avoid the kind of praise that hints at past weaknesses or past failures
  • “I never thought you would pass the course, but you did.” Say – I know you put a lot of work and effort to pass that course
• Be prepared for a lot of repetition of that same activity when you describe what a child is doing appreciatively.
  • Don’t say: you have big climbing muscles if you don’t want them climbing to the top of the jungle gym

Chapter 6: Free children from playing roles

Actions:

1. Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of themselves “You’ve had that toy since you were 3 and it looks just like new”
2. Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently. (greedy) “Tommy, please divide these peanuts so that each person gets a fair share”
3. Let the child hear you say something positive about them: (crybaby)“Mom, you should have seen your grandson, he held his arm and got his shots like a brave kid”
4. Model the behavior you would like to see: “It’s hard to lose, but I’ll try to be a sport about it.  Congratulations!”
5. Be a storehouse for your child’s special moments: “I remember the time you…”
6. When your child acts according to the old label, state your feelings/expectations: (Sore Loser):“I don’t like that.  Despite your strong feelings, I expect sportsmanship out of you.

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