I read this book at the right time.  My father had just passed away and I decided I wanted to live a better life.  This book laid the foundation for my journey.  Here are my key learnings from this book:

Principle Centered, Character Centered, and an Inside-Out approach is necessary to obtain personal and interpersonal effectiveness.  If you want to be more effective, everything must begin with yourself.  To become effective, you need to alter your principles (integrity, honesty, service, quality/excellence, etc.), character, attitude and behaviors.  Living a principles based lifestyle will enable you live the life you want and focus on what’s important to you.

In a world, that wants things now and immediate gratification, we must start with the basics and realize that there is no get rich quick shortcut.  Like a baby, they first learn to roll over, sit up, crawl, and then walk and run.   The book structure is:

• Habits 1, 2, and 3 focuses on mastering oneself (private victories). These habits help move people from dependence to independence.
• Habits 4, 5, and 6 focuses on developing teamwork, collaboration, and communication skills, and moving from independence to interdependence (public victories).
• Habit 7 focuses on renewal. The balance of four basic dimensions of life (physical, mental, social/emotional and spiritual).  This is a cycle of continuous growth and improvement to improve upon each of the prior habits.

Habit 1: Be Proactive – The most important habit is to be proactive. We must recognize that we are responsible for our own lives.  There are always issues that are arising and a corresponding response to that issue.  We have the ability to choose how to respond to those issues.  If you wait to be acted upon, you will be acted upon.

• This lesson is found in the Viktor Frankl’s book – Man’s Search for Meaning. He survived the Nazi Concentration Camps as he found meaning in their suffering.  His fundamental principle about the nature of man is: “Between stimulus and response, man has the freedom to choose.”
• What matters most in life is how we respond to what we experience in life.
• Here are two statements: “there’s nothing I can do” vs. “let’s look at our alternatives” or “he makes me so mad” vs. “I control my own feelings”.  There is a big difference between the reactive vs. proactive thoughts.
• Circle of Concern and Circle of Influence – Effective people only worry about things that are within their circle of influence and circle of concern. They do not worry about things outside their control/influence such as the weather, traffic, or the national debt.  Effective people focus their efforts on things that they can change.
• This positive energy enlarges the Circle of Influence, while the negative energy from reactive people reduces their Circle of Influence.

Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind – Picture your funeral and imagine what people are saying about your life. What character would you like them to have seen in you?  What are you doing today to help influence that thought?  If you do not make a conscious effort to visualize who you are and what you want in life, you empower other people and circumstances to shape you and your life by default.

• “It’s incredibly easy to get caught up in an activity trap, in the busyness of life, to work harder, and harder at climbing the ladder of success only to discover it’s leaning against the wrong wall. It is possible to be busy, very busy, without being very effective.”
• “How different our lives are when we really know what is deeply important to us, and, keeping that picture in mind, we manage ourselves each day to be and to do what really matters most. If the ladder is not leaning against the right wall, every step we take just gets us to the wrong place faster.  We may be very busy, we may be very efficient, but we will also be truly effective once we begin with the end in mind.”
• All Things Are Created Twice – There is a mental (first) creation and then a physical (second) creation. Imagine building a house without a blueprint.  We need to figure out what our personal mission and vision statements are in life.  This is our blueprint to determine what success is.  There are a few ways to help determine your mission/vision statement.  It begins by understanding what are your principles (family, work, friends, spouse, self, possessions, etc.)
• “Habit 1 says, “You’re the creator.” Habit 2 is the creation.” Once you know you can shape your own life, you start to build it.
• Once you have the mission/vision statement, translate it into daily activities and begin to live your life in congruence with your values. It is also worthwhile to visualize your goals every day and have daily affirmations to yourself to reinforce your goals.

Habit 3: Put First Things First – To be effective, you must have the discipline to prioritize the day/week and focus on things that are most important to you and your life. Habit 3 is the physical creation, fulfillment, the actualization and the natural emergence of Habit 1 and 2

• One must build the discipline to do the things you hate/dislike in order to have the strength and determination to reach your goals.
• There are 4 quadrants of the Time Management Matrix, based upon what is important and what is urgent.
  • Quadrant I – we are managing crises and putting out fires, which leads to stress and burnout
  • Quadrant III – we are reacting to things that seem urgent, assuming they are also important. These are actually priorities and expectation of others.  One can feel victimized or out of control.
  • Quadrant IV – This is living an irresponsible life and can result in a termination of our job.
  • Quadrant II – is the heart of effective personal management. It focuses on building relationships, planning, exercising, preventative maintenance, and preparation.  These are tasks that we should be doing, but are not because they are not urgent.

• One should think about how much time they are allocating in each of these buckets and then try to focus more on Quadrant II deliverables.
  • “The way you spend your time is a result of the way you see your time and the way you really see your priorities”
  • “The key is to not prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities” – The book recommends looking at your schedule weekly and ensuring that each of your priorities are on your calendar.
• “Again, you simply can’t think efficiency with people. You think effectiveness with people and efficiency with things.“  We need the time with people (friends/family/co-workers) and building relationships to set the foundation for Habits 4-6.

After one develops independence, there are 6 things to establish great relationships through making deposits in the Emotional Bank Account:

• Understanding the Individual – To make a deposit, what is important to another person must be as important to you as the other person is to you. You must understand them deeply as individuals, the way you want to be understood, and then to treat them in terms of that understanding.  The Golden Rule Principle.
• Attending to the Little Things – In relationships, the little things are the big things. Small acts of kindnesses and courtesies are important just as small discourtesies/unkindness can make large withdrawals.
• Keeping Commitments – Failure to keep a promise may be one of the biggest withdrawals. Trust is lost and may be difficult to regain once the promise has been broken.
• Clarifying Expectations – Unclear expectations in the area of goals or roles can undermine communication and trust.
• Showing Personal Integrity – This includes honesty, but in addition to telling the truth, it is also conforming our words into reality and fulfilling expectations. One of the best ways to manifest integrity is to be loyal to those who are not present.
• Apologizing Sincerely When You Make A Withdrawal – We need to own up to our actions and be sincere to those we hurt with those actions. We need to quickly and genuinely apologize.

Habit 4: Think Win-Win – ensuring that both parties get what they want in a mutually beneficial way is the best approach. There are a few combinations other than Win-Win:

• Win-Lose – Most people tend to be in this mentality since birth. They are prone to use position, power, credentials, possessions, or personality to get their way.
• Lose-Win – “I’m a peacemaker and I’ll do anything to keep peace.” These people are quick to please and seek strength from popularity and acceptance.
• Lose-Lose – Both parties are stubborn, determined, or ego-invested individuals. They are vindictive and want to “get back” or “get even” with the other party.
• Win – People with the Win mentality do not necessarily want someone else to lose – that is irrelevant. What matters is that they get what they want. This is common approach in everyday negotiation.
• Win-Win or No Deal – A higher expression of Win-Win. If there cannot be a Win-Win, then the parties agree to disagree.  This helps us feel liberated because we do not need to manipulate people, to push our agenda, or drive for what we want.
• The biggest part of the Win-Win habit is the Abundance Mentality, where there is enough out there for everyone.
  • Most people view life in the Scarcity Mentality.  Life is like a pie; if someone were to get a bigger piece, there would be less for him or her.  Everything is a zero sum game.  People with the Scarcity Mentality have a difficult time sharing recognition and credit, power, or profit.
  • The Abundance Mentality takes the personal joy, satisfaction and joy from Habits 1, 2, and 3 to bring the Public Victory not over others, but sharing it and creating unlimited possibilities that are beneficial to all involved.
• Organizations must align themselves appropriately with the right systems, processes, and incentives in order for the win-win method to work.

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand then to be Understood – One must use empathic listening (getting inside another person’s frame of reference) before trying to prescribe a solution to their problem. Once you understand their point of view, you can offer your advice.

• There are 5 levels of listening:
  • Ignoring – Not paying attention
  • Pretending – “Yeah. Uh-huh. Right”
  • Selective Listening – Only hearing certain parts of the conversation
  • Attentive Listening – paying attention and focusing energy on the words that are being said
  • Empathetic listening – listening with the intent to understand, not just with the ears, but also with your eyes, your brain, and your heart.
• We tend to listen with our own perspective as our frame of reference and respond in one of the four ways.  We must try to respond back with the other persons frame of reference in mind.
  • Evaluate – agree or disagree
  • Probe – ask questions from our own frame of reference
  • Advise – give counsel based on our own experiences
  • Interpret – try to figure people out, to explain their motives, their behavior, based on our own motives and behaviors
• Being a good listener is vital to achieving the win-win approach and expanding your circle of influence as you understand people.

Habit 6: Synergize – the ability for the whole to be greater than the sum of the parts by creating new alternatives and opening new possibilities.

• With high trust and high cooperation, both parties are able to get to the Win-Win scenario and need to think with the Abundance Mentality.
• Value the difference of other people – The discussion with another person who views it differently will help you understand their perspective and perceptions.  If two people have the same opinion, one is unnecessary.  It’s not going to do me any good at all to communicate with someone who sees things in the same way.
  • By inviting a discussion with someone who has a different opinion, this creates a positive environment to allow synergies to happen.  People will have the courage to express their ideas, feelings, and experiences.  The key is that you do not need to agree with them, but affirm them and seek to understand.  They will value you listening to their opinions.
• Always try to find the third alternative – there are usually three opinions/options – yours, the “wrong” and the third alternative, which can usually benefit both parties.

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw – This habit surrounds all other habits as it allows preserving and enhancing the greatest asset you have, yourself. There are four key dimensions of yourself:

• Physical
  • Exercise – doing a combination of cardio and strength training, along with being flexible.
  • Nutrition – eating the right kinds of goods
  • Stress Management – getting sufficient sleep and relaxation
• Mental
  • Reading – read good literature and avoid time spent watching TV and other things that waste our time and our minds.
  • Planning – being organized will help with Habits 2 and 3 to align the priorities of the day/week to achieve your mission and vision.
  • Writing – keep a daily journal of our thoughts, experiences, insights, and learnings will promote mental clarity.
• Social/Emotion
  • Service –a long, healthy, and happy life is the result of making contributions, of having meaningful projects that are personally exciting, contribute to, and bless the lives of others. “Service is the rent we pay for the privilege of living on this earth.” – N. Eldon Tanner
  • Empathy – being a great empathetic listener
  • Synergy – finding the third alternatives in a Win-Win scenario
  • Intrinsic Security – living a life of integrity in which our daily habits reflect our deepest values and we live in congruence with those values.
• Spiritual
  • Virtual Clarification & Commitment – “The greatest battles of life are fought out daily in the silent chambers of the soul.” Having the personal mission statement and understanding of your values will help you live each day to the mission.
  • Study & Meditation – meditation in the morning will help set the day off on the right foot.

There are many great lessons in this book that is hard to condense in this blog post.  I hope you all find this book as valuable as I did.  I try to refresh myself in these 7 habits on an ongoing basis and continue to sharpen the saw.