One: Mastering the Secrets of Nonverbal Communication

Commandment 1: Be a competent observer of your environment.

• Effortful observation is key to reading people and detecting their nonverbal cues.
• Sherlock Holmes: “You see, but you do not observe.”

Commandment 2: Observing in context is key to understanding nonverbal behavior.

• When trying to understand nonverbal behavior in real-life situations, the more you understand the context in which it takes place, the better you will be at understanding what it means.
• For example, after a traffic accident, I expect people to be in shock and to walk around looking dazed.

Commandment 3: Learn to recognize and decode nonverbal behaviors that are universal.

• When people press their lips together in a manner that seems to make them disappear, it is a clear and common sign that they are troubled, and something is wrong.

Commandment 4: Learn to recognize and decode idiosyncratic nonverbal behaviors.

• Universal nonverbal behaviors constitute one group of body cues: those that are relatively the same for everyone. There is a second type of body cue called an idiosyncratic nonverbal behavior, which is a signal that is relatively unique to a particular individual.

Commandment 5: When you interact with others, try to establish their baseline behaviors.

• In order to get a handle on the baseline behaviors of the people with whom you regularly interact, you need to note how they look normally, how they typically sit, where they place their hands, the usual position of their feet, their posture and common facial expressions, the tilt of their heads, and even where they generally place or hold their possessions, such as a purse.

Commandment 6: Always try to watch people for multiple tells— behaviors that occur in clusters or in succession.

• The more pieces of the puzzle you possess, the better your chances of putting them all together and seeing the picture they portray.

Commandment 7: It’s important to look for changes in a person’s behavior that can signal changes in thoughts, emotions, interest, or intent.

• Sudden changes in behavior can help reveal how a person is processing information or adapting to emotional events.

Commandment 8: Learning to detect false or misleading nonverbal signals is also critical. The ability to differentiate between authentic and misleading cues takes practice and experience.

Commandment 9: Knowing how to distinguish between comfort and discomfort will help you to focus on the most important behaviors for decoding nonverbal communications.

Commandment 10: When observing others, be subtle about it.

• Your ideal goal is to observe others without their knowing it, in other words, unobtrusively.

Two: Living Our Limbic Legacy

The “turtle effect” – raising the shoulders and lowering the head to hide in the open.

Blocking behaviors may manifest in the form of closing the eyes, rubbing the eyes, or placing the hands in front of the face. The person may also distance herself from someone by leaning away, placing objects (a purse) on her lap, or turning her feet toward the nearest exit. These are not behaviors of deception, but rather actions that signal that a person feels uncomfortable.

Pacifying behaviors are actions that serve to calm us down after we experience something unpleasant or downright nasty

• Humans engage in much more diverse pacification behaviors. Some are very obvious, while others are much more subtle (e.g. child’s thumb sucking, chewing gum, biting pencils).

To be successful at reading nonverbal behavior, learning to recognize and decode human pacifiers is absolutely critical. Why? Because pacifying behaviors reveal so much about a person’s current state of mind, and they do so with uncanny accuracy

Any touching of the face, head, neck, shoulder, arm, hand, or leg in response to a negative stimulus is a pacifying behavior. Men prefer to touch their faces. Women prefer to touch their necks, clothing, jewelry, arms, and hair.

Neck touching and/ or stroking is one of the most significant and frequent pacifying behaviors we use in responding to stress. Covering of the neck dimple pacifies insecurities, emotional discomfort, fear, or concerns in real time. Playing with a necklace often serves the same purpose.

Even a brief touch of the neck will serve to assuage anxiety or discomfort. Neck touching or massaging is a powerful and universal stress reliever and pacifier.

Men tend to massage or stroke their necks to pacify distress. This area is rich with nerves, including the vagus nerve, which when massaged will slow down the heart rate.

If a stressed person is a smoker, he or she will smoke more; if the person chews gum, he or she will chew faster.

Rubbing of the forehead is usually a good indicator that a person is struggling with something or is undergoing slight to severe discomfort.

Cheek or face touching is a way to pacify when nervous, irritated, or concerned.

Motions such as rubbing the forehead; touching, rubbing, or licking the lip(s); pulling or massaging the earlobe with thumb and forefinger; stroking the face or beard; and playing with the hair all can serve to pacify an individual when confronting a stressful situation.

Leg cleansing is one pacification behavior that often goes unnoticed because it frequently occurs under a desk or table. In this calming or pacifying activity, a person places the hand (or hands) palm down on top of the leg (or legs), and then slides them down the thighs toward the knee. It may also be done to dry off sweaty palms associated with anxiety, but principally it is to get rid of tension.

• In my experience, I find the leg cleanser to be very significant because it occurs so quickly in reaction to a negative event.

In order to gain knowledge about a person through nonverbal pacifiers, there are a few guidelines you need to follow:

(1) Recognize pacifying behaviors when they occur. I have provided you with all of the major pacifiers. As you make a concerted effort to spot these body signals, they will become increasingly easy to recognize in interactions with other people.

(2) Establish a pacifying baseline for an individual. That way you can note any increase and/ or intensity in that person’s pacifying behaviors and react accordingly.

(3) When you see a person make a pacifying gesture, stop and ask yourself, “What caused him to do that?” You know the individual feels uneasy about something. Your job, as a collector of nonverbal intelligence, is to find out what that something is.

(4) Understand that pacifying behaviors almost always are used to calm a person after a stressful event occurs. Thus, as a general principle, you can assume that if an individual is engaged in pacifying behavior, some stressful event or stimulus has preceded it and caused it to happen.

(5) Linking pacifying behavior to its cause helps you better understand the person.

(6) In certain circumstances you can actually say or do something to see if it stresses an individual (as reflected in an increase in pacifying behaviors) to better understand his thoughts and intentions.

(7) Note what part of the body a person pacifies. This is significant, because the higher the stress, the greater the amount of facial or neck stroking is involved.

(8) Remember, the greater the stress or discomfort, the greater the likelihood of pacifying behaviors to follow.

Three: Getting a Leg Up on Body Language: Nonverbals of the Feet and Legs

The feet are the parts of a body that is most likely to reveal a person’s true intentions and a prime place to look for nonverbal signals that accurately reflect what he or she is thinking.

When it comes to honesty, truthfulness decreases as we move from the feet to the head.

Nervousness, stress, fear, anxiety, caution, boredom, restlessness, happiness, joy, hurt, shyness, coyness, humility, awkwardness, confidence, subservience, depression, lethargy, playfulness, sensuality, and anger can all manifest through the feet and legs.

Happy feet are feet and legs that wiggle and/ or bounce with joy.

Allow me to express two points of caution. First, as with all nonverbal behavior, happy feet must be taken in context to determine if they represent a true tell or just excess nervous behavior. For example, if a person has naturally jittery legs (a kind of restless-leg syndrome), then it might be hard to distinguish happy feet from an individual’s normal nervous energy.

Second, moving feet and legs may simply signify impatience. Our feet often jiggle or bounce when we grow impatient or feel the need to move things along.

If you walk up to two people and say “hi.”  Watch their feet and torso behavior to see if they want your company. If they move their feet— along with their torsos— to admit you, then the welcome is full and genuine. However, if they don’t move their feet to welcome you but, instead, only swivel at the hips to say hello, then they’d rather be left alone.

When a person turns his feet away or one foot toward you and one away from you (L formation), it is normally a sign of disengagement.

The Knee Clasp

Clasping both hands on the knees and shifting of weight on the feet with a forward lean of the torso is an intention cue that the person wants to get up and leave. When you note these cues, particularly when they come from your superiors, it’s time to end your interaction; be astute and don’t linger.

Gravity-Defying Behaviors of the Feet

When we are excited about something or feel very positive about our circumstances, we tend to defy gravity by doing such things as rocking up and down on the balls of our feet, walking with a bit of a bounce in our step or toes point upward.

Leg Splay – The most unmistakable and easily spotted foot and leg behaviors are territorial displays.

If you observe a person’s feet going from being together to being spread apart, you can be fairly confident that the individual is becoming increasingly unhappy. This dominant stance communicates very clearly, “Something is wrong, and I am ready to deal with it.”

When two people are talking and both have crossed their legs, this is an indication that they are very comfortable around each other. The sudden presence of someone we don’t like will cause us to uncross our legs.

Leg crossing – we usually do it subconsciously in favor of the person we like the most. In other words, we cross our legs in such a way so that we tilt toward the person we favor.

If you are dealing with a person who is socializing or cooperative with you, his or her feet should mirror your own. If, however, someone’s feet are pointed away from you while his body faces toward you, you should ask yourself why.

When a foot suddenly begins to kick, it is usually a good indicator of discomfort. You see this with people being interviewed, as soon as a question is asked they do not like.

If a person constantly wiggles or bounces his or her feet or leg(s) and suddenly stops, you need to take notice. This usually signifies that the individual is experiencing stress, an emotional change, or feels threatened in some way.

A sudden interlocking of the legs may suggest discomfort or insecurity. When people are comfortable, they tend to unlock their ankles.

Four: Torso Tips: Nonverbals of the Torso, Hips, Chest, and Shoulders

The Torso Lean Like much of our body, the torso will react to perceived dangers by attempting to distance itself from anything stressful or unwanted.

People lean toward each other when there is high comfort and agreement. The opposite is true (lean away from people who make us uncomfortable).

Ventral Denial – when there is a subtle degree of physical distancing from someone.

Ventral Fronting – We display our ventral sides to those we favor or are comfortable with. When our children come running to us for a hug, we move objects, even our arms, out of the way so that we can give them access to our ventral sides.

• In fact, we use the phrase turning our back to express negativity toward someone or something, because we offer our ventral sides to those we care for and our backs to those we don’t.

When it is impractical or socially unacceptable to lean away from someone or something we dislike, we often subconsciously use our arms or objects to act as barriers

Women tend to cover their torsos even more so than men, especially when they feel insecure, nervous, or cautious.

Men will shield their torsos by reaching across the front of himself to play with his watch or reach over and adjust his shirtsleeve or play with his cuff links, or fix his tie knot, perhaps longer than usual.

The Torso Bow Bowing (Japanese/Chinese) at the waist is performed almost universally as a sign of subservience, respect, or humility when feeling honored, such as with applause.

Preening – When we are physically and mentally well, we take care of our appearance, preening and grooming ourselves accordingly. Conversely, when we are physically or mentally ill, the posture of the torso and shoulders, as well as our overall appearance, may signal our poor health.

Torso Splays– Splaying out on a couch or a chair is normally a sign of comfort. However, splaying out is a territorial or dominance display. This splay behavior is disrespectful and shows indifference to those in authority. It is a territorial display that should not be encouraged or tolerated.

In any case, if you should get into an argument with someone and he or she takes off a hat, shirt, or other article of clothing, most likely a fight is in the offing

Shoulder Shrugs – Expect people to give full (high) shoulder shrugs when they confidently support what they are saying. There is nothing wrong with saying, “I don’t know!” while both shoulders rise up toward the ear. We use shoulder shrugs to indicate lack of knowledge or doubt. Look for both shoulders to rise; when only one side rises, the message is dubious (evasive or deceptive).

Five: Knowledge Within Reach: Nonverbals of the Arms

Gravity-Related Arm Movements – When we are happy and content, our arms move freely, even joyfully. Watch children at play. Their arms move effortlessly while they interact. You will see them pointing, gesticulating, holding, lifting, hugging, and waving.

Arm Withdrawal – When we are upset or fearful, we withdraw our arms. In fact, when we are injured, threatened, abused, or worried, our arms come straight to our sides, or they close across our chests.

If you establish an adequate baseline by observing a specific individual’s arm behaviors over a period of time, you can detect how he is feeling by his arm movements.

Arm Cues that Isolate

Arms behind the back signal high status and desire for distance (e.g “regal stance,” – you see royalty using this behavior to keep people at a distance).

Notice how confident or high-status individuals will claim more territory with their arms (or personal materials – notebooks, laptops, etc.) than less confident, lower-status persons.

Arms Akimbo – Powerful territorial display that can be used to establish/assert dominance or to communicate that there are “issues.” This nonverbal behavior involves a person extending both arms out in a V pattern with the hands placed (thumbs backward) on the hips.

Interlaced hands behind the head are indicative of comfort and dominance. Usually, the senior person at a meeting will pose or “hood” this way to signal “I am in charge here.”

When we are confident, we spread out, when we are less confident, we withdraw.

Six: Getting a Grip: Nonverbals of the Hands and Fingers

People respond positively to effective hand movements. If you wish to enhance your effectiveness as a persuasive speaker— at home, at work, even with friends— attempt to become more expressive in your use of hand movements.

Hiding Your Hands Creates a Negative Impression: Keep Them Visible

One of the signs that a relationship has soured or is compromised is a sudden decrease in the amount of touching (assuming it existed).

Nail-biting is generally perceived as a sign of insecurity or nervousness.

When you make contact with someone who has sweaty hands, you can assume he or she is under stress (since limbic arousal causes sweating). Putting people at ease when they are stressed is one of the best ways to insure more honest, effective, and successful interactions.

If the shaky hands are accompanied by pacifying actions, like touching the neck or pressing the lips together, I’d be more likely to suspect that the shaking was related to stress (something negative) rather than something positive.

As a general guideline, any shaking behavior that starts or stops suddenly, or is somehow markedly different from baseline behavior, deserves further scrutiny. Considering the context in which the shaking occurs, when it occurs, and any other tells that might support a specific interpretation will improve your ability to read a person correctly.

Hand steepling (Simpsons – Mr. Burns) may well be the most powerful high-confidence tell. It involves touching the spread fingertips of both hands, but the fingers are not interlocked, and the palms may not be touching.

Often seen with high-status individuals, the thumb sticking out of the pocket is a high-confidence display. Thumbs in the pocket indicate low status and confidence. Leaders should avoid this.

Research tells us liars tend to gesture less, touch less, and move their arms and legs less than honest people

We often pacify anxiety or nervousness by stroking our fingers across the palm or rubbing our hands together.

Remember, any deviation from normal hand behavior— be it an increase, a decrease, or just something unusual— should be considered for its significance.

Seven: The Mind’s Canvas: Nonverbals of the Face

While our faces can be very honest in displaying how we feel, they do not always necessarily represent our true sentiments. This is because we can, to a degree, control our facial expressions and, thus, put on a false front. These signals can be faked, so look for clusters of behaviors to confirm true feelings.

Squinting, furrowing of the forehead, and facial contortions are indicative of distress or discomfort.

• We squint when we are angry or even when we hear voices, sounds, or music we don’t like. Squinting can be very brief— 1/ 8 of second— but in real time may reflect a negative thought or emotion.

Eye blocking with the hands is an effective way of saying, “I don’t like what I just heard, saw, or learned.”

A brief touch of the eyes during a conversation may give you a clue to a person’s negative perception of what is being discussed.

Widened eyes are a positive sign; they indicate that someone is observing something that makes her feel good. “I like what I see; let me see it better!”

Many employers have told me that they dislike it during an interview when applicants’ eyes are wandering all over the room “as though they own the place.” Because roving eyes make a person look disinterested or superior, doing so always leaves a bad impression.

Eye-Blink / Eye-Flutter Behavior Our blink rate increases when we are aroused, troubled, nervous, or concerned, and it returns to normal when we are relaxed.

We look askance (sideways or tilted head motion accompanied by a side glance or a brief roll of the eyes) at people when we are distrustful or unconvinced.

A real smile forces the corners of the mouth up toward the eyes and crinkle the outer edges of the eyes, causing the crow’s feet.

A fake or “polite smile”: the corners of the mouth move toward the ears and there is little emotion in the eyes.

When the lips disappear, there is usually stress or anxiety driving this behavior.

• Lip compression is very indicative of true negative sentiment that manifests quite vividly in real time. It is a clear sign that a person is troubled and that something is wrong. It rarely, if ever, has a positive connotation.
• The Lip Purse – We purse our lips or pucker them when we are in disagreement with something or someone, or we are thinking of a possible alternative. In business settings, lip pursing occurs all the time and should be considered an effective means of gathering information about a situation.

The Sneer – The sneer, like the rolling of the eyes, is a universal act of contempt. It is disrespectful and reflects a lack of caring or empathy on the part of the person doing the sneering. When we sneer, the buccinator muscles (on the sides of our face) contract to draw the lip corners sideward toward the ears and produce a sneering dimple in the cheeks. This expression is very visible and meaningful even if it is flashed for just a moment.

Lip licking is a pacifying behavior that tends to soothe and calm us down. You see it in class just before a test.

A furrowed forehead is an easy way to assess for discomfort or anxiety. When we are happy and content, you hardly see this behavior.

Nose flaring is also an intention cue, a potent indicator of the intent to do something physical, and not necessarily sexual.

Nail-biting is an indication of stress, insecurity, or discomfort.

We crinkle our noses to indicate dislike or disgust. This is very accurate but at times fleeting.

When confidence is low or we are concerned for ourselves, the chin will tuck in, forcing the nose down.

When we feel positive, the chin comes out and the nose is high: both signs of comfort and confidence.

When confronted with mixed signals from the face (such as happiness cues along with anxiety signals or pleasure behaviors seen alongside displeasure displays), or if the verbal and nonverbal facial messages are not in agreement, always side with the negative emotion as the more honest of the two.

The negative sentiment will almost always be the more accurate and genuine of the person’s feelings and emotions.

Eight: Detecting Deception: Proceed with Caution!

Establishing a Comfort Zone for Detecting Deception

In pursuing the detection of deception, you must realize your impact on the actions of a suspected liar and recognize that how you behave will affect the other person’s behavior. How you ask the questions (accusingly), how you sit (too close), how you look upon the person (suspiciously), will either support or disrupt their comfort level.

First and foremost, unmasking liars is not about identifying dishonesty, but rather it is about how you observe and question others in order to detect deception. Then, it is about the collection of nonverbal intelligence. The more you see (clusters of behavior), the more confidence you can have in your observations, and the greater your chances for perceiving when someone is being untruthful.

Even if you are actively looking for deception during a discussion or interview, your role should be neutral, to the extent possible, not suspicious.

The best way to proceed is just to ask for ever-more clarifying details about the matter, such as a simple “I don’t understand” or “Can you explain how that happened again?” Often merely getting someone to expand on his or her statement will suffice in eventually sorting deceit from truth.

Defining Signs of Comfort

Individuals who are comfortable display their bodies more openly, showing more of their torsos and the insides of their arms and legs (they allow ventral access or fronting).

By mirroring another person’s behavior, we are subconsciously saying, “I am comfortable with you.”

Signs of Discomfort in an Interaction

We tend to move our bodies in an attempt to block or distance, we rearrange ourselves, jiggle our feet, fidget, twist at the hips, or drum our fingers when we are scared, nervous, or significantly uncomfortable. We tend to distance ourselves from them.

Other clear signs of discomfort seen in people during a difficult or troubling conversation include rubbing the forehead near the temple region, squeezing the face, rubbing the neck, or stroking the back of the head with the hand. People may show their displeasure by rolling their eyes in disrespect, picking lint off themselves (preening), or talking down to the person asking the questions— giving short answers, becoming resistant, hostile, or sarcastic, or even displaying microgestures with indecent connotations such as giving the finger

When we do not like something we hear, whether a question or an answer, we often close our eyes as if to block out what was just heard.

Keep in mind that these behaviors are indicators of distress, not guarantees of deception.

The following is a list of twelve things I do— and the points I keep in mind— when I want to read pacifying nonverbals in interpersonal interactions.

(1) Get a clear view of the person (nothing blocking my total view)

(2) Expect some pacifying behaviors.

(3) Expect initial nervousness.

(4) Get the person with whom you’re interacting to relax first.

(5) Establish a baseline.

(6) Look for increased use of pacifiers.

(7) Ask, pause, and observe.

Ask a question and then wait to observe all the reactions. Give the interviewee time to think and respond and build in pregnant pauses to achieve this objective.

(8) Keep the person you are interviewing focused.

(9) Chatter is not truth.

We often believe talkative people and doubt the reserved, but truth lies in verifying facts, not in how much someone says

(10) Stress coming in and going out.

(11) Isolate the cause of the stress.

(12) Pacifiers say so much.

Through effective questioning we can both elicit and identify these pacifiers in any interpersonal interaction to achieve a better understanding of a person’s thoughts and intentions.

Two Principal Nonverbal Behavioral Patterns to Consider in Detecting Deception: Synchrony and Emphasis.

Synchrony with what is being said verbally and nonverbally, between the circumstances of the moment and what the subject is saying, between events and emotions, and even synchrony of time and space.

• Ex: When a person states, “I did not do it,” while her head is nodding in an affirmative motion.

Emphasis – When we speak, we naturally utilize various parts of our body— such as the eyebrows, head, hands, arms, torso, legs, and feet— to emphasize a point about which we feel deeply or emotionally. Observing emphasis is important because emphasis is universal when people are being genuine.

Liars do not emphasize

Liars will engage their cognitive brains in order to decide what to say and how to deceive, but rarely do they think about the presentation of the lie.